Not sure what to do..

Hi, long time no see. Straight into my topic; Right now I'm kinda going through a rough patch in my relationship. We've been together over a year now, which is kinda a huge deal for me since I've never made my (very few) relationships last this long. Although it does help massively we were friends for six years prior.

Anyway, I was just wanting some advice. If you guys could go easy on me, that'd be great since I'm kind of in a crappy emotional state right now. Long story short, we're still struggling with the new rules for how much money he has to make to sponsor me. I'm 21 and he'll be 27 this year. He doesn't have many skills, even though he's worked since he was 16 and now works at a hospital mostly in the kitchen. A woman whom is higher up in the hospital, said something about him possibly being a chef and hence, receiving more pay, which he only needs like a pound or two more an hour to be able to sponsor me.

He asked about the possibility to his boss, they said they didn't need one and would only be willing if there was. We are somewhat devastated. We fight about everything when we are apart and it's coming up on a year since I last saw him when I was in England, which is putting a strain on the relationship. I want to be the person that believes love conquers all, but I know realistically, sometimes that doesn't happen. I feel like my life is on hold until we can be together.. I do want go out to do things with friends but I feel like I can't, or I shouldn't because he isn't around to enjoy things with me, if you get what I mean..?

We just had a fight about when he was going to visit me and after month after month, after month of fighting almost constantly, I don't know if I should go on with it. I am so drained, but I do love him very much. When we are together it is so amazing and it's pretty much a perfect relationship, but when we are separated by so much distance, it is clear it's taking its tole. I know there are people out there that have done this for years, or gone years with the visa process or not seeing eachother, but it doesn't make my feelings towards what is happening between us any less relevant. I think with me having no one to talk to about this makes it all the more hard because I have to keep all this inside and that isn't pleasant at all.

Here are some thoughts, which aren't meant to be at all harsh:

You said "I feel like my life is on hold until we can be together.. I do want go out to do things with friends but I feel like I can't, or I shouldn't because he isn't around to enjoy things with me, if you get what I mean..?"

IMHO you should be enjoying your life in the here and now, and not staying in because he isn't where you are. One part of your life is effectively on hold, but you are not doing yourself any favours by not living life to the full.

Although your OH isn't currently earning enough to satisfy the immigration requirements is there something he can do to make himself more employable? You say that he works in a hospital kitchen, can he take classes to make the jump to being a chef? The hospital won't have a limitless budget - they can't just promote an employee if there isn't a vacant position, and if that employee isn't properly qualified.

I know its tough that the financial limits are so high but, if I remember correctly, you are still in education in the US and are not yet in a position to move to the UK?

He doesn't have many skills, even though he's worked since he was 16 and now works at a hospital mostly in the kitchen.

Does he have time to get a part-time job? Sell things on eBay/craigslist? Any hobbies that might bring in some income?

Alternately, does he have interests that could mean more/better skills? If he were willing to do unpaid internships to get skills, that could help him land a job down the line.

A woman whom is higher up in the hospital, said something about him possibly being a chef and hence, receiving more pay, which he only needs like a pound or two more an hour to be able to sponsor me.

He asked about the possibility to his boss, they said they didn't need one and would only be willing if there was.

I can't say I'm surprised. If jobs were as easy as "pretty please, I need £X/hr because [I want my girlfriend here/I have a sick kid/I have a sick dog/I play video games and want to buy more/etc]" then…well, that would be pretty awesome. To ask/expect an employer to create a position for you, especially one which you haven't done before (and may need training in) is asking a lot, frankly. (See above re: unpaid internships.)

Not to say it would never happen, but even if the hospital did need a chef, chances are they'd hire someone already doing the job of chef rather then promoting someone without the skills who already has skills/training doing whatever job it is he does at the hospital (unless that job suddenly became unnecessary).

I feel like my life is on hold until we can be together.. I do want go out to do things with friends but I feel like I can't, or I shouldn't because he isn't around to enjoy things with me, if you get what I mean..?

What are his thoughts on the matter? Does he want you to go out and be with friends? Is he going out and doing stuff with his friends?

