Advice FOR a mother-in-law!!

Yes, girls, you did read that right!

My son and his wife are going to be coming to London to live.  They have been married about 3 years and have been living in New York.

I have been reading all your posts about homesickness and thet have broken my heart - i feel so bad for those of you who are still missing your homes and families  So my question is this:  how can I help my daughter-in-law?

I'm particularly conscious of how hard this is because I too married someone from abroad and lived many years in another country....

I have prayed every day for the last 9 years since my son left for him to come back - which makes me sound awful, I'm sure - but now that it's happening I want to do everything I can to make this poor girl feel welcome.  obviously I have some clue having been in the same position myself, many years ago - but I would really welcome your comments!

Aww, aren't you sweet?

I think that from my experience I've really appreciated my MiL not putting any pressure on us, even what seem like "friendly" questions can have an edge, so don't ask about things like starting a family unless you're very close.

Calling before you drop by! Or arranging it at certain times and going, not setting up a regular arrangement that your DiL has to abide by, like EVERY Sunday, they may come over every Sunday but no one likes to feel obliged.

Offering to go with her places but making it clear she doesn't have to go, like "Oh I'm going shopping for clothes on Friday, it would be fun if you came, if you're not busy?"

Asking her if there's anything she'll need, or picking up things you hear she's mentioned she misses.

I'll have a think about it!

I think just providing a warm welcome and appreciation for her will be enough. My MIL was not supportive in the beginning of my marriage when I'd moved here for him and it made the first couple years hard. When she came around, it was great to have that mother figure / friend around. Now I wish she'd come by more!

Oh, and making an effort around American holidays might not be a bad thing, especially if she's into them. I love Thanksgiving, and When my in-laws offered to host a dinner one year, taking the day off of work and everything, it really made me feel like part of the family.

Probably the kindest thing you can do for your daughter-in-law is exactly what mine did for me... once a week, we went out.. she helped me find my way around the city on my own.. where places are so that I could go on my own.. did a bit of shopping.. and shared a meal.  We did this every week until I was able to get around on my own without getting completely lost. I have my driving license and my own friends now, but we still go out every now and then just to catch up.

It's likely your DIL will be used to public transportation and all that. But, the different lines and which areas have the best ____________ (whatever), she could probably use some pointing out. 

I agree with Dels.  My ILs are fantastic, and what I appreciate most about them is how warm and welcoming they were and how they encouraged me to do things like cook my favourite meals and celebrate holidays.  We do Thanksgiving every year at their insistence.  My husband and I lived with them for a year after I moved, which you can imagine is not the easiest situation, but we emerged unscathed and with a strong relationship.  I'm convinced this is mostly down to their tolerance and open-mindedness and general kindness.  

Aww, aren't you sweet?

I think that from my experience I've really appreciated my MiL not putting any pressure on us, even what seem like "friendly" questions can have an edge, so don't ask about things like starting a family unless you're very close.

Calling before you drop by! Or arranging it at certain times and going, not setting up a regular arrangement that your DiL has to abide by, like EVERY Sunday, they may come over every Sunday but no one likes to feel obliged.

Offering to go with her places but making it clear she doesn't have to go, like "Oh I'm going shopping for clothes on Friday, it would be fun if you came, if you're not busy?"

Asking her if there's anything she'll need, or picking up things you hear she's mentioned she misses.

I'll have a think about it!

Wow I wish my mother in law was like you 

I think being patient and understanding if she is upset and b*tches about how things are here.  It's just part of the adjustment process.  Good luck!

You sound like a great MiL.  Are they planning on getting their own place?  The advice I'd give would be different depending on whether they are planning to live with you even in the short term.

Personally, I think understanding and respecting the differences in cultures without making a big deal out of differences is one thing.  Not being to overbearing about help, but be ready if she needs it.

Thinking of ways to introduce her to people in her own age bracket.  Like if you have friends with children around her age, arranging some sort of get together where it isn't so obvious the purpose is to introduce your daughter-in-law so she can make friends.  People seem to have huge issues with making friends here.

