Wedding Planning Frustration

My fiance just got news that his grandmother no longer wants to travel to the U.S. for our wedding. We found a really good deal on flights (£360 for a return flight from Heathrow to Boston in September) and they've already been booked, but she's happy to lose the money. Although she's older, she does not have any major health issues and is not frail. The last time I visited she had spent the whole day on her hands and knees, digging in the dirt in her garden. She is afraid that in the six days she will here that she will have a medical issue and the medical costs will be too expensive. This was brought on by a bout of heartburn she had yesterday. I would understand if she was in ill health and couldn't make it but I just feel like she doesn't want to make the trip regardless. Maybe I have a hard time being sympathetic because my grandmother, who is completely deaf and in her 90s, got her first ever passport four years ago to travel to London to see my Masters graduation. She even managed to squeeze in a trip to Paris.

It has been a struggle planning this wedding from the beginning. I'm moving to the UK after our wedding and thought it was fair to get married in the US since my family will miss out on a lot of life events once we move. The way his family speaks though you would think I'm an orphan and I'm just being high maintenance and asking all of his friends and family to travel abroad for fun.

We've gone out of our way to make this trip as easy as possible, even researching cheap fares and booking their tickets for them. His parents hate the city. They wouldn't even take the 30 minute train journey to London to go bridesmaid dress shopping. I went on holiday with them last summer and they enjoy sitting out on the porch and relaxing all day. They aren't interested in walking around or doing anything touristy. I've suggested that we find them a nice vacation home on the Cape or in the Lakes Region in NH (halfway to the wedding venue) so they can relax for the few days before the wedding. They just keep refusing our help and would rather book a hotel in the city (which they've complained is overpriced) and stay inside all day and be miserable than let us make the effort to make them more comfortable.

I've only met my fiance's grandmother once or twice so I probably wouldn't miss her presence at the wedding, but I just feel terrible for him that his family is making everything as difficult as possible and treating the whole wedding as if it's a burden.

I think with weddings, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

No matter what you do, you will hear:
It's too big
It's too small
Kids should be allowed
Kids should not be allowed
I don't like the food choice
I don't like the venue
And on and on and on

You and your fiancé have provided the inlaws with options.  They are grown adults.  Let them be the master of their own destiny.  They make the bed, they lie in it.

I would have a gift bag/basket for them wherever they decide to stay as a welcome.  But otherwise, I wouldn't spend too much energy on them.  No matter what you do, it'll be 'wrong'.

We eloped.  Yes, it would have been wonderful to have a photo of our families together and to have had a party.  But it was one of the best decisions we've ever made.  We spent our money on amazing rings and the honeymoon of a lifetime instead.   

KFDancer this is literally the same conversation I have with him every time this comes up. That they are adults and they can figure it out. When we first discussed getting married in the US he told me his mother (who is in her 50s, with a husband 12 years younger than her) was "too feeble" to travel. She works as a waitress and spends all day on her feet  He's just developed a habit of enabling them.

Oh gosh they sound awful.

I definitely second KFDancer's points about not being able to pleas everyone. Just go with what is good for you. It's your day and no one else's nonsense should matter

My I laws are usually pretty good, but I have noticed that both my husband and my In-laws consider certain things to be far too burdensome for them to do for us (or unthinkable for us to even ask). And these are the kinds of things I would never even have to ask my parents for, as my parents would just do them automatically.

I never thought it was necessarily a cultural thing but I'm starting to suspect that it might be after reading all these in-law horror stories on here. Ha.


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His parents hate the city. They wouldn't even take the 30 minute train journey to London to go bridesmaid dress shopping.

I understand that you're frustrated with lots of things regarding this wedding, and rightly so.  But on this particular point my first thought was... why WOULD they want to shop for bridesmaid dresses with you?  Surely this is for you and the bridesmaids to do... why on earth would you expect the parents of the groom to be involved with this?

I understand that you're frustrated with lots of things regarding this wedding, and rightly so.  But on this particular point my first thought was... why WOULD they want to shop for bridesmaid dresses with you?  Surely this is for you and the bridesmaids to do... why on earth would you expect the parents of the groom to be involved with this?

