Oh boy, Expat life thinking..

While I know I'm not an expat yet, I kinda still wanted to know other's opinions on this and see if anyone has felt the same. I know this is thinking waaayy before hand but that is an annoying aspect of my character. Worry, worry, worry. So my boyfriend and I have been talking and we want to close this distances asap; now he's talking next year we should get married and work on getting me over there.

While that is wonderful and I want nothing more than to just be with him I am really scared all the sudden. Not only for the visa process crap we'll have to go through to prove we are a valid and true couple; I don't think the "living in the UK" thing has ever really sunken in. That it wouldn't be for a month like it usually is, that I'd be there for a looooooong time. Two years ago, I wanted nothing more then to just pick up and move there (until this board informed me that wasn't possible--my now boyfriend wasn't sure at that time if he even wanted to be long distance because of how hard it'd be), and I think that me wanting to move there, had a lot to do with my idea of "Well, if I'm there we can have a shot at being a "real" couple." But now that we are a real couple and even talking about marriage and me moving over there--it's really frightening.

There are so many things I love about the UK. The fact that I don't have to add on tax when I'm buying something that's $19.95, that I can walk pretty much where ever, that my love lives there and that I feel a bit like a secret agent since no one has the fondest idea I'm a foreigner until I start talking, lol. But New York is my home, I love that I don't have to pay for parking where ever I decide to go, that our food is (no offense xD) better in my opinion, that my family is here and so many things I already know how certain things work here.

When I'm in England, I always feel like the odd-ball of the group, whether it is being made fun of for saying "pants" instead of "trousers" or feeling like I'm apart of the U.S government for all the American political questions I'm asked. I wouldn't know how to deal with always being kinda the outsider of the group and I guess the thought has been freaking me out lately. Even though it's not even close to happening yet.

I want to talk to my boyfriend about it, attempt to try and get him to consider moving here. But there is no way he'd ever leave England--he loves his home too, and while I have moved plenty of times in my life from one state to the next--hopping to a different country is a whole new ball game. I think I'm over-thinking it too much, Alex would be the best husband ever and I'd sacrifice my home to be with him, but damn, the thought of it is seriously overwhelming and gives me plenty of anxiety! 

I know exactly how you feel. Moving to a different country even if it's for love is sooo hard.  Been here almost 3 years, although I think I've adjusted amazingly well, it's not been without it's bumps.  There are days I really miss my family or friends.. Or the large straight roads, ample free parking, giant washer and dyers that don't go in the kitchen, real mexican food.. ect ect.   I think what I've found that helps me, is creating normalcy day to day.  What I mean by that is, I try to do something I would normally do in the states to make things seem less different.  Like, eating veg with real Ranch dressing my mom sent me.  Listening to my fav tunes while taking a bath.   Watching my fav American TV programs. 

Also, I really try and get the best out of what the UK has to offer. The buildings, history, the weather ( weird I know but I love rain!)  Try not to freak yourself out before you even get here! Plus, it's not like you couldn't come home to visit, or that the move would be forever..  Have you talked with your boy about wether or not he'd ever consider trying to live in the US?

"I wouldn't know how to deal with always being kinda the outsider of the group"

Yup. It is not always easy, but there are expat groups, both meet-ups and online groups... But, even expat groups can sometimes make the 'newer expats' feel like an outsider... Sadly. Oddly! From what I am told by many other 'new' expats, and based on my personal experience with them, it is a pretty common experience.

What if you came over on a 6 month tourist visa? If you could afford to do that?

I did that, and I think it helped me to decide ON moving here, and my friend from Miami also did it, and they decided to move together to California! After 3 months in Scotland, she realised she hated the UK weather way too much!

Maybe after that, you would feel like you had a better idea of what it would be like longterm?

I know exactly how you feel. Moving to a different country even if it's for love is sooo hard.  Been here almost 3 years, although I think I've adjusted amazingly well, it's not been without it's bumps.  There are days I really miss my family or friends.. Or the large straight roads, ample free parking, giant washer and dyers that don't go in the kitchen, real mexican food.. ect ect.  I think what I've found that helps me, is creating normalcy day to day.  What I mean by that is, I try to do something I would normally do in the states to make things seem less different.  Like, eating veg with real Ranch dressing my mom sent me.  Listening to my fav tunes while taking a bath.   Watching my fav American TV programs.  

Also, I really try and get the best out of what the UK has to offer. The buildings, history, the weather ( weird I know but I love rain!)  Try not to freak yourself out before you even get here! Plus, it's not like you couldn't come home to visit, or that the move would be forever..  Have you talked with your boy about wether or not he'd ever consider trying to live in the US?