I agree with the others about the Thanksgiving thing.  Thanksgiving is the only time I feel any homesickness.

Kudos for acknowledging that this will be tough for your DIL, and wanting to help!  I wish my MIL felt the same way! 

There've been lots of great suggestions here so far, but I'll add something that, while probably trivial, really drives me nuts.

If your daughter-in-law cooks/bakes something that you're not familiar with/haven't seen before, when she tells you what it is, just accept it!  As an example, on Easter morning, I got up extra-early to make cinnamon rolls (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinnamon_roll.  Everyone enjoyed them, but I had to spend all morning listening to people try to rationalise what to call them.  'Oh, it's sort of a doughnut.' 'It's kind of like..' 

Yes, it is 'sort of' 'kind of' like a doughnut or pastry or any number of other things.  But what it actually is, is a cinnamon roll.  Why was that difficult to grasp?

I know it seems silly, but it was just infuriating, and made me feel very homesick and unappreciated.

My mother got along famously with her m-i-l so I had no preconceived ideas about not getting along. My m-i-l was very sweet really but there was a huge culture gap, as if she were a whole generation older than my parents. She would give me little gifts of very old-ladyish jewelry that I would never wear. After I had kids it was a bit better although I resented her giving them sweets and (imho) rubbishy comics. When she visited it was very trying as she had nothing to do but would just sit in the front room while we got on with our lives. I had no idea of how to entertain her other than turning on the telly. She would wash up but had no idea how to run the washing machine or anything like that. And never offered to change a nappy. What really annoyed me was her saying (wistfully) to DH "I suppose after I'm gone you'll move to America". I think basically she was just terrified of me -- that I would snatch her boy away and drag him off, never to be seen again.
So, I think that's the key -- to celebrate her willingness to live near you. Try to take an interest in what interests her -- but don't be pushy of course. Welcome the chance to learn about a new culture and attitudes.
Hope it all works out.

I fell in love with my in-laws the moment I met them.  I am so lucky!  They took an interest in my interests and enjoyed hearing about my life in America. In time their interests became mine and I loved fitting into their life.  My US family adores them, even though they've never met, because they made an effort to connect via mail and phone calls and such.

They made the transition for me much easier by keeping me "in the loop".  If there was a village fete they'd tell us so we could take part.  If they saw something about "back home" in the news they'd give me a call.  If a shop had a great sale on yarn, for instance, my MIL would let me know.  They even had the piano tuned (in the community room at the home) so I could play on a Sunday efternoon.  (I don't play well but I missed the piano I left behind.)

I always knew I could count on them in any situation.  If your daughter-in-law knows you're there for her, supportive and understanding, she'll probably settle in much easier.  And it sounds like you're a great MIL.   

Hello everyone!

Thank you ALL so much for all your very thoughtful replies! 

I hadn't thought about Thanksgiving and other holidays, so I will definitely make a point of putting them in the diary and finding out all about them.  I'm also grateful for the tip about cinnamon rolls and other traditional recipes.  It's probably very easy when in your home surroundings to discuss and compare things, but that's one mistake I will not be making either!

It's so nice to hear from you all as you will be nearer her age and so more in touch than I am. 

And best of all, now I know that if there is anything I need to know I can just come on here and ask all of you!  This is an amazing site and best wishes to all of you!  I for one appreciate the sacrifices you have made leaving your homes and families for the sake of your Englishmen.

Strongly agree with the Thanksgiving bit!

Also, not sure how big "banter" is in your family, but this can come on quite strongly for some Americans who aren't used to it. My (English) husband made the observation while visiting my American family how much more supportive and positive Americans can be in interactions with good family and friends, while I had noted how sarcastic and even harsh English people can be with their friends and family! This may just be a specific case for our families, but if your DIL isn't used to banter, she might not realise it's just a sign that she's part of the group