My Mom is very upset I'm moving to England

Ha Ha,

I have to tell you I love this site it makes me feel not so alone in my quest to become a wife of a "real brit" ha ha.  My mom hit the roof when she found out I was moving, she cried for weeks wouldn't talked to me.  I got the grandchildren speech as well, and every guilt trip known to man.  But you know she is coming around, I still get the occaisional jab about staying here.  The funny thing is you know what semi cured the bitterness and anger?  My future mother-in-law, ha ha you laugh but she did and she didn't even know it.  One Sunday about a month ago we were all on the phone discussing wedding plans the ins and out's of getting people there, the church the caterers all the good garbage when my very wise mother-in-law said, "Well the most important thing is that they love each other, and they do very much, so much that you can feel it radiate from them."  With that the tears dried up for the most part and the help really started coming in.  I happy and I think for the first time in a very long time (had a really rough 2005) I am truly truly happy.  I wish everyone luck, but I also wish for you to know that, no this isn't going to be easy for your loved ones but they might need that time to cry and sort out what they are about to experience and I think out of everything you allow them that time.

My mom did not know what to think when I told her I was moving to England. I am considered "the crazy one" in the family. I had already lived in London 10 years ago when I did a study abroad program and my mom told me that when I was a little girl I told her I was going to marry a British man- go figure! Ahhh the fantasies of youth. haha
So when I told her I met someone who lived in England I think she knew what was coming. I still get the occasional "are you sure you want to do this?" and the "what about my grandchildren?" trip but my parents love my fiance and the fact that he calls them and tells them how much he loves me doesn't hurt

Hi all,

Boy can i identify with everyone on here, believe it or not i am 35 years old with an 11 year old child of my own and a 13 year old child and at first when we broached the subject of going to England she was like really mad, thing is we dont speak of it that often now for the most part a passing comment here and there and she loves to try and guilt trip all of us, I even went as far as to say in front of everyone that if my daughter didnt want to go then we would stay right here in Virginia, thing is that my youngest ( 11 ) is ecstatic about the move and is counting down the days until we leave and just would like everyone to be happy like in the movies with going away parties and such. I agree with the others we have finally gotten down to the last part of the waiting (waiting on school to let out in june so not to uproot her here) The only sad note is that my oldest daughter will be staying behind with her father with whom she moved in with before any of this ever came up as an option and of course my mom used that as a major point by having her say things like..... how could you leave the US and be ruled by a queen.....or i cant believe you are gonna denounce your citizenship... Many hours of talking to her and showing her stuff on the internet regarding the similarities of having a president vs. a queen were virtually the same has helped her out immensely. I know im probably rambling and for that I apologize but its been extremeley difficult to be soo happy about something and try to hide as much of the details making you look all sneaky. But anyways thats my 2 cents worth.... good luck alll .. i seem to be having much more time now to post so if anyone just needs to talk.. i am here..

becky aka bex

My mom is furious. 

I told her in December this was a possibilty due to my husband's job.  She sort of blew it off.  Then she went on a cruise and when it became more of a reality I emailed her to tell her and she said, "Oh, ok.  Sounds nice." 
So then this week when it became really REAL - as in we are going June 1st -- she totally flipped out.  She said I "deceived" her because I didn't keep her abreast of every situation that has come about since December.  Then she said she doesn't even understand why we would go and I said "we are going because we can."  That conversation ended badly.
The next day I called her up to see if we were OK and she gave me the cold, "I'm fine."  I tried to talk to her about some other stuff and that somehow turned into a fight and then she started talking about being "deceived" again. 
Now we haven't talked since Friday.

It was actually comforting to read what others have written here.

Luckily, my mother really hasn't been all that weird about it.  Although, that's to my face. When she is alone wth my father she probably has some choice things to say.  I don't think it will be real to her until a few weeks before I leave.  My father will have a hard time, I know.  He has every time I've left.  They are both very close to my daughter, so of course the "can we send for Abbi during vacations?" was brought up.  I've no idea why they think that we wouldn't come back for a visit.  Abbi is very excited for this change.  I just hope family/friends don't try to turn her against it.

may I suggest a book? So far, it has helped:

"When you and your mother can't be friends: Resolving the most complicated relationship of your life"
by Victoria Secunda


My mom and I don't get along well and now I have a better idea why. She is not happy w/ me in England, but she was not happy with me in DC either (she is in PA).

