How do you make friends in the UK?

We just moved over in August '04 -- and I am still uncertain how to meet people.  As an adult I have lived in 3 different communities in the US (East Coast, Midwest and West Coast) and had no problems meeting people (thought it was always fun!).  I understand how to meet people in the US - go to the park or get involved in a kid's program.  Thought maybe I would meet some thru the school (1 in Nursery and 1 in reception); but that hasn't really happened either.    There doesn't seem to be that relaxed attitude that I am use to in the states.  The "back door is always open" doesn't seem to apply here - finding it very hard to read people - are they just not interested in bringing someone new into their lives?  I am not giving up - just wanting to hear some other experiences.  (note - we are living in Cheltenham which doesn't seem to have an organized expat community).  I also realize that friendships don't happen overnight; they take time to develop.

Thanks for some insight!

Liz - you might wanna consider moving this post as I think it's something that's been an issue for many of us, not just those with kids?

Anyway, I also had a hell of a time making friends when I first moved here and in fact it took me quite a while to get over that.... I think one problem is age. I found that even in California, the older I got the harder it was to make new friends - people develop groups of friends and have long-standing friends and just don't go out of their way to make new ones; and they have jobs and kids and busy lives and fitting in new relationships can just require effort that they don't have time to make. The other thing to keep in mind is that a lot of British women are a lot more cautious in making friends - they're less inclined to just automatically want to be everyone's friend, and in some ways now that I've been here a while I can sort of understand that as not being such a bad thing....

But in the end there were a couple of things that helped me. Number one was this board and one other that I used to use. I managed to find a group of Americans living in my area and I really just hit it off with a couple of them. The other thing is to get as involved as you have time to with stuff in your area - take a class, spend a lot of time in the garden (once it warms up, that is!) and talk to your neighbours over the fence, if you have a day a week to volunteer or even get a part-time job you'll start meeting people.... I found that working at a crummy little retail job on my local high street opened up a whole new world - people say hello to me on the street now.... And you're very right about things not developing overnight - and you may have to meet a lot of people before you find one or two who you truly relate to, but it definitely will happen!

I take it your dh isn't English? I've got quite chummy with the wives of a couple of my husband's friends.

I think you'll find it difficult, if not nigh on impossible, to make friends if you are not working (you didnt mention whether or not you have a job, but im assuming you dont?).  I have lived in the UK for almost 20 years, and all of my friends here, I have met through work, or through my boyfriends/husbands over the years.

Maybe my memory is faded, but this is the way i made friends in California as well.   I dont really know of any other way!

My answer?  Very slowly.

I've been here a year and a half (and yes, I work) and I haven't made one single solitary friend.  Yes, I socialize with DH's friends and their wives/girlfriends, but I don't really want to be friends with any of the girls.  I'm friendly with the girls at work, and we do socialize, but it's work-related dinners and trips down the pub.  I wouldn't expect to be invited to a non-work outing with any of them and wouldn't think of inviting any of them over to my house.

I guess it just takes time.     Also, though, I'm not a terribly friendly person.  I don't like being around a lot of people as I find it tiring and kinda just prefer my own company.  So maybe people can sense that?

How about taking a class, like at a local college or s/thing?  I dunno - like Tracey, I met most people through work.  My husband's pals he's had for donks - since primary school.  With my daughter, my MIL takes her to playgroup at the church where my FIL works (MIL is retired but I work full-time) and so I met more people through there.  Good luck.

Also, though, I'm not a terribly friendly person.  I don't like being around a lot of people as I find it tiring and kinda just prefer my own company.  So maybe people can sense that?

Not meaning to hijack this thread or anything, but I SO know what you mean, Lola! I've got a few friends who I pal around with sometimes, and DH and I love to go out with our "couple friends" relatively often, but I'm sort of a loner 75% of the time.... I really like my own company and get sort of edgy if I don't get enough time to myself. DH worries about me not having enough company and I don't know if he believes me that I'm quite content with my handful of friends!

Try contacting the National Childbirth Trust: http://www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/nct-online/ and see if they have a postnatal support group near you. These are usually run as coffee mornings in people's houses for mothers and babies/toddlers and a good way to meet other mothers.

