I just don't know anymore

As many of you know I broke things off with Adam almost a month ago. We're on friendly terms but at first I just couldn't speak to him. It just made me feel worse and I thought it didn't let him realize what he really had lost. Well we didn't talk for awhile and he left me an offline message saying he missed me so missing him also I decided It would be okie to just speak as friends until I couldn't take it anymore. I've reached that point but to be honest it just hurts more not speaking to him and when we weren't speaking I couldn't stop thinking about him.

The last few days I can't stop wondering if I made a huge mistake. I love him dearly and I understand he's just not ready to get married next year. You can't force someone to marry you and why would you want too? I sure as hell don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do or isn't ready for. I of course wish he was ready to take that next step but he's just not. At first I wasn't willing to wait for him to be as I've waited 6 years but the longer we've been apart and the more I miss him the more I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake and I've given up way too fast on someone I truely love and thought I'd be with for forever.

I don't want to look back a year from now, 5 years from now or even 10 years from now and wonder why I gave up so soon on what we had and wonder what could have been. I've been with him since I was 17 and he's the only man I've pictured as the father of my children, as my husband, as the man sitting next too me on the porch when were 70yo.

I just think I've made a horrible mistake...I gave up way too fast. But am I willing to wait another 5 years? Who even says he'll ever want to get married?...Am I willing too continue on with an LDR that constantly tears at my heart? Am I willing to put myself through more pain? Being apart is painful but being together even though were not TOGETHER is painful also but which is more painful and which can my heart bare?

I just don't know anymore.  :\\\'(

Advice is welcomed...thank you.



Also, I think even wondering if I've made a mistake means I did. If I was 100% sure about my decision I wouldn't be wondering if I made a terrible mistake.

First of all, big hugs to you, my dear.  It's a tough decision, and you know only you can make it for yourself.  But, for what it's worth, my two cents.  Most of us on here have been in a long distance relationship at some point or another.  I myself have, and was at wits end at one point as well, and I didn't even wait as long as you did.  In retrospect (and I've been thinking a lot about this lately), prior to getting engaged I was at a crossroads and a near-breaking point myself.  I think I might have broken off the relationship on the grounds that the distance was too hard to bear, but I think ultimately I would have come back to the same place you have:   life totally apart is much harder than life physically apart from a loved one.  Is it the commitment issue itself, or just the distance that's getting you down?  If the distance, have you considered applying to settle here as an unmarried partner?  If you've been together for 6 years, I would have thought it was a possibility, although you'd have to consult someone knowledgeable like Vicky. 

If the distance, have you considered applying to settle here as an unmarried partner?  If you've been together for 6 years, I would have thought it was a possibility, although you'd have to consult someone knowledgeable like Vicky. 

That's not an option in this case, as Penguin and Adam haven't lived together in a relationship akin to marriage for two years.

I think what you're going through is natural, Penguin.  After ending a relationship, you're bound to doubt yourself and wonder if you did the right thing.  Only you know what's right for you, and you'll have to do something thinking about how long you're willing to wait for Adam.  It might be a good idea to take some time to yourself and just "be" -- you've been with him since you were very young, so maybe it's time to see what else is out there.  That doesn't mean you'll never get back together, but it might make that decision easier if you've both had some time and distance (emotional as well as physical) to evaluate what you both really want out of your relationship.

In a situation like this, where one partner is holding back a bit, I think the ball is in their court.  As you say, you can't make him marry you....he needs to decide what he wants and either make it work with you or give you the freedom to move on with your life.

Seems a bit of a catch-22 in that case, doesn't it?  You can't live together unless you get the visa which you can't get unless you live together....

Thank you. Um...It's both actually. His lack of wanting to make the full commitment and the LDR. I think him not wanting to make that commitment right now just makes me feel like OMG this thing is never gonna end! I'm going to be in an LDR for forever. The distance does make you heart grow fonder but after 6 years it just feels like it's ripping us apart more than anything especially when you go a year inbetween visits. I think it would be alot easier if I could see him 2 times a year like we did the first year he came here but we just haven't been able to afford that lately. Then he didn't have bills...now he does and visa-versa.

