Mixed Messages - it's a vent

I've been having a really hard time lately.  Robert and I have been so stressed and it's now having an impact on our relationship.  It's all because of his work. I've been trying to give him space to focus on what needs to be done with his company, but I just feel that he neglects me completely sometimes. He has changed our plans so much over the summer and last week was the last straw.  He cancelled my trip on the 24th and said it would be better for him to be here on Labor Day since he'll be able to take some time off.  Didn't bother to ask if it was convenient for me!  I can't take time off because I  have to fly out on the 7th to Seattle. So I blasted him and he got pissed and hung up on me.  We emailed a few days back and forth and during that time was the terror plot.  I told him I would never forgive myself if anything ever happend and we were mad at each other for something stupid.  He agreed and we moved on, or so I thought.

Last night he called me unexpectedly.  He said he needed to talk to me because he needs to feel more comfortable about us before he comes over?!  He said he needs a partner he can trust that will support him in his needy times?!  WTF?!  Apparently last week, when we had our argument it was a really bad day and he wanted to talk to me to lift his spirits and I'll quote him here "That was when you chose to throw all your toys out of the pram!"  PLEASE!  He never told me that it was a crap day!  How was I to know? 

He brought up all this stuff last night that I have NO idea where it came from!  I don't know who he thinks he's dating?!  It's not me he described.  He described some weepy, needy dependent person!  I know I have had my moments, the late spring was very emotional for me.  I made it through that on my own, I didn't ask, beg or plead with him to come over during the health things or expect him to be here if I was having surgery.  Not once have I pressured him on anything.  I'm NEVER sad on the phone with him.  I never go into how much I miss him or ANYTHING!  Then he tells me he knows I don't, and he appreciates that!  WTF?!?!   He just accused me of being that way. 

So I flat out asked him, Do you still love me?  Yes.  Do you still want a future together? Yes.  I told him that was nice to know since I wasn't sure what he wanted.  I'm not fighting for something you don't want, but I'm confused.  He said we needed to discuss our plans - NO sh*t! 

He then starts on me being dependent on him when I move over.  How it's important for me to work and contribute and have my own friends, etc.?  Again, I asked who he thought I was because I've never suggested, not even remotely, that I wouldn't work.  I would be there for 6 months to visit, if working wasn't important.  Also, I have taken GREAT steps in researching my options for an active life once I move. Joining this forum for one!  Making friends before I go, looking into clubs I can join and places I can volunteer.  He travels quite a bit for work, so I realize that I'll be on my own often and I'm preparing for that.  I reminded him that I was dependent once and then abused and I'm NOT going back there again!

When we hung up the phone we seemed okay, but I know we need to sit face to face.  I'm a bit confused about it all because he sends me mixed messages all the time.  I told him last night if he didn't want to be with me then say good-bye & good luck, because it feels as though he's pushing me away.  He said he didn't mean to make me feel that way and he is looking forward to seeing me in two weeks.  Honestly, I'm not getting my hopes up to see him.  He hasn't booked his flight yet so there is a very real possibility he won't come over.  Then I'm not sure what will happen.  I'm just confused and needed a little vent to people who have a little more understanding than my friends.  Who can't WAIT to tell me "I told you so!" :\\\'(

Aww mekaw - how crap for you!!  It's so hard to have arguments when you're not able to see each other face to face!  I won't try to guess what he was thinking but hopefully it's not as bad as you think based on the call.  Keep your spirits up if you can!

I think that often times when people make accusations that seem off the wall, they're actually the one guilty of what they're accusing you of. So perhaps the "neediness" was a projection of what he's feeling. It happens, I did it a couple of weeks ago, doh. The mind is a strange thing.

Good luck, I hope that you'll be able to iron things out. LDR's can be so tough, and more so when communication breaks down.

I have to second Leah here...could it be a case of projection?

My husband and I have been working through this recently...he'll make some off-the-wall statement that has nothing to do with me, and it will usually be that he's b*tching at me for how HE'S acting, only he hasn't conciously acknowledged his feelings enough to take responsibility for them. It sounds really confusing, but it does happen, and if you can both sit down and talk rationally (after you cool off) it can be worked through. Your SO bringing up dependency and neediness sounds a lot like that.

This sounds like the exact same conversation that DH (then fiancee) had when we were in an LDR.  He called me early one morning and accused me of not showing any interest in his life - I hadn't visited there yet - and how lonely he was and how unsympathetic I was toward him.  He got over it.  And we got over it (just celebrated our 17th anniversary).  Sometimes, perceptions are different than reality and once you are together, reality sets in and you can find normalcy.  LDR's are really difficult no matter how you slice it.

