Stress + Jealousy

It seems I have made my way back to this forum. I just needed to let out a little steam and I think it might be kinda towards myself this time.
Now before I start, I just want to say I do trust my SO and I do know that he would never do anything to purposely hurt me.

I just would like to know/talk to some other women in my situation. Let us start at the beginning, I kind of.. have anger issues (dunno if you could tell  ) and I have been trying to work on them for him so I don't make things so stressful on us. I think I have been doing good, but these past few days I've been getting nervous about things because May 2 is so close now. I have to book another flight from Buffalo to Boston and I have to spend the night in an airport hotel by myself before I get up at 6AM to catch my flight to Heathrow. I haven't done that yet because my grandmother is debating on whether or not she wants to come with me (she is the one with the credit card, I don't have one) because she doesn't want me to spend the night in a hotel in a different state alone. I still have to get a letter from my soon to be employer who isn't even replying to my texts, although I have no doubt she will do write it out and get it notarized, I am freaking out about it. And then I found out I can't get any documentation saying I start my classes for the GED that I'm scheduled to start in July. I asked and they said that they don't do that. I can't get my bank statement until a few days before I go and it's really starting to get to me. So I kinda took it out on him today and he got really upset. Which totally isn't fair and I feel horrible..

Plus I got a bit angry out over some chick, that is my friend, he spoke to. All my friends seem to want to talk to him simply because he has an English accent and it just really grinds my gears. So, I get jealous when my friends use pet names with him. I've already told one friend that it bothered me so she removed him as a friend, so yay, telling how I feel does help sometimes.

I just hate all this drama and I hate that I get like this in a relationship. I don't like that I can sometimes be the cause of it. I get so possessive and it really isn't healthy and I don't know what to do about it. But he's my first love and I am paranoid he'll run off with someone there just because it's easier than what we have. I know he wouldn't but my brain just plays that paranoid thought over and over and over and I'm so tired of it. He does get jealous but at least his is not without good reason. I just seem like the crazy whacko that doesn't want to share her Brit with anyone, lol.

Can anyone relate? Because I really feel like I'm nuts for feeling how I do and I don't like it at all. It's probably due to all this stress I'm placing on myself. Sigh. I need to meditate.. or do yoga. 


 

I think most of us can relate to stress and distance issues, but you have to trust your partner. If he loves you and wants to make it work out, then it will work out. Just be patient and try not to get jealous. My husband is a pilot and has beautiful women talking to her him all day. I've just got to roll with it and trust that he loves me... lol Yoga does help a lot too! Hang in there!

I think it's always important to remember that whatever feelings you are feeling are...well, real and okay. It's how you deal with those feelings that you can control, really. So it's one thing to feel angry or frustrated or jealous--but it's how you deal with those emotions that is most useful to focus on.  I don't get really angry, but I can definitely relate to sometimes feeling overwhelmed by the complications of a LDR. Let yourself *feel* but concentrate on how you react maybe?

The quickest way to destroy your relationship is to act possessively and jealously, it breeds mistrust in a partnership between two people, as really what you're saying is that you don't trust him. You don't trust your friends, and you don't trust the two together, many people find that kind of attitude towards them unacceptable, especially if they're totally faithful, they may get in a really negative thought pattern like "Why doesn't she trust me, is it because she knows that in the same situation she wouldn't be faithful?"

You say "yay" your friend is no longer friends with him anymore, but why is that a win? Obviously it hasn't solved the problem because other friends of yours and his will be friends with him and may even flirt with him so it will recur. Evidently the problem is with you, and  no amount of defriending will solve it. What if next time it's not your friend, but his? What if it's his attractive boss or a friend's sister? You wont have any control over the situation and because you're masking your feelings not dealing with them you'll end have no option but to deal with it irrationally.

If you read enough stories on here, then you'll see that the one thing a successful LDR needs more than a in-person relationship is trust. Your guy will be awake for hours when you're asleep, he'll go to bars, he'll go to clubs, he'll go out for coffee, if you can't trust him 100% then those feelings you have will eat at you, and they wont be solved by being physically together which is what so many people on here seem to think.

So, what to do? One, you need to recognize that this is a problem with you not him or your friends, stop trying to make the issue go away and try and deal with it.
Confront why it upsets you? Do you really think he'll leave you for some chick on Facebook? If so why? Is it a self esteem issue, if so - work on that! your GED is a good step, but also just reacting positively to yourself is a good start. Celebrate that you're trying to fix your educational situation, that you're being brave and traveling. All of that stuff. If you see him talking to a girl, think to yourself "yeah she's pretty and cool, but so am I, and he loves X about me and that wont change"
Discuss these changes with your partner, be really calm and say "hey I get really jealous when you talk to these girls, I know I shouldn't but I do, I'm trying to get over it", and really try and get yourself into a better thought pattern, don't try and limit his friends or his life, it wont help you or him or your relationship in the long run.