As Fruitgum said, you can't just keep your life on hold/boring forever just because you're in an LDR. Obviously you need to make time for your relationship, and make it a priority (planning chats online/visits in person, keeping in touch, taking care of each other emotionally, etc), but even if you both had all the free time in the world you can't just exist solely for a virtual (in the computer-based, not reality-based sense) relationship.

I know there are people out there that have done this for years, or gone years with the visa process or not seeing eachother, but it doesn't make my feelings towards what is happening between us any less relevant.

There are pros and cons to every relationship. One guy is always late on dates. Another guy never remembers to call you back. A third guy cuts his toenails in bed. This guy lives across an ocean. (And, probably, has other "cons" as well.)

You can only take things each day at a time - do you choose to be with him today? Given the distance, given the lack of firm plans for how to be together long-term and/or in-person, given whatever else you're facing as a couple….do you make that choice? Make the choice and stick with it….for today. Then tomorrow - do it again. If making that choice day after day sounds exhausting or overwhelming or not worth the effort or whatever, then you know that this relationship lasted as long as it could, given the circumstances/people/timing involved.

You say that he is looking to get paid more to sponsor you- so I am assuming that would be on a marriage or fiance's visa?
Are you actually engaged? Is there any sort of timeline for a marriage?

I would find it alarming that he won't visit- unless he is saving every cent for a visa.

Is he looking for part time/weekend work to boost his income? If not, why?

For me & my now-DH long distance was never an option. It wasn't something either one of us wanted to do. We were together when we were in the same country and when we weren't we weren't.
Mostly because I didn't want to wait around at home until our schedules/time zones matched to Skype and feel like I put my life on hold if we never got on the same continent and I wasn't ready to get married for a visa.

LDRs work for some people, but if you feel like you can't be happy in the present, like that will somehow diminish your relationship- maybe it isn't the right thing for you. And that is OK.

I know there are people out there that have done this for years, or gone years with the visa process or not seeing eachother, but it doesn't make my feelings towards what is happening between us any less relevant. I think with me having no one to talk to about this makes it all the more hard because I have to keep all this inside and that isn't pleasant at all.

I wouldn't think it is less relevant at all! As PP asked, are you still in school? If so, I know a lot of Uni's offer free counseling and it might be a good idea to talk to someone in person about what you are going through. At the very least it will take a bit of pressure off of your relationship and maybe help you sort out what you want and what you need from a relationship.

You can only take things each day at a time - do you choose to be with him today? Given the distance, given the lack of firm plans for how to be together long-term and/or in-person, given whatever else you're facing as a couple….do you make that choice? Make the choice and stick with it….for today. Then tomorrow - do it again. If making that choice day after day sounds exhausting or overwhelming or not worth the effort or whatever, then you know that this relationship lasted as long as it could, given the circumstances/people/timing involved.

equestriannerd- that is great relationship advice! I love it!

I've been in a lot of LDRs in my time, and eventually I realized that several components had to exist for the relationship to work:

a)  Solid plan towards being in the same place with a (fairly) solid timeline in the near future, ideally within a year

b)  Solid plans whereby both parties can continue living their lives without undo hardship once together (thinking career paths here)

c)  Work on the part of both parties to make the timeline and plan happen, either through more work and savings, taking a second job, etc.

d)  Open communication about expectations for travel and visits, money and pay for those visits, realistic discussions about personal limitations (ie "I won't do X just for a visa), knowledge and expectations about the visa or moving process, and a shared willingness and openness about expected sacrifice on the part of one party to "take the hit for the team" and how that may fit in with their life or their life together

I also came to realize that all the pieces won't necessarily be in place when you want them to be, and there can be a far greater likelihood of opportunity later in life.

I was the queen of the LDR (I think I only had a handful of local US bfs, but they were all so dull!) and looking back at some of those "relationships" it is pretty clear that a number of them went on for far too long because there was no clear path or resources to make a move, or a move would have caused undue hardship for one party that they were not willing to make.  LDR breakups are, unfortunately, really tough because the distance can skew perceptions and you don't have the benefit of body language.  A lot of folks don't understand what you are going through either because they would never contemplate doing it themselves, but it can be very hard to let go.  What you are feeling is completely normal!

