Never expected this was going to be so hard...

I met my English boyfriend last April when he was visiting NYC. After communicating via text messages and phone calls, I booked my first trip to England for 17 May 2007. We had such an amazing long weekend together and I ended up visiting again the next weekend. After that short time, I knew I had fallen for him and that I wanted nothing other than to be with him.
He visited me in NYC in June and July, and then I came over in August and again in September. I was held up a bit in September by the IO. She didn't like the idea that I had left my job and my apartment in NYC. I was travelling with friends at the time and I had a return ticket to Florida for November. She finally let me through, but said that I would have a problem if I ever tried to come back again.
So knowing that I wasn't doing anything wrong, working, etc. I booked a trip back for 13 Dec. I booked it with the return for 19 Feb, tomorrow , thinking that if stopped again at Immigration, two months out looked better than assuming they would let me in for 6 months. I had absolutely no problem and wasn't even questioned when coming through in Dec. Many have said that I indeed got lucky...
Now after finding this website and reading post after post, I realize that I am not alone. There are several others going through similar situations. What I am having a hard time with is how completely screwed up the whole system is. It seems that clearance into the UK is based on however lucky you get at Immigration and whether or not the IO woke up on the right side of the bed. 
Now I am heading back to the US and really don't know when I will be able to return. My bf is going to come over for a visit at some point, but this is yet to be determined. I was going to come back in April, but now I am worried about getting bounced since I don't have a job to return to and I don't have a lease or mortgage tying me to the US. My 'stuff' is at my parents home and it looks like that is where I will be until we figure out a long-term plan. The trip back in April would have given us a little more time before we apply for a fiancee visa. I don't want to jeopordize our future together and from the feedback I have received on this site, it seems like I should wait a bit longer and have a proper visa before I return.
I never imagined that it would be this difficult to be with the person you love. I am a mess right now and so very emotional. It looks like the LDR will begin again tomorrow. I am trying to be positive and look at the short term things like seeing friends and family in the US, but the unknown in the long term is just hard to deal with.
 

It's soo soo hard. The things that I think help me and my boyfriend get through it are :

1. We both use webcams and we them often, just about everyday. It makes such a difference that even being so far away, I can still see his sweet face everyday. Even if we're both doing other things, reading or watching a movie. We try to keep the cameras on as much as possible just to feel connected.

2. We always have our next visit together planned before the current visit ends. It helps having a light at the end of the tunnel even if that tunnel is 3-4 months long.

Even still, given all that, the first week after a visit still feels devastingly lonely. But reading all the success stories on here has definitely eased the occassional hopeless feelings that do arise.

Thanks for your suggestions, Julesie. The webcam definitely kept us going the times we were apart before...such a great invention.  I am trying to be strong, and just keep telling myself it will all work out. I just wish there was something I could do to get back into the country without forcing a fiancee visa, sigh. 

Go back to school with me!  We can be the old...  I mean odd ones out together!   

You know where to find me.

Yeah, we had the same view on the fiancee visa at first, didn't want to get married cause we had to, but kinda knew that it would probably come to that. But after time and more visits we decided we wanted to get married even if we didn't have to. I'm going to be spending the summer over there with him so we can get a better feel for being together long term. But it is nice having that clear final goal in sight for the end of the year.

Mr. Moggs did every single visit leading up to my move.  I had never even stepped foot in the UK before I came here with my spousal visa.  I don't regret doing it that way at all.  Yes, I could have spent a lot more time with him if I came here, but we had received advice to not have me visit and risk getting bounced (and lying would look bad for my settlement if we went that route).

Hang in there.  It's a tough road in some ways.  A lot of us have been there.

A lot of us have been there.  And yes, it's really hard.  Having an end date or a goal can help, but can increase anticipation.  I'm really sorry.  It does and will get better.  The first few days apart are best taken one at a time.  Good luck! 

Thanks for all of your feedback. It really helps knowing that you all have gone through similar situations and understand what I am feeling. It is difficult to try to explain it to my friends at home and I just don't feel like talking about it all the time to everyone I speak to on the phone. This website is amazing.  I really appreciate all of the advice.

I never expected it to be so hard too. It's a tough life choosing to be with someone who is from so far away, there is so much more compromise. It's also a great thing because you have experiences, and learn about things, you never would have done otherwise. I'd still be dreaming about visiting Europe, and because of this relationship I've been to England 4 times and made it to Ireland too!

The first week after returning home is the worst, but hang in there. We have loads of success stories on here and some excellent support. (((hugs)))

There are lots of people on here who gone through the same thing you are and have made it so you'll have loads of support here.  Good luck!

I'll go along with both of Julesie's points.

I'd not had a webcam before, just 2 weeks after "meeting" DF online last April I was getting one and it was great that we could chat like that.
Fairly soon I had a trip planned for Aug/Sept and we knew if things went well with that then I'd be visiting for Thanksgiving. Whilst there in Nov we made plans for her to visit in Jan. And before that was over a visit was planned for me in May.
In fact now we seem sorted
Me to US in May
DF coming here in July
and then getting married in Sept.

I guess as both of us have had a LDR before, and both in our 40's, we didn't want it to just go on as a LDR for ages.....we were even discussing that before our first "real life" meeting.

But it is hard....knowing what we are working towards makes it so much easier though.

and then getting married in Sept.

I guess as both of us have had a LDR before, and both in our 40's, we didn't want it to just go on as a LDR for ages.....we were even discussing that before our first "real life" meeting.

But it is hard....knowing what we are working towards makes it so much easier though.

That's great that you both have it all planned out so you don't have to deal with a long-term LDR.  Best wishes with everything. 

Whats to stop you taking a mini vacation together non us, non uk? Just something to break up the monotony from now till your next uk visit?

Whats to stop you taking a mini vacation together non us, non uk? Just something to break up the monotony from now till your next uk visit?

That is a great idea!
Thanks for the replies everyone. I am enjoying my time in NYC with my friends and trying to just take it one day at a time. My boyfriend isn't the best communicator (he blames it on the fact that he is British), so we are working on that. We are also trying to sort out our next visit together.