Now you'll be able to translate what all those pesky HR people are really saying! (and how to bullsh*t them back!)
Job Descriptions (Translation)
- Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
- Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
- Nationally recognized leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
- Immediate opening: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
- Sales position requiring motivated self-starter: We're not going to supply you with leads, there's no base salary, and you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
- Self-motivated: Management won't answer questions.
- We offer great benefits: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
- Pension/retirement benefits: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
- Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard working, people:...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
- Casual work atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- Competitive environment: We have a lot of turnover.
- Exciting and professional work environment: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
- Join our dynamic team: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- Fun work environment: Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
- A drug-free work environment: We booze it up at company parties.
- Must be deadline oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
- Some public relations required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
- Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
- Salary range $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.
- A highly visible position: You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
- Flexible hours: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
- Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- Where employees feel valued: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
- Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.
- College degree preferred: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
- Career-minded: Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
- Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
- No phone calls please: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
- Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
- Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
- Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
- Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
- Ability to handle a heavy workload: You whine, you're fired.
- Aspirations for growth within our company: We loooooove brown-nosers.
- I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
- I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
- I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft Office.
- I'm honest, hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
- My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
- I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
- I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
- I have a sense of humor: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
- I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
- I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
- I'm extremely professional: I carry a Day-Timer.
- My background and skills match your requirements: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
- I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
- I am on the go: I'm never at my desk.
- I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
- I have formal training: I'm a college drop-out.
- I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
- Thank you for your time and consideration: Wait! Don't throw me away!
- I look forward to hearing from you soon: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career".