Looking at your situation as described - if you were to be able to move to the UK in 6 months, what would that mean for you?  Would his salary and career expectations over time be enough for you, enough to grow a life together?  What if you made more money than him - would that be a problem?  What about creating a social life together?  Or would there just be more arguments over money and distance created?

I am also on a forum for expats moving to Sweden and Sweden has a ridiculously easy residency visa classification for LDR partners to move over.  A lot of people take this option and invariably just as many move back within 2 years because they didn't realize the impact on their career, couldn't be dependent on another person, their partner didn't want the burden of supporting someone who couldn't find a job/had difficulty learning the language/faced some discrimination issues/depressed due to lack of social contacts, etc.  What was exotic initially soon became commonplace and if the couples weren't already on the same page about path and sacrifice, etc well it was a breakup waiting to happen.

There was a lot of great advice posted above, and I think you are aware of what needs to happen.  You may want to put a timelimit on this all - maybe 6 months to see what happens by then, if you get to visit, how that goes, if he is able to expand his income, etc and how you feel about the situation then.  If it hasn't improved, then perhaps it is time to move on.

Finally - don't feel guilty about going out with friends!  You are young once; enjoy it and make the most of it!  Live your life for where you are here and today.

We fight about everything when we are apart and it's coming up on a year since I last saw him when I was in England, which is putting a strain on the relationship. I want to be the person that believes love conquers all, but I know realistically, sometimes that doesn't happen. I feel like my life is on hold until we can be together.. I do want go out to do things with friends but I feel like I can't, or I shouldn't because he isn't around to enjoy things with me, if you get what I mean..?

While I may not have much good advice to give you at this moment, all I really wanted to say to you was that you shouldn't give up. I've definitely been in the same boat as you. While me and DF never argue all that much, it seems like the times we do tend to have our little tiffs is when we are apart. Everything seems to be amazing when we are together (granted it's only for about 2 weeks at a time) but when we start missing each other, that's when our disagreements tend to come up. I know some people may see that as "we are on vacation mode" so naturally we don't fight, but me and DF don't see it that way as we've talked through every potential outcome for us and what we will do in said case so that we are prepared. We spend our time together as if we are living together already and we are always sad to part. We speak to each other almost all day every day and still are just as in love as the first day we spoke a year and a half ago (it works for us even though it doesn't work for everyone). But the distance definitely can take a toll on your relationship and whether or not you two can be strong and stick it out through all the $#!T times and make it through is really what makes the difference. For us throwing in the towel just isn't an option because we can't see our lives without one another and I really hope that it works out the same for you and your OH

Also, when it comes to feeling like your life is on hold, I agree 100% and have described where I am at right now EXACTLY the same way to people. For me, I have no issue going out with friends or family or anything and having a good time or letting him go out and enjoy himself without me. I definitely get the sadness (especially when other couples are there or people start pairing off for the night) of not having him around to enjoy all these things with me and have definitely shed my fair share of tears over this. But at this point it's more that I feel like I'm planning a life over there and therefore cannot better myself here because it's too late. I have less than a year here so starting a career or finding an apartment aren't really an option for me. At the same time, It's too soon for me to really start doing much for my life over there as I can't really ship my things just yet or find a job. I totally share the sentiment of waiting for my life to really start. Best advice I can give you (as I'm unsure of if you are engaged and looking into moving there soon or not) is to do the best you can to better yourself HERE so that when you get there you are in a good position. It helps take up time and thus takes your mind off of the situation for at least a little bit. Maybe you are already in the line of work you want and have all the education you want etc etc but I know I definitely wish I had the time to do more internships and get into a career path so that I might not have to start back at the bottom once I move.

Sorry for the novel. Guess I needed to vent too!   

Hello Mandy boo...hope you r still hanging in there. Haven't been on for awhile and saw your post and wanted to respond.
I don't know the particulars of your stories but is there any way that either you or your boyfriend can get a student visa? That is an easy way to do things if you have some money to show that you can fund your education. But I suppose that money had in the bank could also help bump up ur boyfriends income. Did you see a solicitor yet? Worth it.
Being apart is a killer. I am just flying home now after our wedding and honeymoon.....Alone! We r in the final part of compiling our paperwork for the uk spousal visa. Saying goodbye sucks. Heartbreaking and stressful.
I feel your pain my dear. Stay strong.