I didn't know you could do an unmarried partner visa...thought that was for gay couples or have previously lived together. I would assume someone without a degree or a "career" wouldn't qualify. I'm planning on taking my prerequisites for nursing school then attending but that's like 3 years away.

That's not an option in this case, as E and A haven't lived together in a relationship akin to marriage for two years.

Yeah, I didn't think so. Thanks Lola

Seems a bit of a catch-22 in that case, doesn't it?  You can't live together unless you get the visa which you can't get unless you live together....

very much so

I had problems with a LDR with an ex (my first love) several years back. He started using me as a backburner,he'd say all the right things and we'd make plans, then he would say he was unsure, then changed his mind and said the right things again, it went on and on. And eventually we ended. It was so hard to be friends afterwards because it hurt so much not to be able to say those 3 words to him when we spoke, And as you said, it hurt even worse not talking to him at all. Bit I/we choose the latter. It took a few years but I got over him.

Maybe a bit of time apart is what you two need. Help get your heads sorted and figure out what you really need and want

In a situation like this, where one partner is holding back a bit, I think the ball is in their court.  As you say, you can't make him marry you....he needs to decide what he wants and either make it work with you or give you the freedom to move on with your life.

That's good advice.  Ericka, it's really hard being so unsure but yeah, you don't want something that may be forced no matter how much you want it.  This break might be what both of you need and things may get back to where you hoped or you'll have more clarity on what you really want.  But for now, what's important is you and your happiness and maybe take this time to figure out what you want out of life and do what you need to get there.  Sometimes being in a relationship can cause you to put things in your life on hold while you're dreaming of a future with them.  We all want that special person to share our lives with and hopefully live happily everafter.  But, put yourself first and if things are meant to be with Adam then you both will know.   Big hugs!!

As someone who has been through something similar, I can honestly say that Lola's and kdvirgo's advice is spot on.  DH wasn't sure he wanted to get married because he was at a crossroads in his life with his career and didn't feel settled.  And it is a big decision.  So, I basically told him that the ball was in his court, that I was here if he wanted me but that I wouldn't wait forever.  It gutted me because I was pretty sure we would be over.  It turns out that he couldn't imagine life without me and here we are.  Give Adam some time and space because this is something that he has to work out on his own and in his own time.  I know it is hard and that the uncertainty is heartbreaking, but, the best thing that you can do is to give him space and ensure that he gives you space as well.  But, please, put yourself first for awhile.  If you do that, you will be an even stronger person who is even more secure in who she is and what she wants out of life.  That is the best way to start a marriage whether it is to Adam or someone else.  Make sure you take of yourself.  Hugs!

I can't really add more than the good advice already here, but I think a lot of us have been in LDRs and have experienced the crossroads / breaking point thing. You aren't alone.

Maybe it's just part of the process where you have to look after yourself and allow yourselves the time to think through some very serious things.

Be kind to yourself.

I also have felt like that before, and we were only an LDR for a year. I can't imagine 6 years. You're both still pretty young, so it's possible that given more time it may work out, but I also think the question to ask is if it's so important to be together, can one of you try going to school in the other country to get experience that way? You say you want nursing school, maybe that will be the time to test it out? I don't want to be negative, but at the same time, after six years shouldn't you both be more certain and ready to just be together and end the LDR part of your relationship? My boyfriend and I didn't want to marry before living in the same country either, it's a big adjustment and we want to be sure, so I completely understand that part.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, breakups are always hard and since you have only really been with Adam, you don't really have anything to compare it to. If you do decide to just end it, then I've found that no communication helps the most.

