Alzheimer's disease

I can't begin to describe what the past month in the States has been for me. I've seen a once-brilliant woman (my mother) not remember things we discussed five minutes previously. I wrote a long post about this just a while ago, but it didn't go through, and I'm too emotionally exhausted to recount what happened tonight. Let me just leave it at this--watching someone you love lose their faculties is as heart-breaking as it gets.

To hell with it. I'll rewrite the post. Last night, my mom went to the bathroom. I heard a thump, and then heard her crying out for help. She's 78, has had a couple of strokes, and uses a cane to get around. In the meantime, my dad was oblivious, because he doesn't wear the hearing aid he should be.

I tried to open the bathroom door, but my mom was prone on the floor and blocking it. I asked her to try to move her legs just a little so I could get in. So my mom, a once-dignified woman, had lost her balance and fallen into the side of the tub. She was lying on the floor between the tub and the toilet, with her pants and underwear down to her ankles. She'd also peed all over herself. So I tried to help her up, but then my OWN f--king hip gave out, so I called for Andrew. My mom didn't want him to see her like that. One of my brothers was there, so he lifted her up onto the toilet seat, and then I told him to leave us alone. I helped her clean herself, get into clean underwear, panties and socks, and she was crying the whole time. "I can't believe my daughter has to dress me now." I joked with her about how she'd cleaned my bottom enough in her day, and it was only fair. In the meantime, the a**hole who charades as my father was yelling, "How much longer are you going to be? It's time to eat."

My mom is wasting away. Her physician sees her as so old she's a write-off. My dad's only concern is that she's a burden to him (whereas she used to make him three meals a day, do his laundry, iron his clothes). I guess she's outlived her usefulness to him.

The saddest thing was that five minutes after she was dressed, she told Andrew (my husband) that she thought she may have fallen down in the hall earlier.

I had to go outside and just sob. That's all I can say.

So sorry Suzanne. My grandmother is going through the same thing. Just over a year ago she was living alone, driving, etc. She went in for a simple hip replacement and she hasnt been the same since. Its very hard for me to come to terms with as I was the one who took her to the hospital for her operation and she was just fine. I went back to the USA in October to see her (she lives with my mom now) and she didnt even recognize me. It breaks my heart because we were so very close. All she does now is mostly sleep all day. She doesnt recognize anyone around her and worst of all she is incontinent now. I feel so badly for her. She always used to tell me "Im old and my body is breaking down but at least I still have my mind"
I dont have any advice to help you. Please try to stay strong and anytime you want to vent or just express your feelings please feel free to PM me.
Hugs to you honey
Ricki x

Ricki,

I guess part of it is that I feel ripped off with time with my mom. She had me relatively late (when she was 39), and I have a lot of guilt about having lived in the UK since 2000. When I was in school, people sometimes thought she was my grandmother.

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother. My mom still knows who I am, but I don't know if that will be so the next time I visit (she's said that herself several times since I've been here--we both know and hate what's happening). I would do ANYTHING to stop this disease in its tracks. I can't believe there's any question about stem cell research these days...

Suzanne

I'm so sorry Suzanne.  I've only had a family friend have it, and it was sad enough.

I wish you stregnth in this and we're here to lend a listening ear. 

Big old HUG

Suzanne:

As someone who just went through this exact same thing with her own mother, you have my most heartfelt sympathies.  I can not say anything to make you feel better and help you with this situation other than I am a good and empathetic listener should you ever need one.

One thing that was suggested to me that I stubbornly did not do was join a support group.  It may or may not be your thing, as I am still not sure it is/was mine.  The support group can help you deal with your feelings and maybe help you to cope, even though you are far away.  Just something to think about.  Again, my heart goes out to you, I can say honestly I know how you feel.  It is truly heartbreaking.  My best to you and your family.
 

One more thing Suzanne, is your mother on any drugs for Alzheimer's?  There is a drug called Aricept, it was relatively new (I think) in late 2002 when my mother was put on it by her doctor.  Which, BTW, I insisted he do something, thank god for tenacity as the US health care system stinks.  Sorry, for that.  It really helped my Mom.  In the two years that she lived after that, she only once forgot who I was and that was only for a minute as I wouldn't let her.  This also included phone calls that I made to her from the UK.  All is not lost, be proactive with the doctors, do not let them give up.  My Mother passed this last September from something totally unrelated to Alzheimer's.   More often that not, Alzheimer's patients suffer from short term memory loss, say the past 10-15 years.  This was the case with my Mom, she didn't know the date or who was the current president (not always a bad thing) but she knew her family and friends.  Have hope and again if you need an ear, I will listen to you.

Suzanne,

I'm very, very sorry.  It it must be a very difficult and emotional time for you right now.

My thoughts are with you. 

I'm so sorry Suzanne.... My mom also had me at 40 and so my parents are in their 70s and starting to have troubles as well. My mom is relatively sharp still, but my dad is either in the early stages of Alzheimers or has been having strokes affecting his memory - I've studied Alzheimers a bit for my Masters and he doesn't actually show that many signs technically, but something is clearly very wrong. And I also really do relate to your feelings about your dad. It's ironic that my dad is the parent who is deteriorating because we're all finding it hugely difficult to sympathize with him. I know it sounds horrid, but he's an evil man who has never thought of anyone other than himself his entire life and so has made life for his "family" total hell. Even in his decrepit state he's a jackass - lies to everyone, including the doctors, constantly and continues to read the personals ads in front of my poor mom every week - he can't remember what he did this morning, but he remembers that he's a womanizer.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just really wanted to say that I sympathize and understand how emotionally draining it all is. My thoughts are definitely with you.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother, Suzanne.   My Grandma has got alzheimer's and is currently in a nursing home because her husband couldn't cope with her waking at inappropriate times, etc.  Grandma is quite elderly (85) and was originally (in 2001) put on medication that was slowing the progress of the disease.  However, the doctors found out quite quickly that it could affect her heart, and stopped the meds, although I know that both my aunt and my Dad still believe that quality of life rather than quantity would have been the kindest thing in the long run.  I feel really awful for my Dad to be in this position, and I'm so sorry that you're in the same one.

Thank you all for such kind messages. Rose, I saw a commercial about Aricept in the States the day we left, and am going to call the number given--my mom's taking meds, but they're not working. Anne, I'm sorry your dad was a womanizer. I can only imagine how much you and your mom resented that. My dad, to my knowledge, never cheated, but he was incredibly emotionally (and, at times, physically) abusive and lives in a constant state of unfounded rage. Anyway, Andrew and I are going to work our asses off to go back to the States as soon as possible, because time really matters now. Again, thank you all for your support.