How to kiss people?

I have no idea. Please help!   
I've been here three years and have no idea how to kiss people hello/goodbye, etc.
I've been kissed a few times by people from different parts of my life here. I still don't get it. Usually when I see it coming I just let them do their thing. I just kind of stand there and try not to be all stiff. 

I thought you each were suppose to kiss each other on the cheek. Like kisser kisses you on right cheek then moves left cheek for you to plant one. But then based on one cheek kiss I thought maybe while Kisser is kissing you on one side you simultaneously kiss them on available cheek then switch.

BUT then I've had a female co-worker (Italian so maybe different) Just kiss me on both cheeks in a greeting very quickly so I could not react.

Then another time, my boss presented each cheek for me. He did not give any kisses but I kissed him on either side. I may have kissed him too hard. I was nervous...

I don't know what I'm doing. I evidentially never initiate these things because I don't know what the hell I'm doing!  Also, I feel a bit strange doing it. I feel people might be able to sense my nervousness... I don't want to be like the person who shakes your hand and it's all sweaty or crushing or limp etc but with kisses.

Also, are there rules of kissing someone? Evidentally don't go around kissing people at bus stops, but is there like a time limit you should know them/relationship/etc?  I've had someone kiss me that I've had a meetup with twice for about an hour each time.

When should I slip them the tongue?  Kidding!! 

Oh, I totally understand your pain! I'm not a touchy feely person at all, so the fact that strangers or people I don't know very well want to get all up in my personal space and kiss my cheek just weirds me out!

My boss said good morning to me just after new years and went in for the cheek kiss and it was the WEIRDEST thing. Only because it was super unexpected. I pretty much turn down hugs whenever possible with the "sorry, I'm not a hugger" back in the states.

I don't want to be rude, ya know? So I do my best to not be awkward, but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to be slowly less awkward over time.

I live in scotland and from my experience, we never double-cheek kiss. Just one cheek, and it's more like you're pressing your cheek against the other persons cheek whilst making a kiss sound/motion.
I am always so flummoxed when I go down to London or people from the London office come up north. The double-kissing stresses me out.

Born and bred here and the only people I would ever kiss are family and close friends, aside from that I would air kiss in the general cheek area if it came up

Definitely no tongues 

What I seemed to get most of the time was the 'cheek press - air kiss' motion, so as they were doing their thing, I'd do an air kiss too. Just to speed it up, if it was a stranger, but to show my affection too if it was a family member or friend.

The oddest one for me was a kiss on the side of my neck. Well, twice. Once was a woman and once was a man. I always thought neck kisses were more of a couples thing. The woman and I had been online friends for about three years, and we finally met in person. The dude was um... uh.. no idea who he was. He was introduced to be briefly by a friend one night at one of hubby's pool matches. I think he was a friend of that friend.

Eventually you'll figure it out.... Then you'll go to a European country where they start the kisses on the other side and do a different number of them. I've had a few awkward encounters travelling around Europe.

I think the issue here is the mix of cultures. For me, I only do kisses / hugs with friends and family, but number and whether it is only a hug only depends on the cultural context of me + the other person and the cultures we are familiar with. When in mainland Europe, kissing was a general greeting with others, IME, but the number was confusing depending on the other person's origin. 

When we lived in mainland Europe, one of my husband's female colleagues invited us to a Christmas party and I hadn't met her yet. When it came to the initial kiss greeting, I didn't look / notice her direction and we wound up accidentally kissing on the mouth - I was mortified, but she laughed it off.  She understood the cultural minefield I was in, being a Anglophone  Canadian (Quebecois(e) would have more 'kiss' greeting experience) and she is Swedish, Irish and American herself with living in The Netherlands since at least from university at the time.   

My suggestion is to go with what you are comfortable with, relax and bring your sense of humour! 
 
Related article:
Pecking Order
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7040259.stm

Eventually you'll figure it out.... Then you'll go to a European country where they start the kisses on the other side and do a different number of them. I've had a few awkward encounters travelling around Europe.

Haha, this!  My husband has a great-aunt who has lived in Italy for decades.  I always mess up the greeting to the point where she will now tell me to which side she is going to go first so I know what to do.  Bless her!

In South Florida, it was the done thing. You kissed on the cheek and air kissed, depending on if the kisser or the kissed. But still not always straight forward.

I've been here for seven years and I still find it all awkward. I usually just try to hug and keep my face away.       I only want to kiss family or J!

I'm finally back to the thread, long week at work Hmm, so many answers. The article was a good read, it seems like there are a lot of people unsure of what they should do. I guess if anything, I can explain my bumbling away on being an American and not used to these types of things. 

When should I slip them the tongue?

Always. There isn't a situation when "slipping them the tongue" isn't appropriate.

Greeting Friends? Slip 'em the tongue!

Paying the bill at a restaurant? Slip 'em the tongue!

Going shopping? Slip 'em the tongue!

Round for tea at the grandparents? Slip 'em the tongue!

Going to church on a Sunday? Slip, Slip, Slip 'em the tongue!

If you don't, you'll never forgive yourself! ;-) :-P

This is a little song I wrote back in 93. Snowed in in Fairbanks, Alaska....called Slip'em the Tounge.

 

I've never done the double kiss thing with English people. I do have some female colleagues, acquaintances, and friends who are European (French, Eastern Europe, etc) and I do the double cheek kiss with them as a greeting only.