'How it's important for me to work and contribute and have my own friends, etc.? '

I dunno, but I'm always amazed at this attitude.  To me, it's akin to hired help.  'I have to keep myself, pay me own way, contribute, etc.' 

I mean, it's a relationship, not a roommate contract.

That would put me off, tbh.

I've been known to take something so small and trivial an totally blow it out of proportion.  And it's not something that Sam and I would argue about if we were together.  Normally deep down it comes from me missing her like crazy and being nervous about the move.  I always feel terrible after it's happened and I do apologize, but that doesn't stop it from happening again.  Maybe he doesn't know, or isn't comfortable with examining what is really bothering him.  Unfortunately you get to bear the brunt of it.  I hope you two can work it out.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Oh and the friends waiting to tell you I told you so....I've got some of those.  They just don't understand.  This forum is a God send.  It keeps me from wanting to kill them.

Thanks you guys...I was feeling pretty low this morning.  I'm feeling much better and seeing your words of wisdom makes me feel even better.

I think you are right about him projecting his neediness.  He's had a rough couple of months with work and I have tried to be as supportive as I can from 3,000 miles away, but if he doesn't share his feelings with me then how am I to know? When I speak to him, I can hear the stress in his voice and it worries me so much.  I know he needs me and I wish I was there to support him in person.

I know we need to see each other and everything will be fine, it always is.  I was just so put off last night.

I mean, it's a relationship, not a roommate contract.

  I know what you are saying.  We are two highly independent people in our mid-30s.  We are an oddity to each other really. Neither one of us has been married or has any kids.  We've only had ourselves to look after.  I'm pretty stubborn and set in my ways as he is and I guess since I've worked very hard to get where I am and someday I'll be leaving it all, I feel like for my own sanity I'll need to contribute to our life.  Don't get me wrong, most of the financial responsibility will fall on him, but I want earn my own income.   I want my own friends, because I want to have some stuff outside our relationship.  I want to create a new life with him, but have my own interests.  It's just odd to me that he knows this about me, but felt it necessary to say the opposite.  Strange man!

Kat - I totally agree about the forum.  It keeps me sane and has probably saved some of my friendships! I don't know what I would do without having this resource.  Just knowing how many of you have been through this helps immensely!
Thanks again!

I'm glad to see you are feeling better today. Long distance is tough, and  trying to make sense of each other's words from so far away is the worst. I've been there many times, where something will come out completely different than how we meant it to be.  I think once you two get together in person, you will be able to sort it all out and make things more clear! Good luck to you! 

Wow mekaw, that sounds rough.  I can't believe he used the "work and contribute" line.  From everything you've posted, the fact that you don't want to be his dependent is one of the major reasons that you aren't there already.  And, a truly needy person would have thrown an enormous fit every time he changed his plans or decided to go on adventures with his friends instead of coming to visit you.  I hope that you can work things out with him, and I really do hope that he shows up on Labor Day weekend. 

'How it's important for me to work and contribute and have my own friends, etc.? '

I dunno, but I'm always amazed at this attitude.  To me, it's akin to hired help.  'I have to keep myself, pay me own way, contribute, etc.' 

I mean, it's a relationship, not a roommate contract.

That would put me off, tbh.

I  agree with this..  We had  huge plans  of how  my independent lifestyle  was  somehow going to  transpose  and play itself out here.. How  I am qualified  and would find  work easily in my field  and we wouldn't struggle  bercause  we  both have  'good' jobs. PLus the fact that in the states I have  loads  of friends  and  organizations  I  belonged too.. blah blah.. well, life is what happenes  when you're planning something else.. Luckily for me DH has  NEVER said anything like that  before to me. Things didn't work out that easily for us, as I'm sure  others will tell you..  Like Expat said.. it's  a relationship. Sometimes  you're up  sometimes  he is.. but you have  to be  wiling and  able  to pick up the slack  if things aren't going the way  'you planned'.. hopefully you have  confidence  and patience  to deal  with things  not being  flowers and  sunshine and maybe someone  'needing' you more  or you needing them  to lean  on.. 

And, a truly needy person would have thrown an enormous fit every time he changed his plans or decided to go on adventures with his friends instead of coming to visit you.   

Thank you! I've reminded him of this point.

I agree with everything you all have said and I thank you for your support.  We haven't spoken since last Wednesday, and that was planned, we are most likely catching up today or tomorrow.  I honestly don't even want to discuss this with him until he is here and we can talk face to face.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll be here.  I'm pretty confident we can work through this.  I think we need to sit and discuss our plans/goals for the future and how we are going to accomplish them and a realistic timeline.  Can you tell I'm a planner? 

Thanks again ladies!