Haha, I am just the worst! My boyfriend really hates that I worry so much, but I just do! I know in reality, the UK isn't really that big of a difference from the US, there would just be so much I'd miss naturally. As I'm sure you know since you have been there for three years! Did it take you long to adjust? I love all the history and buildings, always enjoyed admiring them. Uhm, well I have mentioned it. He has thought about it but he doesn't think he could do it. When I was there his mother said to me "You can't take my boy to the U.S, I already lost one to Australia!" Since then he's said he couldn't do that to his mother, but.. you really have to live your life for yourself. I mean, I'd miss my family too, but in an LDR one of us has to make a sacrifice ya know.    It'll probably be me so, ah, well.

"I wouldn't know how to deal with always being kinda the outsider of the group"

Yup. It is not always easy, but there are expat groups, both meet-ups and online groups... But, even expat groups can sometimes make the 'newer expats' feel like an outsider... Sadly. Oddly! From what I am told by many other 'new' expats, and based on my personal experience with them, it is a pretty common experience.

What if you came over on a 6 month tourist visa? If you could afford to do that?

I did that, and I think it helped me to decide ON moving here, and my friend from Miami also did it, and they decided to move together to California! After 3 months in Scotland, she realised she hated the UK weather way too much!

Maybe after that, you would feel like you had a better idea of what it would be like longterm?

Ha, I totally forgot about those expat groups! Where is my mind lately? That actually is a really good idea. Good move for your Californian friend, definitely! Umm, well, right now I'm doing my G.E.D, realistically I probably could come over after I'm done with all that. Since whenever I'm there, my boyfriend takes care of me. But, I'm so afraid of immigration since my first time there in 2010 even though my 2012 experience went more than smoothy! I know people that have jobs and real roots back home get a hard time with that, let alone some 20 year old girl who is trying to get her life on track..

My boyfriend suggested something unwise along the lines of "Oh, well why don't you just tell them you're staying a month, then stay for the time you're allowed?" I don't think he gets why you can get into massive trouble with that. I would want to attempt telling them a few months, but maybe cut in half--three months. That'd seem like a good amount of time to get an idea of how I'd really feel about living there eventually.

I don't think I had to get a special visa of any kind to come over for 6 months.

I think I just got a return ticket, booked 6 months later, and when they asked me how long I was staying I said 6 months, and I showed them my return ticket.

That was only about 3 years ago. But, the laws could have changed. Or, I may be mistaken... But I am pretty sure I did not need anything special in order to do that.

But, come for three months! You will feel better if you have more information to base your decision upon!

Mandy, moving to another country is hard and it is totally normal to have concerns.  Don't let the concerns alone worry you.

Some things to think about:

A longer trip before you move to the UK may be helpful.  Try living life as if you were already living in the UK.  Go to the grocery store on your own, etc.  It may just settle your nerves enough to make you feel better.

Recognise that sometimes you have to jump in with both feet and not worry about the details.  I am a details person too so I realise this advice may feel counterintuitive.  But sometimes you just need to look forward, and keep looking forward, and let the details fall in place around you.

Also recognise that some people may not be suited for moving abroad.  I don't say this to scare you but, to say, the chips will fall where they may anyway.  You may love it and you may hate it.  These things will come to light with or without you worrying.  And if you don't like it, that is ok.  It isn't a character flaw.

I would find it stressful to think that my potential spouse would refuse to move to my country.  It seems to put additional pressure on you that you MUST like the UK or there are no alternatives.  That can only add stress to an already stressful situation.

Be sure you are talking to your BF about your fears.  You really need to be in this together and the likelihood is that you will have some culture shock (even well adjusted folks have culture shock).  Your BF does need to understand what you are sacrificing and how difficult this move may be.  You will need to lean on him like you haven't had to before and he needs to be onboard with that.

Recognise that while the UK is similar to the US, it is a different place with different customs and culture.  It is often easy to assume you will not have any problems adjusting because of the common language and history.  In fact, it is to overlook your culture shock or think something is wrong with you for not adjusting well.  In my experience, I have seen people adjust easier when the culture is so different (like moving to Asia), simple because they anticipate those differences in advance.

To some extent you really need to assimilate and ignore the things you are missing in the US.  The US isn't better, it is different.  I have known many people who wrap themselves in a US bubble while in the UK -- only spending time with other Americans, only eating their American food.  These people almost always regret this way of handling the move.  Find things you like in the UK and have fun exploring those things.  But at the same time, indulge in some of your US creature comforts when you need to.  Sometimes everyone needs that piece of home to get them over some homesickness.

