Now that I'm awaiting my settlement visa... (Making Friends)

Hi, everyone!

Just a little bit jazzed that I've completed my biometrics and sent off my application to the British consulate in NYC today! 

Anyway... I've read some of the threads about the difficulties of making friends in the UK.  So, I'm wondering what kinds of things others have done to meet people and make friends?  This is not going to be easy, as I'm a very shy guy...

My local community here in Maryland has a Yahoo group where people post all sorts of stuff ... notices of upcoming events; instances of wildlife spotted; requests for recommendations for plumbers, electricians, doctors, podiatrists, hairdressers, etc.; and so on.  Heck, it's much like UK-Yankee, except its focus is matters of interest to my immediate community.  :-)  And this local Yahoo group proved to be a good way for me to make acquaintances and friends when I first moved to this area.

If any such Yahoo group (or similar forum) exists for the town to which I'll be moving in England (Shoreham-by-Sea), I can't find it.  When I search our good ol' UK-Yankee site, I can't find any posts addressing Shoreham-by-Sea, save the couple posted by me in the past.  Nothing too much on nearby towns such as Worthing or Portsmouth, either.  So, I'm not expecting to find too many expats in the area... 

My entire 4 1/2 months spend in England with my wife, I only encountered ONE American.  She had been living in the UK for 20+ years, and she'd even already lost her American accent!

So, ideas please!!  And would it be presumptuous of me, as a newbie, to start something like a Yahoo group for Shoreham-by-Sea once I'm settled there?  I've taken the initiative here to do in my community to do some similar things, but more narrowly focused on specific interests...  It's a simple matter to start a Yahoo group --  anyone can do it.  I could easily put up little blurbs in pubs, businesses, and whatnot.

When my wife has visited here, she has commented that Shoreham does not have the sense of community that exists in my Maryland town.  I'd like to think that such a Yahoo group might encourage the involvement I see where I currently live.  I'm thinking that if I just start the forum, and advertise it around town, that I don't have to do anything more than administrative tasks, and the residents themselves can join in to whatever degree they wish.  I wouldn't want to be seen as a silly American intruding into unfamiliar waters.

The Yahoo group was just one idea ... but all suggestions gratefully welcomed!!

Cheers!
~Teddy

Congrats on getting that done and now the waiting game starts ;-)

Don't focus on meeting Americans - there are tons of threads on meeting people.
I recommend http://www.meetup.com/ or volunteer at any charity to just get out an meet people.  Go to a leisure center and do a class - anything that get you out there.

I dont know your area but I am sure you can meet people if ya just put yourself out there ;-)

good luck!

good luck!

Thanks, ChillyWilly!  And now for my news...  ***drum roll*** My visa was granted!  I fedexed it to the consulate in NYC on Monday, and by Wednesday I'd received words that it was approved, and on Thursday, the packet was returned to me along with my passport sporting the lovely settlement visa!  :-)

Cheers!
~Terry

Been in Norfolk 17 months so far, the first 16 in a small but quintessentially English village near Swaffham in Norfolk. Fortunately most folks there are quite friendly, and before you know it, I could walk about the village and say hello or chitchat to a number of them. But here are some ways I've gotten to know people on a deeper basis:

1) I've taken classes and workshops – in my case, usually painting classes and life-drawing workshops, as that's my thing.

2) I've gotten involved with environmental initiatives, such as the Transition movement, which is quite strong here in the UK. I went to a monthly film night in one village and enjoyed talking and sharing ideas with friendly, passionate people.

Last December I signed up for a Transition training weekend in Ipswich, Suffolk and met very many groovy folks... even got invited to the organizer's home for supper, where I enjoyed fantastic hospitality, food, conversation... and music! Plus discovered many interests we had in common. More recently, I've been taking a six weekend-long training course in Permaculture and have been making many new friends. In fact, I just spent a pleasant afternoon with some of them yesterday at a lovely home in the country close to the Norfolk/Suffolk border.

3) Similarly, since moving to the fine city of Norwich, I attended a weekend conference organized around a noted American writer on Christian contemplative practice, and immediately got plugged into what is a very strong community of people here interested and engaged in the same thing.

Your interests are surely different than mine, but my point is, seek out opportunities to hook up with people who share your interests. Opportunities abound here. Better yet, develop new interests, and just dive in fearlessly.

One thing I love about life in the UK is there so many groups and organizations involved in so many things. All you have to do is be alert for them. Tune in. Pick up the local mags and papers; read the fliers posted about, pick up brochures, scan adverts, and see what strikes your fancy.

Most of all, be friendly. Smile and say hello whenever the opportunity presents itself, wherever you go. Despite all the famed English reticence, I've found many people willing to engage given the right conditions. I've enjoyed many a pleasant conversation at bus stops or over the counter at shops (as long as they're not too busy). Just respect people's space and boundaries.

