A question for the parents about death.....

When I was in elementary school a classmate accidentally killed himself.  His family invited his friends and classmates to the funeral, but my mother felt I was too young to deal with it so she didn't let me go.  I think, in retrospect, it would have been better for me to attend.  I never really "got" that he was dead.  While I was old enough to understand what dying was and what had happened to him, it sort of seemed like he just moved away suddenly or something. Death is a big concept to deal with, even at our age.  I just think that based on my experience, and as hard as it would have been for my mom to be part of, it would have been better for me to go to the funeral.  I hope that made sense...

This is total speculation, but it makes sense to me, so..yeah...  My kids lost their dad when they were almost 2 and 3.  I'm not sure if I'm glad they were that young  Fortunately, they didn't see any of the death itself (it was a violent suicide) but they did have to deal with a fairly freaked out mother.  They didn't go to the funeral but did go to the reception-thing (my one laugh of the day was the little girl having covered herself in chocolate frosting).  In the last couple of years though they've been trying to figure all of this out while having very little to go on.  What I'm getting at is that perhaps your child is old enough to have a concrete experience to associate with this event and that might be a good thing.  Nebulousness in memory perhaps makes sorting out feelings more difficult.   Then again, I'm a person who likes to have as much information about something as possible, no exceptions.   So long as you keep it together and the child isn't unnecessarily frightened, with guidance and perspective, attending might be the most positive way for him to deal with this experience.

I haven't read everyone's reply so I apologize if I am repeating someone's. I really think it completely depends on the child. My daughter's grandmother died when she was 7. She didn't want to go to the funeral and she is one that thinks things through and deals with things more on her own. Meanwhile my nephew very much wanted/needed to go. He needed to know she was really gone. I really think it depends on the child, and I would have a long talk with the child and gage what was best. If it was decided that the child was not going-- then I would go.

Helena

Im 37 and have never been to a funeral in my life. I have lost many friends, my grandfather, my father, and just last week I lost an Aunt. I just dont believe in funerals. I know it may sound silly but I dont. My friend Steve died when he was 27. His family had a private funeral and had a memorial service for his friends. To me that is much better than a funeral.
My neice went to her friends funeral. They were both just 9 years old. The little girl was hit by a car by her mother. My neice still to this day (she is 14 now) cannot get over the death of her friend. I cannot help but to think if she didnt go to the funeral she would have grieved in her own way and things would have worked out better for her.
I might add that I am an active Spiritualist that believes the body is just a shell. We only need it in this life
But thats an entirely different topic.

First, I'm very sorry to hear that a child has died (I assume this is what happened).  It so heartbreaking.

If this happened to one of my son's friends, I would let him go to the funeral if that is what he wanted to do.  I'd try my best to prepare him for what happens at a funeral, and answer any questions that would arise.  How each child reacts will be different because people grieve in different ways.  There is no right or wrong way.  It's a strong emotion for which we really have no control, and for children, it's probably even more confusing.  I would take the lead from my child and go from there.

One thing I would like to point out is the reference to open casket.  If the funeral is in England, it's very unlikely that it would be open casket.  If that is a concern to you, maybe that would be a factor in whether or not you want your child to attend the funeral.

Im 37 and have never been to a funeral in my life. I have lost many friends, my grandfather, my father, and just last week I lost an Aunt. I just dont believe in funerals. I know it may sound silly but I dont. My friend Steve died when he was 27. His family had a private funeral and had a memorial service for his friends. To me that is much better than a funeral.
My neice went to her friends funeral. They were both just 9 years old. The little girl was hit by a car by her mother. My neice still to this day (she is 14 now) cannot get over the death of her friend. I cannot help but to think if she didnt go to the funeral she would have grieved in her own way and things would have worked out better for her.
I might add that I am an active Spiritualist that believes the body is just a shell. We only need it in this life
But thats an entirely different topic.

I'm beginning to think this is the way to go.  My gran was a Mayan Indian, and although she was Christian, much of her culture still held on to many indigenous beliefs.  One is that death is simply a passage to the spirit world/heaven/nirvana, etc.; therefore there is no need to fear it or grieve for those who leave this life, b/c those in the spirit world can still interact with those in the living.  Death is seen as simply another life process.  She had no funeral, only a memorial service. 

In a way, it's very sad that in the West we think of death as very final and put emphasis on saying 'goodbye' and 'moving on'.  Even Christianity teaches us that people who are dead - Jesus, Mary, saints, etc. - and even those who began their existence as spirits - angels, for example - can still interact with the living. 

Life will 'move on' matter what, simply b/c of the passage of time, so why must we think it is s/thing that must be actively worked on or some twisted goal or destination to reach after a loved one has left this life? 

THanks everyone!  I agree, you should let the child take the lead BUT he never mentioned wanting to go.  His mother pretty much dragged him.  I think if he had said he wanted to go, then yeah.

Or maybe she should have prepared him better.  I like what some of you said, about explaining what it is.....what happens or may happen....and then letting him decide.