When I first started dating hubby and moved over here
I felt insecure about our relationship he was on the phone a lot
For work and I was at home a lot here in the uk on my own and still adjusting to moving here I felt like I didn't
Know who he was talking to or where he was going it was such a foreign place.  I questioned loads about myself and the relationship. What helped was time, me getting a dog and job and spending loads if time together. I love thos site it has been so supportive over the past 10 years  GOod luck xx

I think cheesebiscuit has addressed the jealousy issue very well. When DF and I were in the LDR, I trusted him implicitly, but I had one moment three years into the relationship when I felt jealous. I told DF what was bothering me and he did his best to comfort and assure me. It worked and the incident was never mentioned again.

Regarding the stress, I was always stressed just before a visit and quite often took it out on DF. I think it's normal to have a short fuse when you're anxious and stressed about something. The best thing you can do is apologize to your BF and explain why you're acting the way you are. When we were applying for the visa, I became some demon woman that my fiance didn't recognize simply because I was so stressed and anxious and I'm a control freak. I think what you're feeling is normal.

The quickest way to destroy your relationship is to act possessively and jealously, it breeds mistrust in a partnership between two people, as really what you're saying is that you don't trust him. You don't trust your friends, and you don't trust the two together, many people find that kind of attitude towards them unacceptable, especially if they're totally faithful, they may get in a really negative thought pattern like "Why doesn't she trust me, is it because she knows that in the same situation she wouldn't be faithful?"

You say "yay" your friend is no longer friends with him anymore, but why is that a win? Obviously it hasn't solved the problem because other friends of yours and his will be friends with him and may even flirt with him so it will recur. Evidently the problem is with you, and  no amount of defriending will solve it. What if next time it's not your friend, but his? What if it's his attractive boss or a friend's sister? You wont have any control over the situation and because you're masking your feelings not dealing with them you'll end have no option but to deal with it irrationally.

If you read enough stories on here, then you'll see that the one thing a successful LDR needs more than a in-person relationship is trust. Your guy will be awake for hours when you're asleep, he'll go to bars, he'll go to clubs, he'll go out for coffee, if you can't trust him 100% then those feelings you have will eat at you, and they wont be solved by being physically together which is what so many people on here seem to think.

So, what to do? One, you need to recognize that this is a problem with you not him or your friends, stop trying to make the issue go away and try and deal with it.
Confront why it upsets you? Do you really think he'll leave you for some chick on Facebook? If so why? Is it a self esteem issue, if so - work on that! your GED is a good step, but also just reacting positively to yourself is a good start. Celebrate that you're trying to fix your educational situation, that you're being brave and traveling. All of that stuff. If you see him talking to a girl, think to yourself "yeah she's pretty and cool, but so am I, and he loves X about me and that wont change"
Discuss these changes with your partner, be really calm and say "hey I get really jealous when you talk to these girls, I know I shouldn't but I do, I'm trying to get over it", and really try and get yourself into a better thought pattern, don't try and limit his friends or his life, it wont help you or him or your relationship in the long run.

This actually helped me a lot. I understand the issue is with me, that's why I posted. Butttt, we have since made up and spoken about why it was I got so pissed off at him and it really all boils down to the fact that I am indeed, insecure. Haven't had a fight since, knock on wood.

It was more a sacastic yay that my friend removed him because I told my friend it bothered me and she was like "Really? That bothered you? I had no idea! But you know I honestly thought you'd have no problem with it." And I really shouldn't, it's freaking Facebook for crying out loud and Which makes no sense in the first place since they talk on my statuses and such occasionally. I get possessive not only of my boyfriend, but my friends too. Which is very sad and embarrassing to admit, even in an online forum where no one actually "knows" me.

However, I will try and keep this post in mind next time. I've told him so many times I trust him more than anyone, but then I pull this kind of thing and it has to stop. I don't like that I do it, so, as of today I'm going to make a real effort to put an end to it. It might be a while but hopefully one of these days I won't feel that twinge of jealousy over such ridiculousness.

I think cheesebiscuit has addressed the jealousy issue very well. When DF and I were in the LDR, I trusted him implicitly, but I had one moment three years into the relationship when I felt jealous. I told DF what was bothering me and he did his best to comfort and assure me. It worked and the incident was never mentioned again.

Regarding the stress, I was always stressed just before a visit and quite often took it out on DF. I think it's normal to have a short fuse when you're anxious and stressed about something. The best thing you can do is apologize to your BF and explain why you're acting the way you are. When we were applying for the visa, I became some demon woman that my fiance didn't recognize simply because I was so stressed and anxious and I'm a control freak. I think what you're feeling is normal.

Thanks very much for this and everyone else's replies as well.