Hope some of this helps. My experience is that the UK is full of wonderful incredibly interesting people, and offers many opportunities to get involved and make new, interesting friends.

First, and thank you to Rick_K for his thorough and thoughtful reply. 

It occurs to me that I ought to articulate the true crux of my problem and see if anyone has ideas.  I am visually impaired.  I do have some good, usable vision, but in the US, I am classed as "legally blind."  I manage to do most activities with little or no assistance.  I have some problem areas ... e.g., reading menus on the walls of fast food restaurants.

What I'm trying to say it that I definite challenges, but to someone who was not observant, it might not be obvious that I am visually impaired.  I have learned to compensate quite well for what I can't *actually* see.  :-)

The problem arises in social situations because I can't see someone's face well enough to tell who they are unless they are standing fairly close to me.  This means when I walk down the street, I miss out on the little smiling looks of acknowledgement.  I can't tell if someone approaching me is open to speaking or if such person doesn't want to be bothered.  I see people working in the gardens (yards!), but not well enough to recognize their faces and get to a place such that I can say, "Oh, you seem to enjoy working in your garden!" 

My current home is courtyard situation, with homes kind of grouped together.  I know the people who live immediately next to me and a couple of the more outgoing people.  But there are people just a bit further down who I don't know.  I feel awful because I'm sure they see me in the local grocery store and I never say hello simply because I don't recognize them -- they are surely thinking what a snobby jerk I am!

This same problem carries over in situations like classes or parties or social events.  Although not quite as bad, I still can't see who is approachable and who is giving non-verbal hints saying "please don't disturb." 

I've very shy, so just bursting into a conversation doesn't work for me.  I tend to wait for someone to approach me.  But of course, that doesn't happen very often and it leaves me feeling like I have no control over the situation.

I feel like I'd like to put a sign around my next that says, "I don't see very well.  Please come over and say hello to me!"

And on a related tangent, IF you have any visually impaired friends, PLEASE, when you approach them, say who you are, because if their vision is bad, they may not recognize your voice immediately.  Say something like, "Hi, Teddy, it's Laura, your yoga instructor.  How are you?" 

Anyway, this is really, really frustrating and I'm tired of being a lonely person when there are so many interesting and kind people in the world!

Cheers!
~Teddy

Hi Teddy,
First of all Congrats on your Visa!! I have been in the UK almost 7 years now and I still remember the huge feeling of joy and relief when I received that lovely visa in my hands!

What a great post explaining your difficulties in social situations. It must be very difficult, I don't have a lot of advice. What I can say as someone who does often look for social cues of when to speak to someone, I also often speak to people who are giving me every cue not to (ie the grumpy person in the grocery store queue). I do it with a smile and a one line lighthearted joke. They either ignore it or respond back. More often or not they respond back and they are receptive. Most people I believe like interaction even if they didn't think the want it. What they don't want is someone going on and on and on and on and.....

What I am trying to say is try to get used to putting yourself out there and don't worry if the other person is up for it. Just read their responses after you initiate and keep it brief. In the UK everyone seems up for talking about the weather (although I don't get it--- it is an easy opener). Once you speak they are likely to focus on your accent which will lead to further conversation. If the conversation continues more than a few lines-- I would try to get in about your visual impairement and let them know to be sure to initiate if they see you in the future.

Sorry for rambling-- I find this an interesting topic  as I teach kids social skills in school and while I have worked with a few children with hearing impairements, I have never worked with any with visual impairements; therefore, have never thought it.

Teddy, congratulations on your Visa!

My advice to you would be to be open with your sight issues with the people you meet.  Perhaps a simple "Listen, I have issues with my sight - I can't recognize people unless they are right near me and I can't see if you are doing small cues to say hello.  So I'm not trying to ignore you.  Please just give me a "heyo, Teddy! Its so and so!" so I can recognize you"

People will understand, be more receptive and you've already opened a bit more of an intimate door, so they should feel more comfortable approaching you.  People will respond, believe me

As for walking by the gardens and seeing some one there.  I'm really shy myself.  So when I see someone on their garden, I push myself to simply be courteous.  "Good Morning!", etc. as I walk by.  I'm not expecting a conversation, but they know its me.  I still can't get used to saying "Y'Alright?" so I leave that one alone.

Best of luck!

hello, teddy!

i can't really offer any advice on making friends in the uk, but i wanted to say congratulations on your visa!  also, my son and i will be moving to the isle of wight in july, which is just a ferry ride away from portsmouth where my brother in law lives!  so, maybe, if we're all in the same area, we could meet up for a trip to the pub or for lunch!