*sigh*

it's a sad story all around, i think my mom is just worried my sis in law did the wrong thing by taking him.

I'd like to pose a question to you all.

You have an 8 year old son.  His best friend dies (is hit by a school bus, as a side note his poor mother saw her son killed).

1. Do you take him to the funeral for his best friend or do you go yourself.

2. If you did take him, if you walked in and saw it was an open casket, would you walk your son out or stay?  (this was his first time seeing a dead body)

This is a no judgement thread please-i'd just like to hear what others would have done.

Aimiloo,

When I read this, I couldn't breathe for a moment for the pain of imagining that mother's horror and grief.  You are right, the death of children simply shouldn't be.

I know the funeral has already passed, but for what it's worth, I have read that around seven years of age is when a child is first really psychologically/emotionally/mentally developed enough to grasp what "death" means.  Before that age, it seems to be mainly very confusing for children, and so the reason why many times a child will ask "When is [n] coming back?" not understanding that the absence is permanent.

I think when dealing with death and funerals or any other cultural rendering of grief, what others here have said already I agree with.  At 8 years of age, I think I would let the child set the tone for how he or she proceeds to deal with such a loss.  "And a child shall lead them" seems appropriate to me, since we adults don't seem to have any great monopoly of understanding on death.  Sometimes the instincts of children can help us find our own way through the awful maze that the death of a loved one presents.  If it were my son and he needed/desired to go, I don't think I could deny him that outlet--or even tentative exploration of death--though as you mentioned it would be incredibly difficult for me, like others here have also stated, to be strong through such an ordeal. 

Apologies for the ramblings.  My heartfelt sympathies to your sil and her son during this time.  I would like to say "I can't imagine what that mother feels", but the real truth is I don't want to.  It's so damn frightening to contemplate.   

Rebekah

 we adults don't seem to have any great monopoly of understanding on death.

Rebekah

Sometimes I think we can even be a hindrance to kids trying to deal with death.  In my case, every time the kids come back from the Mormon in-laws's house, they seem more confused about their dad's death, since they undoubtedly would have been told all sorts of things about heaven and Heavenly Father and the whole 'families are forever' thing.  I'm not saying Christian traditions are any more wrong than me when it come to ideas on death, but I really wish people would respect that the kids are young and that they need ideological solidarity on the facts we can all agree on (i.e., he's not coming back in this life), and leave well enough alone with the mythology until they're older.

Sorry, that started to sound more like a rant. :/

My uncle died when I was 11 and his daughter, my cousin was 22 months old.  She has no memory of him now.  But when she was 3, her babysitter used to tell her that her daddy was up in heaven with Jesus and the angels.  For a 3 year old, that was so confusing.  She thought her daddy was on a trip and would come home soon.  My aunt just had to explain that her daddy was dead and not coming back.  It was hard to hear her blurt out, "My daddy's dead" in the middle of family dinners.  That was how she dealt with trying to figure out where he was. 

That sounds familiar.  Not that I'd want to curb my kid's expression, but I was glad when this summer they *finally* got out of the phase of telling everyone they came across that their daddy was dead. 

I wonder if kids have really compartamentalized thinking at that age when it comes to family roles.  They really started in on that when I got remarried and suddenly had to reconcile new, real daddy with the old, ambiguously not here daddy.

It was hard to hear her be so blunt about it.  I told my mom I didn't know what to say to her when she said it.  My mom just said, "Tell her yes, he's dead and we miss him very much."  And let it be.  I think it helped that my aunt didn't get remarried and until the last year, wasn't really seriously involved with anyone.  She's living with a really wonderful guy now and hopefully they'll get married after my cousin graduates from uni this summer.   

Nothing takes the place of the person who died but in time, the wounds heal and it's easier to look back fondly.  My cousin is SO much like my uncle.  She looks like him, has the same interests, sits like he did, laughs like he did.  When she was about 7 or 8, she went through this phase of LOVING wrestling on TV.  My aunt just laughed and said, "Oh, Doug would be so proud to have a daughter who knew more wrestling moves than most boys her age!"

My first funeral (that I attended) was when I was 7, my grandmother.  Then at 8, the first funeral for a friend.  From 8 to 22, I attended 7 funerals for friends.  I would not attend another "adult" funeral until my grandfather died when I was 23.  I lost friends to accidents, suicide and cancer.  I was young when I attended all of those services.  And I remember much of it very clearly.

My parents were very supportive of me, and helped me through the grieving process.  I think, looking back, that it was a good thing for me to attend.

In the last 6 years, I have had to bury four babies (nieces and nephews less than 6 months).  Other nieces and nephews attended the services, though some did not.  The choice to attend or not attend was decided by the children and thier parents. 

It is a very hard thing to know what to do.  My fiances father passed when he was just 6.  He was not allowed to attend the funeral and to this day (37 years on) he wonders if he would have had an easier time had he been alowed to attend. 

I'll say this: Children are resiliant.  They are often better able to handle things like this than adults.  With an open and honest dialouge, it can be a very healthy expericence for a grieving child.