My side of the story (gents help me out please!)

P.S. SomedayInTheUK - I'm still waiting for my ipod! Now that we are buying a flat, it seems like a washing machine is more important!

Well, clean clothes are probably more important than boredom on the tube, right? 

And as for the topic, this is going to sound really harsh but:

I'm 23, so I'm not trying to pretend that I'm old and wise and know everything, but from what I can see from how you two are airing your problems on a website with this "he said/she said" type thing, both seeking validation from people you don't know that will fit exactly what you want to hear sounds really immature. You're not going to find it here, and I really doubt anyone will side with either of you to put either of you in the right to satisfy this strange need for validation.

You both need to figure out where your priorities lie, because moving between countries isn't something that is easily undone. Once one or the other of you moves to the other's country, you'll virtually be stuck there (if finances are this tight) and it will be very difficult to leave if you become unhappy.

If he doesn't know what you two need to save for, then take the initiative and make a spreadsheet with potential expenses you're going to have during this move. Send it to him. Otherwise, he may never know if you don't TELL him.

And with the many cheaper phone services that people have offered up, Richard, you didn't even reply to. You virtually ignored them like you didn't accept them as an option. If phoning her is so costly and that is your excuse to not talk to her very often, then use one of the aforementioned services which are significantly cheaper than regular phone calls. Then you will have no excuse not to call her more often, unless you just plain don't want to.

That's all I'll say.

This topic is locked for now, it might be cleaned up and reopened tomorrow to give the OP a chance to get some men's opinions as well as he asked.

<global mod hat on>

This thread has been cleaned up and now reopened, so please stay on topic and save the insults for PMs or other forums.  A few things to note:

1. This forum's most active members are women.  We have very few active men.
2. If someone doesn't get your point, there's rarely any sense in belabouring it.
3. Insulting members is one of the quickest ways to get a topic closed.

Please bear the above in mind before posting.

</global mod hat off>

I'm 23, so I'm not trying to pretend that I'm old and wise

I'd say for 23, you are very wise and mature indeed.   

Excellent post.

Ok you want a males opinion on this so here goes but I am not positive you will like what I have to say but if nothing else I hope you find it unbiased and at least balanced.  Let us start on a positive yes I agree you need to get on with your life it is important that you both continue to enjoy your lives and remain the same people that each other fell in love with.  Feeling like you have to stop doing things you love for a relationship can add a bad feeling that if you want it to work as a long distance relationship and then maybe a marriage will just make things tougher.  But,

You do need to go out of your way to make your partner know that there is nothing else in the world you want more than this relationship to work you just need some outlets for your sanity.  You need to not only know that you love her but tell her and show her, let her know the things you are giving up and tell her about how much you have saved.  Women are emotional and men especially many british men will hide their feelings behind a wall or bury themselves in a tight schedule just to make things easier.  Ladies we do hurt we just dont think we should show it. 

If you truely love her you will sit down and take a moment to think about other things that you can do to help things along and sort things out.  It doesn't mean giving up your dreams it just means adding to them.

Both of you the art of any kind of relationship is trying to make your partner happy spend some time thinking about the best ways to do that.  Everything else will work itself out.

Just thought I'd make a suggestion to help make communication easier... you say talking on the phone is costly, why don't you both invest in a Webcam that has a microphone and talk over the internet? They aren't all that expensive (they would probably save you money in the long run) and I can't tell you how connected it makes you feel. Not only can you hear each other's voices but you can see each other as well. My Mom and I have been using them since I've been in England and it's been a huge help.

The webcam I have is about 50-60 pounds but there are cheaper ones.

I'm 23, so I'm not trying to pretend that I'm old and wise and know everything, but from what I can see from how you two are airing your problems on a website with this "he said/she said" type thing, both seeking validation from people you don't know that will fit exactly what you want to hear sounds really immature. You're not going to find it here, and I really doubt anyone will side with either of you to put either of you in the right to satisfy this strange need for validation.

I'm only 24 but I totally agree.

Another cheap way to stay in contact is 1899.com  they are only 1p a min to the states and we have been with them awhile without a problem!

That's the kind of thing my husband would use to call me - we would talk for hours and the cost was never a concern.

I'd use these when calling him in the UK:
http://www.nobelcom.com/nobelcom/jsp/productselection/productselection.jsp?from_country=1&to_country=289&x=67&y=20
They're a safe and reliable company from my experience. You can get hours of talk time for only $20. Not bad.

Obviously, there are plenty of more affordable options to stay in touch these days.

Just to add another Male reply..

I can only speak from pesonal experiences, I hope you can find some comparisons with your own situation.

When Molly and I became official we both sacrificed alot of things to be able to speak to each other quite regularly, we talked about what we both wanted in life, what we expected from each other and what we felt about the situation we were in.  This helped us both because we knew that we wanted the same thing and how we wanted to achieve it.

Everything did seem to move quite fast and I think somewhere at the back of my mind there was a seed of doubt saying "Are you sure this is what you want?".  This made me want to try and distance myself a little, but I knew it was what i wanted.

