UK job offer but...

I have been offered the opportunity for an intra-company transfer to work in London.  For a variety of reasons, this is a dream come true and I desperately want to do this.  I would be expected to move this summer, which would be good because I have 3 teens and I want them to finish their school years.  The problem is that my oldest son will be 18 in April and will not be able to come with us because he doesn't want to go to college right away. He wants to join Americorps instead to try to figure out what he wants to do. I feel so guilty at the thought of taking this job when he won't go with us, but I really, really want this job.  And, it would be so good for my other 2 kids and for my British husband who has missed out on being with his 92 year old father, his 2 grown children and 4 grand children for the last 5 years. My husband will be devastated if I turn down this offer. I feel like no matter what I choose, I am letting someone down. Ugh.

So, not sure their is any real right answer here.  I just wanted to write my thoughts. 

Welcome! There is no easy answer to your predicament unfortunately.  I did notice however that you mentioned that your husband has been away from his 92 yr old father and his two grown children for 5 years.  I know this would make him very happy.  Consider this, if you do go, at least you would have 2 of your children with you and you could visit your son frequently with the increased vacation time you would be getting by working in the UK.

Its a tough decision I know... but just wanted to wish you the best no matter what you decide

Thanks Brigitte. I appreciate your response.  My oldest son is totally supportive of us going, but I still feel so guilty.  But, as you say, we can visit and also bring him to the UK for visits, too. So much to think about, but I really do appreciate your non-judgmental response.  It's not a decision I take lightly.

no prob Julezabelle.  Actually it is normal to feel some kind of guilt in the potential of leaving your son.  Doesn't mean that the right decision is to stay or go... its just the way mothers feel about their children.

I can only imagine how you  must feel.  I know this is not much comfort but I'm rooting for you.  How much time do you have until you have to make the decision?

Thanks again Brigette. I have until mid-March to let them know definitely.

I now understand how my husband felt when he left the UK 5 years ago to marry me - and his kids were adults, married and settled.  In some ways, I think this is a bit harder because my son will only just be an adult.  I do have a big family here, though, that will take him in.  Also, he is most likely to be leaving the area anyway for Americorps.  I keep trying to make myself feel better about this - but I don't think I ever will. 

I know, its difficult leaving grown up children! I felt awful when mine went off to college (even tho' they were only 2.5 hours drive away) but they needed the chance to be independent. Then we left them in the US for an overseas posting in Malaysia. But I just had a lovely, chatty 2 hour skype conversation with my oldest, and we are still as close as ever.

And, as you say, your son will have family close by and, if you were still in the US, he would be leaving you for Americorps.

I'd say that you are focussing your worries and doubts about going to the UK on this one issue. That's not meant to be a criticism, its just that I know that I do it myself when faced with big changes.

Hi julezabelle and welcome to the forum! I definitely know what you're feeling, it's a hard decision but more than that the feelings we, as parents, feel is so difficult! My son will be 20 (!) in June- he's informed us he does not want to go with us when we move. I've struggled so much with the thought of leaving him. They just grow up so darn fast and then there comes a time where we just have to let them go.
For us personally, I've thought wouldn't it be great (in some ways!) if I could convince him to come with us, the opportunities that would be opened up for him would be far more than he could ever imagine, but truth is I have to step back and let him take lead of his own life.

As for your son, is it he that does not want to go with you or is he not allowed to with the visa you will be getting (since he will be 18)? I am unfamiliar with any visa requirements other than the EEA family permits, but if there's any chance he would be allowed has he considered some things he could do from within England before starting school?

It's great he is fully supportive of you going. I think no matter what you need to remember that if you don't do something you've desperately wanted to do you will have regrets. Truth is our children grow up (God willing!) and go on with their own lives whether we are ready for it or not- being a parent never is easy.

Thank you both for sharing your experiences with me.  It's nice to know I'm not alone.  It's weird because up until a few days ago, I was 100% gung ho on this move.  Things are moving into high speed on this now and it made me realize I am going to be leaving my son and it just hit me really hard. I guess I never fully appreciated how it would feel and it is much harder than I would have thought.  I've always encouraged my kids to experience life because my mom always held me back from doing adventurous things.  I want my kids to really get the most out of life, even if it means not being with me forever! Which I know I don't really want anyway.

As far as I can tell, if my son wanted to go with us to the UK the only  way he can do it as an 18 year old is as a student.  If we'd been there already, we could have extended his visa, but we are where we are. 

I can't tell you how much it means to me for you all to be so kind.