Questions on Leaving an Older Child Behind

Hi Folks,

I am very new to this site and have found it to be really helpful so far.  We are strongly considering moving to England this summer, after my son graduates High School.  I am concerned that "launching him" out of the house into college and not being available could be really bad.  He is thinking of going to college in the town we are leaving, so at least he knows the place and has a network of friends available.

Are any of you parents of older children (HS/College)?  Do any of you have experience moving overseas and leaving a teen/young adult behind? 

I hope this is the right forum to put this in...and thanks in advance for any thoughts/opinions/experiences!

Gem_Dog

How old is your son going to be? Are you or your spouse a British citizen or are you going to be pursuing a work opportunity? Is your son a British citizen, who could always come live with you/near if necessary down the road?

I am struggling with this exact thing at the moment. I have an 18 yr old daughter and a son who's now 20 and I feel as if I'm abandoning them.
(both are US born) Their father is in the states but he's just been diagnosed with cancer and may not be around in the future.

We are all US citizens.  We debated moving to England last year, but did not think it was fair to drag my son to England and have him miss his senior year.  He turns 18 this Spring.  We plan for him to spend summers with us (at least part of them).  If he really has a rough time of it in college here in Washington, I am sure my parents (who live on the East coast) would let him stay with them, but he really does not know anyone there.  My DH has family 2 hours away but they aren't "close."

I may pursue a work visa, although I understand the employment situation is challenging.  I am sure I will at least volunteer because I am not "wired for stay-at-home."

Sorry windycitywids to hear of your situation...do your young adults have extended family nearby?

I may pursue a work visa, although I understand the employment situation is challenging.  I am sure I will at least volunteer because I am not "wired for stay-at-home."

What visa will you be moving to the UK on?

You mentioned in one of your other posts that your husband is putting in for a transfer... if so, and he gets a Tier 2 Intra-Company Tranfer work visa,then you won't need to apply for a work visa for yourself - you will just need to apply for a Tier 2 dependent visa (which will be tied to your husband's visa), which will allow you to work in the UK anyway.

he gets a Tier 2 Intra-Company Tranfer work visa,then you won't need to apply for a work visa for yourself - you will just need to apply for a Tier 2 dependent visa (which will be tied to your husband's visa), which will allow you to work in the UK anyway.

Thanks ksand24!  That is very good news for me.  I have been reading the threads on visas/work and looking at the UK government sites and becoming totally confused by it all!    I can't even imagine the maze of rules/laws and paperwork to bring a non-UK spouse over to live, etc.

This is us too!
We're moving back to the UK next summer as my husband is being made redundant, but our eldest doesn't want to go. He too is a senior and turns 18 next month.
We know he won't be able to live on his part-time fast food wage but he seems to think he will be able to rent a place with some friends and go to college too!!
I'm not happy, but I'm willing to let him try as I feel it's a good lesson in life he needs to learn. You have to let them spread their wings don't you, but it's even harder to do it from 5000 miles away. We have no family in the US at all.

Right now we're trying to persuade him to at least take gap year before committing to college and getting into debt. We won't be able to suport him at all.
But we really hope he'll make the decision to join us of his own accord when he realises just hard it'll be for him.

We're all UKC but took out our USC so that at least is one les worry.

I left my 18 yr old son behind for several reasons. 

1) He was supposed to be going to community college.  He changed his mind after I left.   
2) For the previous two years, he kept telling me that he didn't want to leave Texas.  So, I waited to move until he had finished high school, had a job, had his driver's license, and was staying with my mother.  Two hours before I was to leave for the airport, he told me that he wanted to move with me.  I told him that I couldn't get him a visa to stay now and he would have to visit.  He pulled a guilt trip on me.  Begged me to stay.  (After shipping my stuff over, getting a visa, buying airline tickets, and quitting my job... two hours before I was to leave, that's when he pulled that on me.)  Told me that I'm abandoning him and that he will never speak to me again.. and he hasn't.  It's been 18 months now. 
3) The social scene for young men here is not what I would want for my son.  Neither are the work opportunities.  I couldn't afford to send him to community college here as an international student.  And.  I didn't want him to spend his life drinking it away, as is the norm for a good percentage of the young men in Scotland. I felt he had a better chance for a good life back in Texas and would just visit him twice a year and have him over twice a year.  But, if he won't even talk to me and cusses into the phone when I call him, I won't be bothering with that until he matures a bit. 