See this is where we differ. If I had a future daughter in law who was trying to plan a wedding an ocean away from her own mother I would offer all the help/support
I could. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be hurt or frustrated  by this at all.

I understand that you're frustrated with lots of things regarding this wedding, and rightly so.  But on this particular point my first thought was... why WOULD they want to shop for bridesmaid dresses with you?  Surely this is for you and the bridesmaids to do... why on earth would you expect the parents of the groom to be involved with this?

I asked my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid so invited their mother along on the shopping trip. What actually happened is I had one bridesmaid living in London while they live in Hampshire. I asked if we could go to a shop halfway so that the one in London didn't have to take an hour train ride. We even offered to drive them. They were extremely difficult and refused to consider any shop other than the one in their village that they went to for fiance's brother's wedding. He finally convinced them to consider another shop and we treated them to lunch beforehand. His mother said that she "couldn't think of anything worse to be doing on a Saturday afternoon". So all in all a pleasant experience 

I really sympathise. We find we are the ones who have to travel to see people, stay at hotels, are expected to pay for meals out (you're the "rich expats"). And, if we comment the answer is something like "But you travel a lot, so you're used to it! ". We've temporarily moved back to the UK from overseas and we're the ones who are expected to get in our cars and travel 4.5 hours to see the in-laws. Heaven forbid they should return the favour! There are some people who like to sit at home, and that's it.

Sorry to turn this into a personal rant, but I've learned that people don't change, you might as well realise now that they will always be this way, and you have to own your life. We've come to terms with the fact that will have to travel to see family and combine a the visit with a trip to somewhere else we'd like to see. If you keep getting stung with the restaurant bill its quite fun to ask the server to split the bill in restaurants - the look on some family members' faces makes it worthwhile!

I asked my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid so invited their mother along on the shopping trip. What actually happened is I had one bridesmaid living in London while they live in Hampshire. I asked if we could go to a shop halfway so that the one in London didn't have to take an hour train ride. We even offered to drive them. They were extremely difficult and refused to consider any shop other than the one in their village that they went to for fiance's brother's wedding. He finally convinced them to consider another shop and we treated them to lunch beforehand. His mother said that she "couldn't think of anything worse to be doing on a Saturday afternoon". So all in all a pleasant experience 

I see what you mean.
(I had a rather narrow vision of the shopping trip being you and your MIL & FIL). 

What a nasty woman!
From what you've written in other threads, I get the impression that your man isn't really standing up to/ taking your side with his friends and family.  I would be questioning this... what are his thoughts on the way you're being disregarded by the people in his life?

I'd be tempted to tell his family that you will be having a small reception here after the main ceremony in the states and it's not necessary any more for them to travel. 

Leave it completely open that anyone who actually wants to come to the US can,  and you will soon find out who cares about you.  Treat these people like the true friends and family they  are and ignore the rest. 

Let hubby manage the future relationship with them , including the UK reception.   If he doesn't bother to organise a UK reception, then just forget you ever even said it.   Or make s joke of it, like "I'm still waiting for hubby to arrange that one.."

Get on with your life and just visit them once a year or so on Christmas, but only if hubby makes the arrangements.  If they can't be bothered to make a relationship with you, maybe you should take the hint and fill your life with people that like you and want you to be there.

It may sound extreme, but that's essentially the way I deal with my wife's French family.  The ones that talk to me and make me feel welcome get my friendship, the others just get ignored.  I don't even learn their names!    It's not hostile or unfriendly, everyone just knows that's the way I am.  More importantly, over the years I have developed really nice relationships with the ones who want to know me and I'm genuinely glad to have them as family.  The rest, I just don't spend much time thinking about.


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What a nasty woman!
From what you've written in other threads, I get the impression that your man isn't really standing up to/ taking your side with his friends and family.  I would be questioning this... what are his thoughts on the way you're being disregarded by the people in his life?

I don't think he sees it as me being disregarded. In his opinion, I just need to be patient because a new addition to the family, especially a foreignor, is a big change for them. He recognizes that they're not being welcoming, but I just need to be understanding and wait for them to come around. I've tried explaining to him that although he may have had positive experiences with them over the last 30 years that allows him to brush off their behavior as a 'bad day', they have been like this since the moment I met them. I have nothing else to base my impression of them off. So it's incredibly difficult for me to continue to be patient with them.

