So true but yet so funny! hehehehe
Dear Kids,
Subject: Bath
Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap
and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself
to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work then I've got
energy for.
(Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time
you want to see if play-doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory.
While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The
large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear
my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I am on the
other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the
border, no matter what I said awhile ago. I didn't mean. Hones.
There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. Later
means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet and contemplating
bubblegum in the blow dryer.
I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them
be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to
add gum to your hair.
Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom
door will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a
message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need
to write the message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your
brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone-number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between
the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano
with a basketball. I can, also, hear you tattling at the top of your
lungs. I'm choosing not to hear you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom. He didn't appreciate it the last time. He won't appreciate
it this time. Trust me.
No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.
I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to play. No, you can't to Shelby's house to use the
bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to
think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do
not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does
it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked.
Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my
attention.
I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where
people don't like to sit in the tub while rocks and broken glass rain
in on them.
Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies are:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red firetruck in front of our house.
Emergencies are not:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.
One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper
for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little
white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to
clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my
sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, O.K.? No, I don't want
to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in
the pool of water you missed. (P.S. All play-doh experiments are
canceled.)
Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time.
Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.
I'l be out soon...Maybe.
Love, Mom
This one is for all the parents. Ever notice how things need to
spelled out for them?