Well Im a school mom and I really thought it would be easy making friends down at the school yard but I was wrong. I think everyone was curious about me. They seemed to know everything about me before actually meeting me. Dont ask me how.
Well it took me nearly a year to break out of my shyness and just approach a group of ladies and just joined in their conversation. The welcomed me and we have all be friends since. When I look back now I think it was actually much easier to meet Brit friends than American ones in the States. I know not many will agree with me on that one but I think my Brit friends are more down to earth and honest than my American friends in the USA. They are always there when I need them. In fact when me, Frank and the kids were all stricken with the flu a few months ago all I had to do was call one of my friends and she took off work to bring us all 7 Up. I love my Brit friends.
My advice is...be assertive, put on a smiley face and they wont reject you.

When I look back now I think it was actually much easier to meet Brit friends than American ones in the States. I know not many will agree with me on that one but I think my Brit friends are more down to earth and honest than my American friends in the USA.

I agree with you, Pebbles. I think it is easier to make friends here than in the US. Don't get me wrong - I have wonderful friends back in the US, but I just found it easier making new ones over here. I don't have children and don't work, so you'd think it would be difficult, and I was initially a little worried. I found out that my community had a book club. I used to belong to one in the US, so was interested in joining. However, they already had 12 members and didn't want anymore. :-(  But the women who runs the book club gave me names of 3 or 4 other people she thought might be interested in joining a new book club. I just walked right up and knocked on their doors. My book club now has 10 members and we're all great friends. In addition, I've made friend with the "other" book club members and we ocasionally socialise. Maybe it's just the nature of the small, friendly community I live in, but I've found that people are more than willing to welcome newcomers.

I'm friendly with the girls at work, and we do socialize, but it's work-related dinners and trips down the pub.  I wouldn't expect to be invited to a non-work outing with any of them and wouldn't think of inviting any of them over to my house.

I'm not a terribly friendly person.  I don't like being around a lot of people as I find it tiring and kinda just prefer my own company. 

Lola... this is so true for me too!   I like to have 'friends', but i like to keep them at a distance, i suppose... i enjoy having someone to go to the pub with, or to eat lunch with at work, but that's pretty much my limit.    I once had to explain this to a lassie that seemed to desperately want to be my friend, and was constantly trying to arrange meet-ups, phone chats, etc... Im afraid i hurt her feelings, but i hope that someday she will realise it wasn't a reflection on her, but on me.   

(sorry for the slight hijack)

I appreciate your input and help in realizing this is just one of those "cultural differences".

HME --  Great Suggestion! will look into that tommorrow -- went to a 'baby and mom' workout class (2nd time) felt very old compared to the other moms but going back next week.

Pebbles --- you MUST be living my life --- SAME situation - everyone was curious; but hasn’t taken it any further.  Worried I might seem too assertive (or needy - 3 kids under 5 can look a bit busy at times).  Called 2 families today to set up playdates - tired of the "we should get together…." Small talk --- hoping to get the dates on the calendar.

Here are the demographics ---
-   Both DH and I are American.
-   3 kids - 5 yo (reception), 4yo (nursery) and almost 7 mos
-   I am stay at home mom (working is not an option at this time)
-   Mid-30's
-   Unfortunately, DH work isn't really an option for me to make friends
-   Living in the city sending the kids to "private" school (some of the classmates live more than 30 minutes from the school!)  Not going to change schools; just working with it!
-   Never had a problem making friends - figured I could make a friend ANYWHERE! (I was raised in the mid-west where you grow up talking about the weather and the corn-growing --- I can talk to anybody about anything!)

I had actually met some of my closest friends in the last 5 years thru the kids - other stay-at-home moms; lived in a community with lots of stay-at-home moms (and dad's who work long hours or travel)  - was so much easier there -- we were all looking for friends to fill the time.

Not giving up -- just nice to hear other perspectives!!! Thanks - It has helped brighten my lonely day!

I've made friends  at work,  but  most of my real friends I've met through my children.  Almost all of them actually. 
Do pin people down for playdates/coffee.  Accept any invite offered you.  Ask anyone remotely friendly round for coffee.  Be friendly to everyone at the school gates and keep talking to anyone who seems remotely friendly. Join,join,join-toddler groups/babyswim/gymtots and keep going back.  You will have   a few false starts,but stick with it.  You'll make friends but it will take determination on your  part.