Ready to throw it all away.

Scottish DH and I have been married and in the US together for 10+ years. He has US citizenship, we have kids and a house. We are settled and he's committed to life in the US.

Here's the kicker: In a shocking turn of events, my dad died suddenly a few months ago, and now it's me who longer feels committed to our life here. I find myself unexpectedly very homesick for the UK.

We recently got back from visiting Scotland for the first time in 3+ years, and I honestly felt like I'd gone home. I felt this deep sense of belonging again that filled the emptiness my dad left behind. (My own tiny family has always been hot and cold.) I absolutely adore his family and feel so close to them. My kids had cousins to play with, loving aunts and uncles and grandparents. We were able to go away for a couple nights for the first time since before we had kids.

Almost nothing in the US has stayed the same for us in the last decade. We've lost almost all of the people and places that made the US "home" to me. We even live in a different state. Losing my dad really was the last straw for me. DH's family and where they live have not changed in the 13 years I've known them. After what happened this year, that is extremely comforting. Being there really is second nature to me.

DH is very settled here in the US, so while he is fairly open to the idea of moving back, he is very hesitant. I appreciate that he's cautious, because we do live in a safe area with no crime, good schools, we love our house and yard. It took us a decade to reach this point of stability and comfort, and we'd be giving it all up in a matter of months for a completely different life. But my dad's death was a wakeup call to what is truly important to me. Life is very short.

I'm under no illusion that I'll just slip into a new life over there and live happily ever after (I'm no stranger to moving). I'm expecting a challenging adjustment period with maybe even regrets. But I'm looking at the big picture now.

While we were over, my DH spoke to his brother about housing, cost of living, etc., so some of his family know this idea is crossing our mind. They seemed surprised but thrilled. I've been starting to research visas and other logistics and we meet the requirements.

But because DH is not completely on board yet, the whole idea still feels very abstract. We also have to make our decision from three thousand miles away too, which is very intimidating. I can't even fill out the visa form because they expect a travel date. We are so far off from even considering that.

I'm wondering if anyone has had experience uprooting a completely settled life (with your UK spouse) to start all over again, for family reasons? How did it go? What can I expect that I might be overlooking? How do you "unsettle" yourself without fear?

Oh tough one.  I'm very sorry to hear about your dad.  I would encourage anyone to wait a year before making such a massive decision though.  But I certainly understand the draw and pull to be near loved ones.  I'm having much of the same struggle, only the other way.  (We don't have support in the UK)

I would caution about the current climate towards immigration and Brexit... not to mention Scotland's own thoughts of leaving the UK, etc.  It's a tough time to be an immigrant here.  The visa fees are spiralling out of control.  We have additional levy's on the NHS, etc.

That being said, moving back may be the absolute best decision you ever make.  Hard to know.  I would keep talking with your husband and come to a decision you are both happy with and excited about. 

Wow, apart from some of the details, I could have written this! Considering the same move (to Scotland) but my DH is English. We've been married and in the US for 10 years, he has US citizenship and we've got a house and kids in a decent area and a generally nice life. We've decided to make the move, however we've not worked out the details. Back in 2011, we attempted a move from here (US) to his hometown in London. We went with minimal savings, no jobs, bank accounts, and just suitcases. I recommend NOT doing that lol. It took 6 months for us to give up and head back and start over here. Definitely don't wing it, not that it seems like you intend to, that's just what I have to offer 

Hi

This is going to be a process of discussion, evaluation, checking and re-checking and then finally making a decision that ONLY you and your husband can make.

It definitely sounds as though you are researching well and trying to cover all aspects so that you can draw closer to that informed decision, this is a very good thing to do !

No one can predict how things will be for you if you decide to come here as no one knows your professions, lifestyle choices, priorities with what you want, what's going to be good/better for your kids etc.

What I will say is that I agree with KFdancer above - it's a tough time to be an immigrant in the UK and given the likely many years of political and thus economic uncertainty ahead, I'd suggest/urge very deep evaluation on this aspect unless you have a couple million pounds in the bank sloshing around.

Scotland is pushing for another referendum, if they do get it, the outcome 'seems' that they'll want to remain part of Europe - but this could take years to get to. If they don't get a chance to have a second vote or it goes the way that they want to remain part of the UK, there's more years of uncertainty ahead there too.

I'm going to stick my neck out a bit and say that I think you and your husband should keep your kids futures as the main priority. For that, I'd say not to move to Scotland (or anywhere in the UK) given the upheaval that's looking likely for the next 5-10+ years. As a compromise, maybe visit more often to see his family.

If also, in the next 1-2 years, the government announce some excellent trade deals and a plan of how independent Britain will flourish and the whole country begins to see the benefits of that, then there's always the option then to apply for the move over !

Cheers, DtM! West London & Slough UK!