And finally, get a hobby if you don't have one already.  Make sure you aren't leaving a lot of dead time when you move over and you are filling it with your hobby.

Hey MandyBoo,

I went to the UK to stay with now DH for over a month last summer to test it out and moved here on a fiance visa in March ’12. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m not desperate to move home and I do genuinely like it here, but I’m still trying to find my place.

Some of the most difficult things for me have been not having my family nearby, not being able to recreate my American recipes (DH has had to deal with many tears in the kitchen), not being able to find clothes that I like (if I do like them, I can’t afford them), the lack of independence, and I really miss good pizza. I also understand what you mean about feeling like an oddball. I have a lot of social anxiety anyway, so it becomes magnified when I have to speak and make it know that I’m not “one of them.” It’s stupid because I doubt anyone really cares and if they do, oh well, it’s really not my problem, but it can be hard to be rational sometimes.

On the flip side, I love DH. I love going to bed with him every night and waking up next to him every morning. I love the little cars and the old buildings. I love the humor. I love that people working in retail get to have lives (for now anyway). I love living near the countryside and seeing the sheep and the cows (that still hasn’t gotten old). I love Sunday Roast and Hobnobs. I LOVE QUESTION TIME. I love Indian food. I love the old ladies who chat with me while we wait for the bus.

I think you’re right to consider what you’ll be giving up, so I want to echo the idea that an extended trip might be in order, but it is possible to leave a place you love and find new things to love about a new place. I still miss Massachusetts and I probably always will, but I know if I moved home tomorrow there would be things I miss about Shropshire and I would definitely miss DH.

Mandy, moving to another country is hard and it is totally normal to have concerns.  Don't let the concerns alone worry you.

Some things to think about:

A longer trip before you move to the UK may be helpful.  Try living life as if you were already living in the UK.  Go to the grocery store on your own, etc.  It may just settle your nerves enough to make you feel better.

Recognise that sometimes you have to jump in with both feet and not worry about the details.  I am a details person too so I realise this advice may feel counterintuitive.  But sometimes you just need to look forward, and keep looking forward, and let the details fall in place around you.

Also recognise that some people may not be suited for moving abroad.  I don't say this to scare you but, to say, the chips will fall where they may anyway.  You may love it and you may hate it.  These things will come to light with or without you worrying.  And if you don't like it, that is ok.  It isn't a character flaw.

I would find it stressful to think that my potential spouse would refuse to move to my country.  It seems to put additional pressure on you that you MUST like the UK or there are no alternatives.  That can only add stress to an already stressful situation.

Be sure you are talking to your BF about your fears.  You really need to be in this together and the likelihood is that you will have some culture shock (even well adjusted folks have culture shock).  Your BF does need to understand what you are sacrificing and how difficult this move may be.  You will need to lean on him like you haven't had to before and he needs to be onboard with that.

Recognise that while the UK is similar to the US, it is a different place with different customs and culture.  It is often easy to assume you will not have any problems adjusting because of the common language and history.  In fact, it is to overlook your culture shock or think something is wrong with you for not adjusting well.  In my experience, I have seen people adjust easier when the culture is so different (like moving to Asia), simple because they anticipate those differences in advance.

To some extent you really need to assimilate and ignore the things you are missing in the US.  The US isn't better, it is different.  I have known many people who wrap themselves in a US bubble while in the UK -- only spending time with other Americans, only eating their American food.  These people almost always regret this way of handling the move.  Find things you like in the UK and have fun exploring those things.  But at the same time, indulge in some of your US creature comforts when you need to.  Sometimes everyone needs that piece of home to get them over some homesickness.

And finally, get a hobby if you don't have one already.  Make sure you aren't leaving a lot of dead time when you move over and you are filling it with your hobby.

Wow, that's some really great advice right there. I will definitely put that all into consideration. I hope I was clear, I don't think the U.S is better at all; just it's my home is all. I'd be missing it. I do think however it is a bit unfair that if need be, he wouldn't move here. I'm not even sure how to bring that up to him anymore. I've tried a few times to touch on the subject of him possibly making the move and it's always that he can't leave his mom/family behind.

It kind of bothers me because I'd be leaving my family behind if I'd made the move, it wouldn't be easy for either of us. Although it is probably because he doesn't really like it here that much, while I do enjoy visiting the UK. I do have some hobbies, I draw, I write occasionally, I like making things and I love practicing my German and Finnish. Most of my problems being in my hometown is I have nothing to do but study since I don't have any friends (not exaggerating, lol), I'm always left on my own to think about how things would play out. Hence why I even posted this, too much thinkinggggg..

