Not only do I need to travel to the US to apply, I need to set up a personal interview, and provide them with a bunch of documents that just don't exist. The simple instructions don't apply, in my case. Off the top of my head, they want:
The usual ID, but also adoption records, marriage certificates
Tax returns going back to 1984
Official proof of residence, for every address, since 1972*
School records from 1972
A written explanation as to why I wasn't in the US, for every year from 1972
A police record check
*This is impossible. As in, such documents do not exist. (Even if I had old mail from all the places I've lived, that's not good enough. I lived under a pseudonym for a few years, too, which doesn't help.) So, no way to get the number. I've spoken to the Seattle office and one in Livermore, CA, and they both tell me 'no'. I managed to gather most of the other stuff.
So, I gave up. Anyhow, going to a nice jail in the States is my retirement plan! I highly doubt they'll take me, though.