It's more complicated than that. Performativity substituting for meaningful substance is admittedly just not my bag -- whether with regards to events or allyship or interpersonal dynamics or etc etc. But it's particularly hollow here, where my 'achievement' is holding enough, multifactorial privilege to be able to outlast the requirements of a bigoted, oppressive structure. While I can imagine, perhaps, one day being persuaded to attend one of my graduations (all that time wasted when you could be reading or napping or snacking or going for a walk!), I can't separate the political from the personal here. At the very heart of a citizenship ceremony is the creation (celebration) of division, 'you' -- worthy, achieving -- versus 'them': the undocumented, the not-citizens, the only-residents. I cannot find joy in the complicity and, yet, to deny myself security would be equally injurious, so my relationship with all citizenships remains complicated.
Wow, HMS_Seahorse. I feel that. Your point is valid, and I totally respect what you're saying.
In fact, I had a similar experience with getting married. I was boycotting because back in the US, "they" were defining marriage on the basis of a book I don't subscribe to in order to deny it to same-sex couples, which I viewed as unjust. But the only way I could legally remain with my partner in the UK was if I married him, so I returned to the US long enough to get the right visa, came back, and we got married. We tried to de-ritualize the ceremony as much as we could by choosing a civil ceremony at the Registrar's office and only having our two witnesses (and their son) in attendance. I rationalized it on the day with the fact that same-sex civil partnerships were legal in the UK, so I wasn't doing something that wasn't available to everybody in the place I was. But I was upset that I couldn't have a civil union (now legal here!), and same-sex couples couldn't have marriage, so there was still a distinction being made. It still felt like I was compromising my principles.
But when I really thought about it, my boycott wasn't going to win the fight for same-sex marriage, or make
any impact in the world, really. And not getting married when I did would have meant that my husband and I most likely would've ultimately gone our separate ways and we wouldn't be where we are today.
I suppose in your case, you have Indefinite Leave, so there's no
need to get citizenship, but as you said, it does give you security. And the ceremony is part of getting citizenship. So... You should be prepared: you do have to recite the oath, out loud. Maybe a group ceremony would be better for you, so you can mumble along in the sea of voices. In a private ceremony, there's just you, stood in front of the person officiating, repeating phrases after him/her. No getting around it. :/