I'm not assuming everyone has as many probs as I do w/ my mom, but if you have a hard time most of the time w/ her, this book might be helpful. Good luck!

I'm in DC and my mom is in PA also.  I can understand her being a little upset because it is no longer a 2 hour drive for both of us, but the lengths to which she is taking this is so absurd.  I tried to explain to her that it'll be an adventure for her also, but she just doesn't seem to get it.

I called this morning when I knew both my mom and dad would be home and neither one of them would pick up the phone.

I'm going to have to get this book.

You know, between cheap airfare (okay, more expensive than it was six years ago, but still cheap), cheap long distance, easy access to things like email and Skype...moving to the UK is a LOT less of a cutoff than moving from one coast to the other was just twenty years ago. Seriously.

When I moved from the South to New England in the late seventies, airfare home was over $500 roundtrip (and it was all I could do to scrape that up once a year), long distance was so expensive I talked to my mother maybe once a week. Other than that, we sent each other a card occasionally. And that traveled by truck.

Really, we live in marvelous times.

I had dinner with my family this past weekend - and there were no tears!  I'm not sure if my mother is coming to terms with things or has found a way to bottle stuff up.  I guess I'm ok with either - now to see how my husband's goodbye dinner goes in 3 weeks. 

Hedda - I know that you told your mother months ago that you were leaving, but maybe she'll start to come around in a little while.  Now that things are real.  It takes a lot of time for things to sink in with my mother, and as many times as I tell her things she doesn't believe me (or seem to remember me ever saying anything) until there is a date attached.  Good luck.

Chris's Mom is amazing she has been really supportive she said she misses us both and the children but she knows how happy we all are and she will visit us so that is wonderful, Chris's whole family are great witht he children and me I do wish in a way we where going over there but we want to give the boy's chance to finish there schools where they are much to the disgust of them all they want to move but I have a problem with my mother also filling my oldests head full of rubbish so this is what made us decide to stay here in the UK for the next 4/5 years and then reconsider the next move.

Chris loves the UK also that helps to and I think having 6 months here as a sort of holiday has helped before jumping in completely with a perm move here he has made friends and got to know the people at the schools.


But we can have some good holiday's back in the states.

Hedda, your mom's response must really add to the stress of moving--not that any of us needs more stress!  I think if you keep reminding her that you are happy about this move and going forward with it (not hitting her over the head with it, but staying firm in your resolve), she will come around to the idea. Or she'll get used to you being over there once you're over there. I think moms sometimes take these things very personally, but when she sees you making an effort to keep in close contact, she'll adjust. I hope I'm right.

Like Stoatula said,  whatwith flights and technology, distances have really closed up over th years. Things were so different when our parents were young. Such a move for them would have been almost inconceivable, so it's harder for them adjust to your decision.  Hang in there!

my dad is having a hard time of it.

i've lived with my folks all my life (complicated story involving the care of elderly relatives--i'm not a basement dwelling slacker, i swear!).

dad can't even walk into my room now that i've started to deconstruct it & give away furniture & ship things off to birmingham.

this kills me. 

My dad was 'disappointed' in me when I decided to move. He didn't come to the wedding (he'd already planned a visit to Germany that yr so couldn't afford to come to England too), and last year when I flew back for Thanksgiving he wasn't going to make the 3 hour drive to come visit. I think he expected me to beg him to come, and when I didn't he decided maybe he did want to see me of his own accord.  We didn't see each other much when I lived there, and he can see me easily once a year as I fly back every November. He is even welcome to visit us here, but I doubt that day will ever come to be honest.  I am tired of chasing this man to keep in touch with me.

From talking to my sister, he feels I have abandoned him. He is married, his wife is younger and in good health - odds are she will be the one to care for him til the end. The way he and I used to get on, one of us would have been dead by the first week anyway if he'd had to move into my house longterm. But I think he assumed as eldest daughter it would be me to take care of him if he falls ill, and I've taken that possibility away from him. He still calls to speak to the girls, but only when he knows I am at work. He won't reply to my e-mails and doesn't acknowledge gifts or cards. I suppose it could be worse, at least he's not ugly to me. It's more like I just don't exist to him anymore, which is a bizarre feeling.