It was then that I caved in, & was on a flight back to the US the very next morning. You might think the story ends there, but it does not. While I've been trying to put my life back together here, I was in communication with my wife's sister in Canada via email. This is the same sister who "supposedly" stole my wife's house on paper. The sister is 9 yrs younger than my wife, & they have a brother that's 2 yrs younger than my wife, also resident in Canada. My wife had told me that her sister had accused her brother of sexually abusing her as a child. In our email exchanges, I finally told my SIL of the wild claims my wife had made about her in the "big lie" re: my wife's home. I also mentioned that my wife had told me about what their brother had done. My SIL was ALARMED to say the least that my wife had shared her sister's "deepest secret." BUT, my SIL told me, it wasn't just the brother that had sexually abused her; MY WIFE had also sexually abused her as well. I was mortified.
But then I thought more about my relationship w/ my wife, & realized that she'd been sexually abusing ME too, in a manner. First, our whole relationship had started w/ the sexually explicit webcam incident that had left me confused. But while we were together, she was constantly grabbing my private parts. It hurt & made me uncomfortable, but she would not stop. When I asked her to stop, she'd just laugh & carry on as if it was a big joke. Being 2x my size, she'd pin me down on the bed, & pinch & grab, despite my pleas. I also realized I'd been uncomfortable w/ the way she treated her own son who will turn 10 in August. She frequently went about the house naked, or draped in a tiny towel. Her son would come for hugs, & she'd cradle him in her bare breasts in a manner that seemed more sexual than motherly.
Having told this story, I really feel like a very stupid, gullible human being. But I was so needy. I got sucked in before I knew just how dangerous my wife really was. She showered me w/ attention & love & adulation like I'd never rec'd before. There were promises of a family, something I wanted but lacked. By the time I was sucked in, it took a while before the truth emerged from the lies, & then it took a while longer for me to interpret the truth and give it a meaning. It wasn't until the death of my dog that it all hit home.
I have communicated most of this stuff to the DV team that was helping me, in hopes that they can pass along the info to the child welfare authorities. The MARAC meeting took place in mid-June, & my DV key worker presented much of this stuff to the team. To date, my wife had at various times been told to take parenting classes, had been ordered to undergo therapy for her emotional problems, and much more, but she had NEVER complied. I don't really understand why she's been allowed to get away with SO MUCH. But I figure that the authorities will chalk up what I've reported as bitter grapes after a failed marriage. But everything here is the truth. And there is so much more.
But now I come to the last bit & my plea for help. In my correspondence w/ my SIL, she WARNED me to protect my assets. She said that my wife is already £60K in debt to their parents b/c of her shenanigans. There is no doubt in my mind that my wife NEVER loved me, that she targeted me as a vulnerable individual, & lured me in for the sole purpose of getting what little money I had. Now I'm terrified that she will somehow be able to get hold of my remaining assets. Being disabled & w/o blood relatives, my little bit of assets constitute all that stands between me & utter devastation.
How can I best proceed to protect my assets? How can I obtain a divorce from my wife? If I file for a divorce, can I do so without revealing my address to my wife? My closest friend, who has helped me thru these awful 3 yrs is a therapist, & it is his professional opinion (& I definitely AGREE) that my wife is a psychopath. She will stop at nothing to hurt me. She will tell lies about me w/o blinking an eye. In almost any confrontation, she comes out smelling like roses. I really can't endure any more trauma. I need to get divorced from her, secure my safety, & get her completely out of my life ASAP.
Thank you for reading this far. It's an incredulous story, I know. For anyone who begins a relationship on-line - PLEASE be alert to your gut instincts. Do NOT ignore warning signs. In trying to persuade me not to move to the UK, one of my friends said, "There are some things worse than being lonely." He was right, & I wish I was able to have listened & heard. The loneliness & lack of family was my Achilles heel, but we all have our spots of vulnerability. There are people out there who specialize in preying on the vulnerable, & the on-line world is their playground. You don't have to become jaded, but PLEASE don't repeat my mistake. The 1st warning sign you'll get is when someone treats you in a way that seems just "to good to be true." If you're SHOWERED w/ love beyond your wildest dreams, watch out.
I realize here that I've left out one crucial detail. As part of the pattern of "financial abuse," not only did I pay for my wife's trips to the US w/ her FAILED promises to repay me - I also sent her numerous wads of cash via Western Union to get her out of this / that scrape, also w/ her FAILING to keep her promises to repay me. Once I was there in the UK permanently, we went thru 4 junk automobiles that were largely financed by me - a Peugeot, a Ford Montero, and 2 different Volkswagen Sharans. I bought my wife a big screen TV, a Tempur-pedic mattress, had custom shelving installed in the bedroom - and the list drones on. After the "big lie" about the house, despite my pleas, we never sad down to work out a budget or even really discuss finances. My wife made the outrageous promise that she could & would largely provide for our financial needs - that she'd only ask for my help on those occasions when she needed it - a little here and there. ("To good to be true....")
NEVER ONCE did I refuse her money when she asked, except at the end, when she wanted me to pay her for destroying my dog! Even after THAT, her youngest daughter had a birthday on 31 May, when I was already back in the US. She said, "I paid my last £200 in 'taking care' of your dog, & I don't have any money for [my daughter's] birthday. Can you send me some money?" I told her I would not send her any money, but that if she picked out something on Amazon or one of the other big UK store websites, I'd order her some gifts to be delivered. But OH NO, not good enough. My wife didn't really want gifts for the child. She wanted MY money.
So, anyway, while we were together, my wife NEVER showed me any bills. I was completely unaware of how gas, electric, water, and all else were paid, including council rent & council tax. At the very end, she gave me the shocking news that she was some £2,000 in arrears in council rent & tax!!! But she never even mentioned it, never showed me a bill, never told me how or where the money was to be paid, never alerted me that she was falling behind. In fact, I suspect that she was purposefully not paying these bills so as to lay responsibility at my feet & eke more money out of me. Heaven only knows what would have happened when it was time to apply for ILR. Of course, I was totally dependent on her for transportation, so no way I could go about researching this on my on. I simply had no clue. I don't think she even gave me all the mail that was specifically addressed to me. She didn't show me how to use the landline. What a mess. :-( I literally spent 1000s of $$$ on this woman, & you can see why I'm now worried about the financial repercussions. The worst bit - I don't know if she's even telling the truth about being in arrears.
I'm beginning to suspect that the council tax is the one area where she may have a toe-hold against me (IF she's telling the truth about being in arrears). But given the entirety of the story, the fact that I gave her endless streams of $$$, & that fact that she hid from me the financial details of the household, & the abuse that I endured (documented by the one report I made to the police & the MARAC meeting called on my behalf & the promise of my GP to support my claim), is there some way she can come after me this $$$?
I don't have money to spend depending myself. I'll be turning 56 in October. I have no one to look after me as I age, & every penny I have will be essential to my survival. I truly need some practical advice re: how to safely get this woman OUT OF MY LIFE without any more damage.
Thanks for yr patience. I hope UK-Yankee will come thru for me again. Really distressed. :-(
Teddy
