Article in yesterday's Guardian magazine

Thought this might be of interest:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,1454070,00.html

To each his own, but I couldn't live like this.  They're only young once, and so are we.  All these people have big mortgages, cars, etc.  If that's what they want, fine.  But that kind of stuff just isn't worth hardly seeing my family.  I couldn't sell myself for an absent father who pays for me to live in a big house and have a lot of stuff.  It's just my opinion, though.

As they say, no one says on his deathbed, 'I should have spent more time at the office.' 

I wouldn't either but I was more interested in what it says about mothers carrying most of weight of the childcare & domestic chores even when both parents  are working (in paid employment)  or when the husband has free time.  It's nothing new but there seems to be a perception that men and women are more"equal" these days but as soon as a baby comes along couples revert to the traditional roles - that's what I understood the article to be saying anyway and I think there is something in that.

I know that the article focused on families with money, but I don't think it's limited to that.  Most women that I know do the lions' share at home as well as working full time.  Both my husband and I work full time but there's no prizes for guessing who cooks dinner every night and does the dishes and the laundry..............
It's not fair, but it's not going to change.  Women are now expected to 'have it all'.  Unfortunately that seems to mean 'doing it all'.  To the point of exhaustion.  

I couldn't sell myself for an absent father who pays for me to live in a big house and have a lot of stuff.  It's just my opinion, though.

As they say, no one says on his deathbed, 'I should have spent more time at the office.' 

This is such an important point, I agree completely.  The idea that work must come before children in order to provide for children is such a vicious circle.  Society seems so caught up in giving things to children, rather than what they need most of all which is time, that this cycle continues almost completely uninterrupted.  Most fathers would love to spend more time with their children but are petrified of not providing enough. There's the crux - what's "enough" ? Although every parent wants to provide the absolute best for their children, society must start trying to find a real balance between work and children.  As radical an idea it still seems to be, a father doesn't necessarily have to be the bread winner, and he doesn't automatically have the right to put his career above his family. Of course this kind of change in lifestyle poses challenges but definitely not insurmountable ones. For example a father who, perhaps, takes a pay cut in order to have a 20 minute commute instead of a two-hour one ends up with less cash at the end of the month but bountiful time with his children - which, in turn, is good for everyone in the family. Or a father who stays home while mom goes out to work.

Inequality in housework . . . does the debate ever end? Richard holds the viewpoint that women feel they have a sort of mandate in the house. This mandate puts men off doing housework as they feel unable to do it "right". I don't agree - actually I disagree heartily. There are some cleaning rules that just make sense whatever gender one happens to be. Not adhering to those rules can put the family at risk of disease. It seems to me the only reason women have more to say about housework is that, traditionally, we're the ones actually doing it and having it taught to us by our own mothers and so we have experience and insight.

I can completely relate with the women in the article who feel they are making the best of an inequal situation. This morning, after reading through the article, I tried to have a discussion about it with Richard but he was less than enthused. To him the debate is one-dimensional: he doesn't do enough/ do it right.  To me it's about finding a truly happy medium where we both feel we're contributing our fair share, but not more.  Personally, I've yet to find this happy medium, which is a bit depressing.

My mother always worked full-time, was involved in her church choir, raised three kids and did all the housework for a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with a pool.  The only thing my dad did was mow the lawn and when my brother got older, he started doing it.  My dad played golf on the weekends and watched tv at night.  I always remember how hard my mom worked to keep the house clean and to raise us along with not having any time for herself and I know that I would never want to be in a situation like that.  I'd rather be a single parent than have a husband who was lazy and didn't respect me enough to help with things if we are both working full time.  I have a couple of friends who are married, and I see it happening all over again now. 

Glad you posted this Britwife. I saw the article before I went to work (my sixth day in a row!) and couldn't wait to read it when I got home!

My long weeks have just started after a long job search and a patch of SAD that left me with no energy and a pigsty of a house.

The DH has been working roughly 5-6 days though let's be clear that most of those days are self-guided as he is a PhD student. However, he loves his work so I know he's in danger of becoming one of those work-obsessed men. That said, he's eager to start a family and is at least willing to figure out a way to divide the chores fairly.

So far he's more talk than action but I have to say I've been less than stellar myself. We BOTH need to be better about pulling our loads.

I know that I will do everything I can to ensure as equal a work-load for us as possible. And he knows it! I dont' really have issues with him regarding 'doing things right' - he's quite good when he actually does things.

What I do worry about is this notion that his days off are always HIS and he will sort them out as he sees fit. That's all fine and dandy now with no children and few visitors. We can live with mess and such when we want. But it will NOT fly when we have a family.

This could be fun! 

My husband is a stay at home father.  He does as much as he can around the house and we work as a team on chores.  I couldn't be w/a man who didn't pull his weight w/regards to child-rearing and housework, but we're both willing to forgo a lot of what many people feel pressured to have/own to feel they are providing enough for their children.  For example, we rent a 2 bed flat that is just a short commute from my work and later, from the bus to school; drive an older car; don't go out to eat or have holidays abroad, etc. 

Life is a trade off and it's what kind of trade-off you chose to make. 

The thing that struck me most about the article is that the women interviewed used terms like "accept my life"and "made a deal".  Not one used the word "happy" once.  I don't understand how someone can live like that and simply accept it.  To me, the most important thing a person can be in life is happy.  I'd rather be happy with little money than well-off and miserable.  I don't want to "have it all" - I have enough.  When did that stop being acceptable?