It upset me at first, especially when I saw guys his age walking around town.  But, he could have already been over here for 6 months at a time.. He cut off communication.  That was his choice, not mine. 

It's not an easy decision to make. What would you do if your kid asks you not to go, only 2 hours before you're to leave for the airport?

It was a very difficult decision, but I left my 18 year old son behind just as he graduated from HS. I really wanted him to come to the UK with me, but he thought a lot about it and decided to stay. He had an extensive family/friends support network and ended up living with his father initially (they have a great relationship). He took the agreed upon gap year (which turned into several) and ended up getting married last year. He and his wife have just relocated to Austin TX so he can start uni there. Yay!

It was difficult as I lost track of so many little aspects of his life, but at that age, I would not have made decisions for him anyway. I raised him to make his own way and he is doing that. Our relationship has not been without a few rocky moments over the last 6 years but I think that would have been the case if I was there too.

I'm super proud of the man he has become/continues to become. I recently offered him money to help with the move, but he very graciously turned me down as they have saved enough on their own! That really impressed me!

Good luck and know that you are not alone in this! 

I'm attempting to move back to the UK but am concerned that my son may well want to stay in the US. He's 30 but still needs some financial support (he lives with me). He has a few friends and some second cousins he's fairly friendly with. But he does have contact with a few people in the UK as well. I'm sure he still resents having moved from the UK when he was 14 and wouldn't want to change the status quo.

Gem_Dog, is there any chance he can come with you to the UK?

I'm going through something similar with my 18 year old. I'm going to put the offer out there that he is welcome to come with us and let him know all of the pros and cons that I can see. Problem is we have a relatively strained relationship much of the time. My being upset with the choices he makes does not help... I do think he would probably be better off moving with us, but he's 18, legally an adult and I don't have a lot of say in the matter.
I do worry, a lot about it, but I even worry about him now and we are right here with him. At some point we have to let them find their own way and make their own mistakes and keep our mouths shut. 
Just wanted to say I do know what you're saying and feel for you, I'm right there with you!
BTW, check out your post in the welcome wagon, we have some similarities. 

One thing I have learned since I posted, is that being 18 is not necessarily considered being free of your parents, or parents being shot of their child for that matter! There is a very grey area until 21 which is considered the true legal age in most states.

For example, in my state I've discovered that we're financially responsible for our children until they are 24 if in college! Which I'm presuming also means for any other debt our flegling offspring rack up too! 
On the flip side, as mine is not being receptive to our suggestions about taking a gap year, I'm hoping that he would not even get into college in the first place if he can't show parental financial support!

What has really brought this home to us is a traffic citation that my son recently received, which he can't afford to pay, and which is escalating as he burys his head in the sand over it.

If he really isn't considered an adult until 21, and can't afford to live on his own, then he really doesn't get a lot of say in the matter of whether he stays behind or not!

Things to consider!

 

Realistically, you can't make an 18 year old do anything they don't want to do. They are legal adults, they can sign contracts, enlist in the military even get married.  
If my daughter were to be the one with the citation, she wouldn't be driving until she paid for it escalating fees or not. Driving is a privilege and if she isn't financially responsible then she doesn't deserve that privilege.
My son moved to Indiana about 5 months ago and has a rather large traffic fine that he left outstanding here. When he goes to change his license he will get hit with that fine and that will teach him that one cannot run away from your responsibilities as they will follow you. I hate tough love but sometimes our kids need a kick in the a$$ to get them moving.