ETA: I've always second guessed an ending to a relationship until I had moved on, it's completely normal. (((hugs)))

I agree with everyone, take some time to reflect and think about the relationship.  Think long and hard about everything and how much you both would get out of the relationship if you were to go back together.  It can be really tough to tear yourself away and think about it, but its probably something that needs doing.  6 years is a long time and you were young when you got together.  But only you know how your relationship is and how well it will actually work if you get back together.  Think about all the struggles with visas and actually getting to be near each other. Weigh everything.  If its meant to be, it will happen naturally and it will just feel right.

There's been a lot of good advice given.  I don't really have much advice, as maybe a different perspective on a couple of points you've raised:

-Regret.  Yes, you may regret not giving Adam another chance, but you might not even realise what you may miss out on by giving him another chance.  Even if you don't get into an exclusive relationship, LDRs by their nature isolate the participants, at least in my experience.  This is hard to manage even in relationships where both participants are working towards the goal of being together in person.

Even if you don't formally resume an exclusive relationship, you may shut out the possibility for a more fulfilling relationship because you feel an obligation to Adam.  While I think things generally work out the way they're supposed to in existing relationships, I don't think that's always the case in relationships that never are started or are stunted early in their development.  You might end up regretting never persuing other relationships if the one between you and Adam doesn't work out.

What I am trying to say is, regret is not always predictable.  Avoidance of regret isn't a good reason to stay with someone.

-What you want vs. what he wants I am not sure what Adam wants because I don't know the full story on this one.  From your post you clearly want marriage, kids, and a lifelong partner.  They are your needs.  You can't get these needs met without Adam having similar wants and needs even if he isn't 100% sure he wants to marry, have kids, and be a lifelong partner with you.  If it's not in his nature to want this, then it probably will never be.  This is about the only direct advice I am going to give you.  If he doesn't have the same goals in life you do, especially when it comes to family and marriage, you are wasting your time or setting yourself up for colossal heartbreak.  The heartbreak you feel now will be minuscule compared to what you may potentially feel when you've sacrificed your core needs and goals for someone. 

But if Adam does have those same life goals, why the caution?  Is it because he feels he's too young or because he is afraid your relationship is too untested?  Or something else? 

Did you give him an ultimatum?  Like make some commitment to our future or I am leaving you?  I hope you do not feel guilty about that.  That isn't forcing him to do something unless there was manipulation involved.  If you were assertive and not aggressive or passive aggressive, then there is nothing to feel guilty about.  I am hoping for the strength for you to stand by this ultimatum if you gave it.  Healthy people usually don't use them unless there is good reason, and it's not forcing anyone to do anything.  You are getting your needs met while respecting Adam's rights.  He does not have the right to expect you to wait forever for him. 

-Being friends with people you were once involved with I've never seen this work out without someone being hurt or there being some sort of weird uncomfortableness going on.  I think it also helps delay dealing with the loss of the relationship.  Sometimes, when there are kids involved, you have to at least attempt to make this happen, but it's a weird area.  Personally, the only time I've seen it sort of work with people I know is with my best friend and her ex who ended up dating a man after her.  Still, when you see the two of them together at parties or whatever, there's a lot of negative tension.  When she complains about him, it's the same stuff she complained about when they were dating.  But they are civil together and social.  I don't think they turn to each other for support or advice though.  I think a big chunk of what makes a friendship worth maintaining is missing for them.  But if you asked them, they'd probably say that they are still good friends.

I thought I had cracked this problem with my ex, but Mr. Moggs got upset that we still talked occasionally.  When it came down to it, the friendship with the ex wasn't worth even a little bit of uncomfortableness on Mr. Moggs' part, so I ended it.  "We can still be friends" usually has the best of intentions, but even when said in sincerity is a very hard road to go down.  But who knows, maybe with the geographical distance, it might work in your case.

-You miss him  This is only natural.  Whatever you decide, I am hoping for the best for you.

so he dosent want to be commited? if thats the case then I dont think you should wait..6 years is long enough to make a deision where this is going.


anyways I sorta feel your pain hope you work things out, usually you know whats best for you... *hugs*