Hey MandyBoo,

I went to the UK to stay with now DH for over a month last summer to test it out and moved here on a fiance visa in March ’12. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m not desperate to move home and I do genuinely like it here, but I’m still trying to find my place.

Some of the most difficult things for me have been not having my family nearby, not being able to recreate my American recipes (DH has had to deal with many tears in the kitchen), not being able to find clothes that I like (if I do like them, I can’t afford them), the lack of independence, and I really miss good pizza. I also understand what you mean about feeling like an oddball. I have a lot of social anxiety anyway, so it becomes magnified when I have to speak and make it know that I’m not “one of them.” It’s stupid because I doubt anyone really cares and if they do, oh well, it’s really not my problem, but it can be hard to be rational sometimes.

On the flip side, I love DH. I love going to bed with him every night and waking up next to him every morning. I love the little cars and the old buildings. I love the humor. I love that people working in retail get to have lives (for now anyway). I love living near the countryside and seeing the sheep and the cows (that still hasn’t gotten old). I love Sunday Roast and Hobnobs. I LOVE QUESTION TIME. I love Indian food. I love the old ladies who chat with me while we wait for the bus.

I think you’re right to consider what you’ll be giving up, so I want to echo the idea that an extended trip might be in order, but it is possible to leave a place you love and find new things to love about a new place. I still miss Massachusetts and I probably always will, but I know if I moved home tomorrow there would be things I miss about Shropshire and I would definitely miss DH.

Reading this made me feel a bit better, we seem to have that social anxiety thing in common, haha. But thank you for your reply.

Definitely will try for a longer trip if it's possible and I have the means, everyone's advice has been really understanding and helpful, thanks everyone.

Wow, that's some really great advice right there. I will definitely put that all into consideration. I hope I was clear, I don't think the U.S is better at all; just it's my home is all. I'd be missing it. I do think however it is a bit unfair that if need be, he wouldn't move here. I'm not even sure how to bring that up to him anymore. I've tried a few times to touch on the subject of him possibly making the move and it's always that he can't leave his mom/family behind.

It kind of bothers me because I'd be leaving my family behind if I'd made the move, it wouldn't be easy for either of us. Although it is probably because he doesn't really like it here that much, while I do enjoy visiting the UK. I do have some hobbies, I draw, I write occasionally, I like making things and I love practicing my German and Finnish. Most of my problems being in my hometown is I have nothing to do but study since I don't have any friends (not exaggerating, lol), I'm always left on my own to think about how things would play out. Hence why I even posted this, too much thinkinggggg..

In bringing up the issue to your BF, maybe don't approach it from the "I want you to move" perspective (which is just going to cause him to be defensive about not moving) but from the perspective of what will play out if things don't work in the UK.  Make the conversation more than just about your choices like "What would happen if Mandy is too homesick to live in the UK" but about things you can't predict like "what would happen if your parents needed you to move home because of some illness (for example)." 

I personally think it is REALLY important for him to talk through why he feels it is ok to state he definitely won't ever move but you are definitely expected to permanently move.  I have read some real horror stories on this site about one spouse needing to move back to the US and the other refusing (either ending in unhappiness/resentment or divorce).  Because of that, I made it very clear to my British now-husband that I would not marry him if he would not ever live in the US.  It wasn't that I was expecting to move back to the US but it really showed to me that we were in this life together to make the best decisions for us as a couple.  As it turns out, within a few months of being married, I had a serious family issue that made it imperative for us to move to the US.  I could not imagine navigating that family issue if I had to worry about husband refusing to move to the US as well. 

Now I am not saying that it would or should be a deal breaker to you just because it was for me.  But I think it is really important to know what your BF will or will not be willing to do.  Then you can make a decision on whether or not that is something you can live with forever.

On a practical note, you can listen to your favorite radio stations and watch your favorite shows online. I do that while overseas, and it certainly makes life more bearable when I'm missing home (which could be the US OR the UK as I'm living in Asia at the moment).

MandyBoo, both Sara Smile and PlainPearl have given you some awesome words of wisdom!
I so wish someone had told me all of that before my move!
I love London, and I expected it to be an easy move, and it was not... But, I still love it here.
It is VERY different from NYC. And it is very, very different from visiting.
The culture here is very different.
The laws, the expectations, the times that things open and close... everything is different. But, honestly, nothing is 'BAD' here.
I miss some places I used to go to, mostly places to eat, and a few bars I liked, and I miss my friends sooo much, but aside from that, it is fine here.
I am sure if you move there will be many things that you will miss too, but also many things that you will love!

When I'm in England, I always feel like the odd-ball of the group, whether it is being made fun of for saying "pants" instead of "trousers" or feeling like I'm apart of the U.S government for all the American political questions I'm asked. I wouldn't know how to deal with always being kinda the outsider of the group and I guess the thought has been freaking me out lately. Even though it's not even close to happening yet.

