Regret...

So it's been 6 months since my partner and I have moved to the states. For me, it's moving to a place I left and never thought I'd come back to. For my partner, it's a wonderful new adventure. We moved back because I'm going to get my PhD and my partner always wanted to experience America.

In short, I've been miserable. I hate it here. What little friends that are still in the area, I've found I've got nothing in common with anymore.

I feel as though I don't fit in. I miss everything about the UK: my friends, work life, NHS, driving....I could go on and on. Not one day has gone by that I don't wish I was back. However, I feel as though I've got to just stick it out.

I guess the point of this post is to just vent my feelings. It's hard to explain to my friends and family...and even my partner.

Anyone else gone though this?

Yeah, "you can't go home again".  You get back to the US and find that either things you remembered have changed or else you're reminded of all the stuff you never liked before.  Then when you do return to the UK, it's sort of the same sort of culture shock.  Depends on how long you've been away, of course.

Best to get stuck into your degree program and just try to enjoy your husband's enthusiasm.

I hate to say it, but it does get better. That's not hyperbole. I have moved from the US to the UK and back again (twice) and the grass is always greener. In my experience, it takes about 3 years to really get your new home, even if it was your old home,so give it a chance and let this new experience be a guide to trying new things. Not everyone gets the opportunity to move countries so there's gotta be something cool about that. I'm not typing to minimize your regret... Live in it. Hell, wallow in it. And then do what a good friend of mine does - on his one day off every 2 weeks, he and his partner plan a day out doing something that most locals wouldn't even dream off. Frankly, he's seen more of LA in his 1 year here than I have in (collectively) over 10.

From my personal experience, it was hard to do at first, but those friends I had before I moved to the UK? I returned and we had nothing in common. Even weirder were that a couple of them were Brits! It took me a couple years to realize that I had to take stock and move on. I moved to a different part of town, started making new friends who had similar likes to me and those old friends, well they became just that -- old friends. I'm not saying dump your friends, just follow your instincts.

You don't have to fit in to your old life. Moral of the story, what are you going to do with the new life you've been given?

I find it hard to even visit the US and see it again with the same eyes that I used to when living over there.  Best of luck. I think u need to give it more time and try to find things u enjoy. I am still trying to settle after 13 years but my settling had to do With work and figuring out parenthood. I am trying to find positive things each day as I can be quite pessimistic. I think u just need to find your feet again

I am a U.S. Citizen and I feel your pain, it's always hard for me to return & I always get treated harsh by my own customs. My partner is a UK citizen & it's a battle of who's side of the world to live on. For UK citizens it's much easier to live in the U.S. vs US citizens living in UK. I have a refusal stamp & am traveling to the UK to await my schenghen visa and stay with my boyfriend... But if you really love your lady best bet is to listen to her when it comes to living in America, it won't be long and you can always move back. You have to establish ties for your home country's immigration to move back. It's a pain for Americans to get there... Best of luck! It isn't easy dating us Yankee girls


That's bad advice

Try doing this across three countries and its even worse!

This past month and a bit we spent a week in the US, three weeks back in the UK, and a week in Sweden (partners country).  Each one felt like home and in each place there are roots of some sort, but it can be hard to maintain relationships simultaneously.  Sitting in Sweden now, going for brunch tomorrow with Swedish friends, but wondering what is up with work buddies and friends in the UK/making plans for the next few months.  Meanwhile I have a stack of emails from US friends I need to respond to, but it can be hard to be in the right mental state to get to all of those, and feel like you are trying to maintain friendships through email.

I've bounced around between the three, and the first move back UK->US was hard.  Real hard - I spent years wishing I was somewhere I wasn't.  For me it never really went away, hence why we are back in the UK now.  But then we visit the US and its amazing how easy it seems to be back there that you think it will be easy to return and no you won't miss the UK.  Or we come to Sweden and I think the slower pace would be nice, but forget about the immigration limbo I would be in here, and the language/work challenges.

I guess its all that bloom where you are planted stuff.  Everywhere will have pluses and minuses, and some people are better than others at just accepting what is and enjoying the moment. Don't be too hard on yourself,  reverse culture shock is a real thing, but try and find ways to mitigate it, such as exploring your new city or looking for new activities outside your old circle.

i think its important to keep in mind that everyone will have a different experience.........i for one have just fell right back into place in usa after living in the uk for five years...........the only thing im missing is my husband who will move over in a few years.............but aside from that life is great.........we bought a house, a new truck, and adopted a new dog........lol........best wishes on your move back home......i hope things get better for you

Wow... I just posted a new topic (UK Husband Hates the South) and I can't believe how similar our situations are.

I (USC) never wanted to move back to the US anyway, but now that I am here...I really hate it.  However, my husband hates it too.  I wish it would have been a "wonderful, new adventure" like for your partner, but maybe it is easier because we both hate it.

I totally understand what you mean by the friends thing.  My friends and I have absolutely nothing in common.  It's like our relationship worked far better just exchanging e-mails every two months or so... but now that we have to see them in person, it feels more like obligation than enjoyment because our lives have drifted so far apart.  My friends also expect me to give up my "British" ways and ideas and won't except the fact that I'm not really culturally like them anymore.  Plus, they make fun of my accent because it has inadvertently shifted a little.

My husband and I are both hating the situation, but we feel like it's too late to turn back.  I totally feel for you.  It's really tough living somewhere that you don't like.

Have you thought about going back to the UK?  My husband and I have only been here a month and it's already at the forefront of our thoughts.  The only problem is I would be turning down some pretty good opportunities here and would just be unemployed in the UK.

All that matters to me is my husband's happiness, but I fear if we give up on America, it will make him feel like a failure or like he never had "an American experience."  Btw, what state are you in?  Do you think you could move somewhere else to give yourself a new experience as well?  That's what we are desperately trying to do, but it is so difficult to get a job in another state.

Best wishes with everything.