Leaving teenagers behind

Hi guys...

After a year and a half of traveling back and forth across the ocean I am getting close to a permanent move to the UK this summer. The thing is...I have five children altogether (three teenagers and 3 1/2 year-old twins!) and I am finding that I may have to leave my teenage daughter behind, which I wasn't planning on. I stayed at home with my three oldest until they were all school age, and I have stayed at home with the twins the past few years, and we're all really close. My oldest is a freshman in college...so he isn't really a "concern" as far as the move. My next son will be a senior next year and he would love to come with me, but for educational purposes we finally found ourselves leaning towards him staying here and having my mom stay here in our home with him so he can finish out his last year. (Though this isn't set in stone yet either.)This will be hard for me, but not any more so than saying goodbye to my oldest when he went off to college because I left high school after my junior year and entered the university on early admissions, so it doesn't seem like I am "abandoning" him. Plus he is really responsible and "mature." The "problem" I am having is with my daughter. She isn't sure what she wants to do now! Their dad lives five hours from here and she definitely doesn't want to move with him (but he is close enough for any real emergency etc. which is another reason I am not too worried about leaving my son behind) but now she has voiced that she might want to stay here in her home (my mom, who lives just minutes from us and is close to the kids would stay here and rent out her home) and finish out high school with all her friends. It felt differently to me with my son mostly because he only has one more year...and he is older and also (I hope this doesn't sound too archaic)because he is a boy. My daughter will be 15 in June, and while she is fun and lively, she is not "angry" or defiant, so I don't worry about her giving my mom a hard time or anything. It is just the thought of her being here for 3 years without me! Seems like a lifetime. Although, our long-range plan has us moving back here at some point...and I will keep our home here so long "visits" will be easy for us. I mean, she still hasn't made up her mind...I'm just already trying to prepare for this and see how it feels.

So, I was hoping to hear from other parents who have left teenagers in the states with another parent or relative while they moved.  Thanks for letting me vent my concerns!

Warmly, geally

Hi Geally
I left you a message about this on your introduction thread. Has your daughter had the opportunity to visit England? That may help with her decision. My son’s first month long visit was enough to help validate his decision to stay with his dad. Is it the perfect arrangement for him? No. He tells me that it’s not like it was living with me (he was 2 when his father and I separated/divorced). I allowed him to be an active participant in the decision making process. Not sure if that was right or wrong. I can tell you that for me, there is a big absence in my life without him with me. My mom instinct kicks into high gear when he is sick and he tells me, “Mom, no one takes care of me as well as you do.” Or when I see him and he hasn’t been using face wash for pimples! (I guess that’s a little off topic!) Well, I guess there is a myriad of things that go on in his life that I am missing. Is it tough? YOU BET IT IS. But, I know that there are others who have experienced the same and have survived. My son is surviving, and so am I. I know that your thoughts are probably racing on what the right thing to do is. Just trust your instincts – no matter what they are. Talk with your daughter and really discuss the “what if” scenarios – how would she feel/handle them, etc. Do the same with yourself.
Keep us posted!

I know this can be a tough decision for everyone involved.  Just recently my son returned to live in the US after spending nearly five years here with me in the UK.  He never fully adjusted to living in the UK and wanted to return home.  Unfortunately, things didn't work out so that he could permanently reside in the US (the ex is a real work of art), so he's back with me again.

If I were in your shoes, the one thing that would concern me would be schooling.  Students over here take something called GCSE's during the school years that they are 14-15 and 15-16.  In a normal school, that's two years of intensive studying in their chosen subjects.  In the last year, they will sit their GCSE final exams, which can ultimately determine whether you can progress on to A-Levels (a higher form of education).  After A-Levels, you could then progress to university.

Based upon the age of your daughter, she would be entering the second year of GCSE studies (at the start of the next school year) if she were to move to the UK.  This would mean that she would miss one full year of GCSE work.  And make no mistake about it, there can be huge differences in class work between the two countries.

Of course, there are ways around the two-year GCSE studies.  Rather than going to normal school, your daughter could go to a local college and take one-year GCSE courses.  This wouldn't be in a 'normal' school, but a more adult one, almost similar to a community college in the States.  This is the route my son will take because he has missed parts of the two-year GCSE studies that he would receive in a normal school.

My gut reaction to your situation would be to allow your daughter to remain because of the schooling situation.  It may end up being easier on her in the long run to stay in the US.  But, I recognise that every situation is different, and it could be that she would benefit from an education in the UK.

I'd highly suggest that you do a search on the net about GCSE's and difference between American and UK education, just so you and your daughter are fully informed and can make the best decision for you both.

Good luck!

Thanks for both of your input! The differences in the school set-up is the main reason my older son will be staying here. I didn't realize it would start as early and affect my daughter. I will definitely check it out more. In fact I was planning on contacting the local school when I am in the UK next month.

It is so hard...I even understand what you meant about the pimple medication! My fiance has a good job, and he has two children from a previous marriage that he sends child support to also. They live in Europe, so it isn't as hard for him to fly and visit from the UK as it would be from the USA. So, for now it is best if I move.

I've just been so used to being the main emotional support for my kids...what a transition!

Thanks again for sharing your experiences!