What to do now?

Thank you ajayre and rebbeccajo.

I've been to England twice, though not since last February.  His family is very supportive and very welcoming. He doesn't have friends that he goes out and does things with.  He does, on rare occasion, go do something with his brother-in-law.  

I've encouraged him in this aspect that if he made a few friends, had some things to go out and do, something to look forward to rather than the four walls of his flat, that maybe that would boost his mood.  He's a lot of fun to be around, he's very friendly, and very personable....unless he's overindulged in drink.  Then he becomes argumentative and moody.  

The first time we met he hardly drank at all.  He came here.  The next two visits I went there.  He drank quite a bit, but passed it off as enjoying his holiday - which I accepted.  Then I began to notice him drinking more and more on the weekends.  Past the point of buzzy and on to slurred speech, and arguments.  Not arguments about drinking (I don't speak to him about drinking when he's been drinking...I wait until he's sober). Arguments about anything and everything.  He begins to pick.  I try not to bite.  Sometimes I'm in an argument before I realize what's happened, but if I catch it before hand I can deflect it and avert it.

Then on his last visit here he drank even more.  When I asked him to slow down he again passed it off as enjoying his holiday too much and promised to slow down. But he didn't.  And when he went home the drinking on weekends escalated.

To be honest I can picture a move to England being adventurous.  But I need my partner to be present with me.  Making a move like that is hard enough without having the additional fear of the situation I might be moving into.  That hurts his feelings.  I can understand that.  It's hard watching someone you love self-destruct and being helpless to do anything about it.

I haven't mentioned AA.  I'm waiting to see if he can do this the way he wants to first.  I don't think he'll be receptive to that idea unless he comes to the conclusion that he has a problem.  I'm putting myself in his shoes.  I know that I wouldn't.

I am encouraged that he's been without an episode for a few weeks.  Time will tell.

He did come to visit me a couple of months ago for two weeks.  During the time that he was here he drank a twelve-pack a day.  He woke up wanting a drink. 

That goes beyond just British drinking culture. My husband will have about 4-5 beers every other day while he sits around and watches TV, and a few more once or twice a month when we go out. Although without knowing the circumstances it's difficult to say the issue, but a 12-pack each day and waking up wanting a drink sounds like alcoholism. I feel like my husband drinks too much sometimes, but he never came close to that much. A few pints a day is normal here - 12 is not. I would be wary about marrying someone that dependent on alcohol.

I am encouraged that he's been without an episode for a few weeks.  Time will tell.

Sorry to be harsh - maybe he has become better at hiding it from you over the phone/Skype/etc because he knows that is what you want to see/hear?

Andy

A few pints a day is normal here - 12 is not.

Be careful making statements about what is "nomal here".  The UK may be a small place, but its a varied place too.  What is normal in one place or in your experience may not be in the next. 

From the people I know, a FEW pints every day is not particularly "normal".  I'm not saying it would be cause for concern, but I dont know anyone who drinks multiple pints every or even most days. 

Sorry to be harsh - maybe he has become better at hiding it from you over the phone/Skype/etc because he knows that is what you want to see/hear?

Andy

Which is exactly why I am still skeptical.  You've not said anything I haven't already thought, which is why three weeks isn't enough time to know if he can keep his promises.  I suspected he'd been drinking when he picked an argument and demanded I move there.  He swears not.  As DennistheMenace predicted, this has made things tense and hard for the moment. 

So it really seems like you already know what you want to do, which is not move to the UK.  I don't think anyone would disagree with that decision.

So it really seems like you already know what you want to do, which is not move to the UK.  I don't think anyone would disagree with that decision.

I'm not saying "not ever", but not under the current circumstances. 

Why do I now feel guilty for stating clearly what should be painfully obvious? 

As someone who has struggled in the past with setting boundaries, I really get this sentiment. However, it's really really essential that you put your needs first. Your needs seem to include a partner who is not an alcoholic. Taking this relationship slowly or even perhaps walking away from it if it does not improve is putting YOUR needs first and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Say that out loud to yourself. There is nothing to feel guilty about!

No one can be fully functional in a relationship if they don't take care of themselves first. I wish you all the best with this.

My fathers second wife is an alcoholic, retired social worker, guzzles vodka everyday, she tried tablets that make you sick if you drink alcohol but just stops taking them. She's now joining some volutary club in a nearby village just to get her out of the house and doing something. My dad who's 76, still works. He absolutely hates it, finding empty vodka bottles hidden all over the house as if he wouldnae find them!. I've told him he should have stuck with my mum who's happily going off on an anniversary cruise this month.

If you want happiness, don't hang around someone who drinks too much.