Yesterday his brother called him asking for the details of everyone's flights so he could shorten the trip from a week to just the weekend because "there's nothing to do in Boston/New England anyway". (I've created a website with a detailed travel section and offered my help on numerous occasions.)

I don't think any of them are actually malicious but the constant negativity and lack of communication is really getting to me. When they have a question or concern they don't ask myself or my fiance. They talk amongst themselves and get all worked up over issues that could easily be solved if they asked someone knowledgeable. Or even did a google search! Sometimes I wonder if they are just so used to complaining all the time that they don't even notice the things that come out of their mouths and how negative/rude it sounds to someone who is not used to it.

I totally feel for you with the in-law pain! Even though, I had the opposite problem, where they wanted to plan everything themselves and started to until I finally found my voice. If I brought it up with the hubby, he would say it's between us and didn't want to get involved, which annoyed me a bit.

For me, it's how eager they are to please the hubby (because they want to be close to him but he's not a huge family man and wants to maintain a distance from them). They're so worried that they'll bother him though, that they will message ME if they want anything from him...but that's another rant!!

Nonetheless, my advice to you, that was given to me so many times, is that this is YOUR wedding. Not theirs
 If they want to get mad over which shop you bought a dress from, or be rude, let it be their problem. I think eventually they will regret the way they acted and how they have alienated themselves all on their own. In the meantime, enjoy this exciting time in your life with hubby to be! :-)

Now the latest issue is with the travel plans. I've been helping his parents plan a trip to Cape Cod for the lead up to the wedding. I gave his brother and SIL a heads up, saying that if they want to stay in the same general area Cape Cod might be something to consider, with a link to some tourist info. They immediately replied thanking me for my help, but they’d like to go to the White Mountains, and his parents will probably come along (completely disregarding that I mentioned I had been helping his parents plan an alternate trip that very day). I think they first mentioned the White Mountains in January and at the time I told them I love the area, but it’s rustic and mostly outdoor recreation activities, so if that’s what you’re looking for, go for it.

They picked the most rural area of the mountains and asked me why they can’t find a “4 star luxury spa hotel”. More specifically they want to stay in the White Mountains park, not outside of it in a nearby town. There is one beautiful hotel there that I sent them a link to, but it’s way out of their budget. Now they are adults and can vacation wherever they please. I don’t care. But what I don’t want to happen is that they go up there expecting a high-end resort experience only to show up and find it’s a quaint New England town full of B&B’s. They will be absolutely miserable and then bring that negative attitude to the wedding, which will really hurt my fiance’s feelings. If the trip was after the wedding it wouldn’t really matter because we wouldn’t have to deal with them. I suggested when they find a place they like to check the neighborhood out on Google Street View just to confirm it’s what they’re looking for. Hopefully that will help them have realistic expectations.

They are also going to Boston for a few days after the wedding and were complaining about hotel prices. They said they would like something “centrally located with general luxuries” but their budget isn’t  really going to accommodate that. From other comments they’ve made I get the impression they think Boston is some sort of backwater and don’t realize it’s an expensive major city. The exchange rate may work a little more in your favor in cities with lower costs of living, but you can’t go to a major east coast city and expect to have a luxury holiday for a budget price. But thankfully that leg of their trip isn’t my problem because I won’t be around to have to listen to their grumblings.

I think you need to help less, waaaaay less. I understand. I do similar things when my parents come to visit me here, mostly because my mom asks/expects it. So I get it.
But really, their experience/holiday is going to be good or bad or inbetween regardless of if you help them. And if you DO help them, and then it sucks, they will blame you, etc.
They are grownups with internet, and unless they ask you for specific help (which hotel, this one or this one?) you should leave them to it, as it will only bring you grief and stress.
As to 'why no luxury spa' or 'whys Boston so expensive', I'd just nod and smile, and fake commiserate. 'It's such a shame, yeah I know - things are so expensive.' Cut your losses - you're not going to convince them and at least they'll like you in the process.
Don't waste your time on them, honestly - it'll only end in tears. This is the beginning of the rest of your in-law life - start now separating their contentment from your efforts.