I'm wondering if that is the stage which you are at?  I'm not saying it is, I only mention it as I see from your post a few things i would do to avoid certain subjects and facing some truths, having doubts and questions is quite normal.

Long distance relationships are hard, the longest time we were apart is four and a half months.  The problem is if you aren't around someone for a signifant length of time your everyday life tends to take over, and it's easy to forget what you have with the person waiting for you a few thousands miles away.  Talking regularly helps to maintain the bond you both have, and give you the chance discuss things which are on your mind.

This was over 6 years ago now, the best 6 years I have ever had, I am thankful we both wanted and fought for what have, it is worth the sacrifices, I promise.

Good Luck to the both of you, I hope you both manage to find what you are after.

Simon

Just throwing in my two cents.

I've just made the leap over the pond after 1 1/2 years of long distance.  I think what really worked for us was that during one of our earliest holidays together (probably month 2) we sat down and came up with some "ground rules".  We both knew that we loved each other, but the reality was that for it to work, it would take time and money.  It sounds horribly systematic but i think having a framework kept us sane (relatively), feeling loved and ultimately together during the apart time.

They may not work for all (depending on finances/ schedules, etc) but at least talking about goals and your committment to each other and what you need to feel loved is really important.  

Our "ground rules" were the following:

1.  Never go more than 6-8 weeks without seeing each other in person
2. Always have the tickets for the following holiday booked before taking a holiday to see one another (was helpful when departing at the airport to know that on the X of X month we would be meeting again at an airport)
3. touch base everyday (email or text).  This didn't mean lenghty conversations (well they were in the first few months) but just letting the other person know what you were up to that day with work, life, family, friends, etc.  Some times it was just one or two emails other days if we were having slow work days it was dozens
4. Sunday night phone call.  We alternated who made the call and both used low cost calling plans.  These were ususally about an hour long
5. If ever anyone had issues, concerns, fears, they had to tell the other person

Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Oh and one last thing... register for frequent flyer miles.  It was tough and expensive the first year and a half flying every other month, but i earned enough miles over the time to qualify for elite status (so i get to jump the line now and get upgrades) but more importantly get to fly back to the states for thanksgiving for 39 quid.

Well, clean clothes are probably more important than boredom on the tube, right? 

And as for the topic, this is going to sound really harsh but:

I'm 23, so I'm not trying to pretend that I'm old and wise and know everything, but from what I can see from how you two are airing your problems on a website with this "he said/she said" type thing, both seeking validation from people you don't know that will fit exactly what you want to hear sounds really immature. You're not going to find it here, and I really doubt anyone will side with either of you to put either of you in the right to satisfy this strange need for validation.

I agree with this.  I believe that this forum is a great place for advise and to discuss problems, concerns and issues with people who have been in similar situations.

But once this crosses the line to a situation where both parties argue and criticize each other publicly about their very personal issues on a public forum, to me it detects much deeper issues and insecurities.  Long distance relationships require trust, not validation from people/strangers on a forum. 

"Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level." - Dr. Joyce Brothers

There's been some good advice here about inexpensive ways to communicate and strategies for determining what your common goals are.  If you want your relationship to work, hopefully you can work together, try some of them and see what is right for you.

I genuinely wish both of you the best.   

As for a way to communicate, I am using Vonage (of course, you have to have a broadband hook-up).  It is free for me to call England (and my family all over the USA) and I have a virtual number out of DB's town so if he calls me, it costs him almost nothing, just regular in town calling fees.  I pay about $34 a month and that is with taxes and such. At first, we used Skype, but, his internet connection was terrible and it caused all kinds of headaches (lost connections and such).  Seriously, Vonage has been great and has saved me loads of money on my phone bill.

Just to add another Male reply..

When Molly and I became official we both sacrificed alot of things to be able to speak to each other quite regularly, we talked about what we both wanted in life, what we expected from each other and what we felt about the situation we were in.  This helped us both because we knew that we wanted the same thing and how we wanted to achieve it.

My fiance and I (well before we were engaged) spoke several times about these issues. I agree with what others have said that long distance relationships tend to work if you live similar lives. I think this goes along with similar backgrounds, morals, values, etc. that make two people compatible in the first place.

We have been together for over two years and are getting married in April. This has been the toughest challenge I have ever faced. However, we have never gone a day without speaking to each other. We send letters, cards, e-mails, videos...all sorts of things to show each other how much we care and to make the process easier. We both sacrifice a lot and we are NEVER shy about telling each other how we feel.

I do think it's important to have a life when you are apart. I've joined a gym and I'm taking a French class...nothing crazy (i must sound like a total nerd), but it's a way for me to re-direct my anxiety and sadness. Both have really helped and it's actually made our conversation more interesting!

I really believe that if it's meant to be, everything will fall into place. My fiance and I don't have to work at having similar lives or making similar sacrifices, that's just the way we are. I hope that makes sense. Best of luck!