HG -- Thanks for your thoughtful reply!  People are so endlessly fascinating.  It never occurred to me that someone would purposefully choose the grumpiest person to speak to.  I think I need an attitude adjustment.  I will say, some of skittishness has come from awkward situations.  For example, I might be walking across a parking lot [ I'm sorry... car park... :-) ] and pass by someone who says "Hello!"  So, not able to really see who the person is, I give a cheerful "Hello!" in return ... only to realize that the person was speaking to someone behind me!  Always little ouchies to the fragile ego...  Maybe I should just go around and look grumpy and people like you will say hello to me?  :-)

Sheriam -- I had to chuckle at you not getting used to "Y'Alright" !!!  When I had my first extended visit with my wife, she was constantly asking me, "Y'alright?"  I kept thinking to myself, "What the heck?  Do I look sick or something?  I feel just fine."  Took quite a while before I caught on that it's just an ordinary greeting!  I do try to explain to people about the situation with my vision, but if I've gotten to the point where I can explain it to them, it means I've already met them.  It's the meeting them, and dealing with people on the street who are strangers and such that is the real hurdle.  But I'm working on a positive attitude, and maybe one of these days I'll be blessed with learning some social graces!  :-)

reweigh -- My wife has promised me a trip to the Isle of Wight and she makes little jaunts to Portsmouth all the time, so indeed, indeed, please, yes, I hope it will be possible to meet up.  The longest stretch of time I've spent in England was 3 months, and I longed just to hear an American accent!!!  I went to eat at an American Diner (can't remember the exact name) in Brighton.  I had pecan pie for dessert (pudding?).  Of course, the waitress pronounced it PEEK'n.  But me being from the south had to kindly and jovially tell her that if she wanted to be authentic, she needed to call it puh-CAHN !!!  :-)   

Thanks for all the congratulations on me getting my visa -- still can't believe it's real, and keep staring at it just to make sure! 

Cheers!
~Teddy

reweigh -- My wife has promised me a trip to the Isle of Wight and she makes little jaunts to Portsmouth all the time, so indeed, indeed, please, yes, I hope it will be possible to meet up.  The longest stretch of time I've spent in England was 3 months, and I longed just to hear an American accent!!!  I went to eat at an American Diner (can't remember the exact name) in Brighton.  I had pecan pie for dessert (pudding?).  Of course, the waitress pronounced it PEEK'n.  But me being from the south had to kindly and jovially tell her that if she wanted to be authentic, she needed to call it puh-CAHN !!!  :-)

lol, i have to admit that i am guilty of pronouncing it as "peek'n" as well, but i'm a yankee.   feel free to pm me anytime, especially if you're going to be in portsmouth or on the island.  i don't know of many places to go yet, but i know there was an american style diner in newport that looked interesting!  when will you be moving over?

I had pecan pie for dessert (pudding?).  Of course, the waitress pronounced it PEEK'n.  But me being from the south had to kindly and jovially tell her that if she wanted to be authentic, she needed to call it puh-CAHN !!!  :-)   

ROTFL!  This makes me laugh.  I learned from several trips to N'awlins how to say it correctly.  Had something similar happen just last Thursday when we went to a steakhouse and she pronounced the Steak Fillet "Fill-it" instead of "Fi-lay".  I just suppressed the giggle, because I'd specifically asked my DH how was it pronounced here (because I've heard commercials pronounce it as "Fill-it").  He told me they say "Fi-lay"

I'd die or kill for an american diner at the moment LOLOL.

Hi Teddy,
     I`m English and let me just wish you a great stay in England. I`d second what others on this board have said in that www.meetup.com [nofollow] is a brilliant place to start making friends. Why not be proactive and set up your own meetup group. Make it something that might appeal to the type of people you would wish to meet go for it! I`m sure you`re going to have a brilliant stay and disregard anything you may have heard. The majority of people here in the Uk love Americans and will absolutely adore your accent and will want to make friends with you. The English are reserved though. Have a great time!
                                                  Kind Regards,
                                                                  Gary

reweigh -- My visa allows me to travel on 27 June, but I doubt I'll be ready anywhere near that time.  Our one-year wedding anniversary is on 20 July, so hoping it I do make it well in advance of that date!

Now, Sheriam, I too have experienced the fill-it / fill-ay and it got an, um, royal chuckle out of me as well.  There are just so many of these differences that it gets hilarious when it doesn't fall into the ones that are embarrassing.  I spend so much time talking to my wife on Skype that I now use British terminology with my American friends, and they think I'm nuts!

Gary, I will keep MeetUp.com in mind.  In fact, I've been saving bookmarks that I think will be useful, and I will include that one right now.  I know there is a US version, but I guess there is a UK version as well?

Thanks, everyone, for making my day!

Cheers!
~Teddy

Gary, I will keep MeetUp.com in mind.  In fact, I've been saving bookmarks that I think will be useful, and I will include that one right now.  I know there is a US version, but I guess there is a UK version as well?

It's the same site, you just change your location from MD -> UK.