Any Widowers?

I'm new to the site and not sure if this is where I should post this.  My boyfriend is in the UK and I live in the states.  We were together 15 years ago, but broke up because he didn't want to move here and his family/friends wouldn't accept me there.  I was too young and insecure to fight against that.  We both moved on and he married.  His wife died last September after a lifelong struggle with cystic fibrosis.  They did not have the great romance that we did, but he loved her very much.  We had stayed friends all the years we were apart and about a year before she passed, we became more than just friends.  We never saw each other but started talking about a life together someday.

He came to visit in December.  All along we had planned that he would move here.  Now he's telling me he can't leave his family.  Not surprising with the loss he just went through.  However, he is falling apart.  Consummed with guilt for surviving and feeling guilty for being with someone so soon.  I love him with all my heart and know that he loves me.  I have agreed that I will move to England to be with him.  We're not kids anymore.  We only have a few years to have a family that we both want very much.  I am scared that we are moving too quickly and it might end up causing our relationship to end.

I've never experienced the kind of guilt he's going through.  I can't appreciate the intensity of what he is feeling.  I also fear that things might not work out if I do move as the adjustment will be hard enough, never mind all the guilt.

Anyone gone through anything remotely similar?  I am flying out to see him next week as I fear for his sanity.  He has said that he fears this trip will make or break us.  I'm not sure what to do.  Any advice?

I'm sorry that I can't help you in so far as comparasion as I am not a widower, but I think we might have had a few around.  I do know that we also have our share of people that were separated by the years and wound up togther.  Hopefully some of them will post soon.
Regardless I just wanted to let you know that he does need time to sort things out, but that does not mean that you do not have a future together.  If you are so worried about him have you thought about perhaps some grief counselling to help him through the guilt?  I  know many people don't like the idea but sometimes talking to someone helps.  There are also lots of books out there for those going through grief and for people around them.  

I honestly think that for him to commit to you he needs to be as emotionally sound as he can be.  You after all deserve that.  I of course say this not knowing your full story or either of you so just take it as such.

Regardless I wish you all the best and send hugs your way!

Hi...I have no practical advice to give because I have never been in your situation before, but I just wanted to wish you good luck on this visit. If you are honest with yourselves, and honest and respectful with eachother, then everything will be fine, whatever happens. I am sure it will be wonderful for him to have you there while he regains his "bearings." Take care.

 Iam sorry too ,that like the others girls have told you,I have never been in your shoes before.I do wish you the best of luck,and like to offer you a (((Hug)))

 All the best
     Rhia

Thank you so much for the support.  You guys really are a great group of people.  Even though you haven't been in this situation, your word of comfort have helped.  I'm still not sure if I'm flying out the day after tomorrow.  I'm hoping to talk to him in the morning (well middle of the night in the US).  If I do go, it's not going to be a fun trip, but maybe it will lead me to understanding what he's going through better and to giving him the time that he needs.  Thanks.

I'm sorry I am just now seeing this post, Marie. No, I don't have experience either, but I wanted to offer some *hugs*.

You mentioned he was feeling some guilt. I know this is a very common emotion, one of the stages a survivor goes through. I think the first is anger. It's probably true you two are heading into something too fast. He does need to go through the grieving process. I think he turned to you because you could offer help without...hmmm, possibly because of the distance between you, he felt there wouldn't be complications. Now it could be he's feeling slightly "adulterous". I would keep an emotional distance. Be his friend, want good things to happen for him. But don't cloud things with emotions. You have time. Be there for him to help him heal slowly. If you rush to put a bandaid on it, the scars will all still be there underneath.

Anyway, this is what it sounds like to me, seeing it all from a distance. What you might want to do is read about grieving, the stages of surviving someone's death. It may help you to understand his rollercoaster of emotions.

Marie13...
How did your trip to the UK go?