As someone who was always the odd one out (back in the STates I'd would always hear '"You're sooooo weird" and not always in a good way :-( ) being here and only being odd for being an American is refreshing. At first, your BFs friends will giggle/laugh at certain Americanisms, but as you become part of the group, that will pass. I think once I moved over and they knew I wasnt going anywhere, a lot of that stopped. I still have the piss taken out of me, but then I remind them that the English thats used in the States is still true to that of the late 1700s rather than the Frenched up version of English most Brits use.

Don't worry about the politics. The first time I came to visit my boyfriend, Kerry had lost the election. In fact, I watched the first bit of his concession speech at JFK airport. Once my boyfriends friends realised I wasnt crazy and didnt vote for Bush, things settled. I explained what was wrong then in 2004 and how things had been broken for a VERY long time. I also explained how the Republicans arent what they used to be and neither are the Dems. Its very similar to how politics are broken here

Every once in a blue moon you run into people you dont know and think YOU = AMERICA!, but its much rarer than it used to be. Though, if things change in November, the weirdos may come back out as the Brits view Romney and his politics are crazy, thus seeing anyone who agrees with him as crazy.

I will say, in my 7+ years here, most people are curious about how politics work more than anything. Theyre amazed we have laws down to the town level. I also live in a town with two large universities (one thats considered Ivy League) and been lucky with people being relatively open in thoughts and opinions as well. I know some people havent been as lucky and people being more closed minded as to what happens in the US.

All I can say, if you can afford it, come over for a 6 months and see whats its like living here when not on holiday. I'd also say the same for your boyfriend in the States. Never say never.

Good luck!

You've gotten great advice already, and maybe I'm a little bit late, but thought I'd throw my 2 cents in...

I've been here 3 years after 6-10 months at a time in France and Germany. Came to the UK for uni; stayed for the man I married. Are there some days when I really, desperately wish I was back in the US? Yes! Whether it's something big like I miss my family and friends or something small like I'm frustrated at how limited the selection of body washes at the grocery store is, sometimes I just miss the US.  There's nothing for it but to have a grumble and then remember what's great about your life in the UK. I always wanted to live abroad anyway, so there's that as well.

Short term, I definitely agree with a 3-6 month visit first. Knowing that you can leave makes it easier to simply see what you enjoy about the country you're in and how it compares to home. Long term, what helps me is that I built a life here rather than staying in a bubble. Not just a husband, but British friends (mainly his, and while they like to bring up the Yank thing occasionally, it's never in a bad way), job, and hobbies (kayaking on the Thames and photography). I love London. I've adapted my favourite American recipes, and have an "X years in the UK" party on the anniversary of my arrival where I cook American food for my friends. My husband does little things to help with homesickness, like planning "Gracias-giving" and serving turkey fajitas when our first flat's kitchen/oven was too small to do a proper Thanksgiving. My mom still sends me care packages from time to time like she did when I was in uni, and I stock up on whatever I miss most when I go back for the holidays.

I guess it's in how you look at it. You're not really losing the US, you're just adding the UK 

I miss my car , taking driving lessons right now , what a pain , hate not having a dryer. and hanging the clothes all over the flat . HATE the weather , chinese food not the same , I'm from NY also ..been here counting visitors visa since nov 2010 went back for 6 weeks for fiance visa and been back since mAY 2011 , HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING I have wanted to do so far since I can't get around with no car, I like to explore and see things

When I'm in England, I always feel like the odd-ball of the group, whether it is being made fun of for saying "pants" instead of "trousers" or feeling like I'm apart of the U.S government for all the American political questions I'm asked. I wouldn't know how to deal with always being kinda the outsider of the group and I guess the thought has been freaking me out lately.

I'm in sort of the same situation except I am planning to marry and move the love of my life. I definitely went through the whole outsider feeling and calling things names that they don't use over there and junk but we just end up laughing it off and making fun of eachother. His friends and family I have all just met in August and they are super understanding when i don't get references and stuff either and have definitely helped make me feel a bit more comfortable.

I'll be moving there the beginning of next year and i know what personally made me feel a lot more at ease about it was just speaking to him. I'm super close to my family and have definitely worried about how I will deal with adjustments and the feeling of how it's more permanent than temporary like our trips to see eachother are. He calmed my fears and tried to work with me to come to resolutions on things I considered potentially hiccups/doubts for me. I think it's important you voice these concerns to him now and that way you can try to resolve some of these stresses so you feel better about any of the choices you could make regarding this.