I won't let her be forgotten

I'm choking back my tears because I'm so upset and so frustrated. The 2nd Anniversary of my sisters death is fast approaching (Nov 14) and what would have been her 23rd Birthday is on November 9th.

Last year we had a huge Birthday Celebration with people who came from other states, her friends drove down from other towns and cities and it was lovely! We had a huge BBQ and a very lovely birthday cake with a beautiful fairy on it. On the day of the anniversary we didn't do anything...we went to the crash site and left flowers and balloons and stood around for a few then went home and went about our day. It's a day we don't want to recognize so we don't do much.

I've been posting on myspace trying to get opinions from her friends, our family and my friends regarding what we should do. My mom kept telling me we'd plan something and everytime I try to talk to her about it the subject is quickly changed to something else. Today, I asked her what we were doing and she said "I just want to do something private this year...just us"...my immediate reaction/explosion was "No, you want to do nothing...I guarantee you'll be in that same spot on your laptop like you normally are every single day!" Then she looked at me and I said "EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN!" and burst into tears and she said "I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING WITH JUST US...Plus I don't have the money to do a big thing" ...I repeated what I said about her sitting in the same spot on her laptop and bet money on it and she hasn't said anything since.

I can guarantee we won't do anything. She comes home, gets on her couch, turns on her laptop and that's the end of it. It's her escape understabley but I don't want my sister to be forgotten!!!!! That's my worst fear is that people will move on and forget all about her and how much she meant to everyone. I understand people move on and they have lives but you know...once a year to celebrate a birthday and get together with her friends and her family isn't something that should be "scheduled" into you calender.

I feel like my worst fear is coming true. I understand money is tight but...we don't have to have lots of money to get a gathering of people at the cemetery or at the crash site to remember her!!!

 :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'(

Turtle, I'm so sorry for your loss. All I can offer, besides hugs and sympathy, is that I'm sure you know that people grieve and cope and handle things in different ways. That doesn't always mean it is the healthiest way or the right way, but it's how they get by. Maybe you should arrange something yourself - post something on Myspace or send out emails/texts letting people know where to meet if they would like to go - nothing that has to cost you money or have any or much preparation. Of course that risk is that not as many people as you may hope will show up. Don't let that get you down - you do what you feel you need to and give others the chance to join you or do their own thing.

xx

P.S. Don't worry about holding back the tears. Sometimes you need a good cry to let the emotions out. They'll come out sooner or later.

((((((((((E)))))))))), I don't know what it's like to lose a sister, but I have lost grandparents and I can completely understand the feeling of not wanting the person to be forgotten.

It's great that you, family, and friends were able to have a big birthday bash for her last year. I can tell how much it meant to you. Just because you can't do something similar this year, does not mean they have forgotten her.

There are lots of little ways to keep her memory alive that don't involve a party, and might get more participation from out of state people, too. You could volunteer to speak to high schools and colleges about the dangers of drinking and driving, you could phone in a dedication to the radio, the computer wallpaper you had was a great idea, you could ask people to make a donation to a charity in her name...

Like chi said, and I'm sure you know, everyone deals with tragedy differently. I cannot even begin to fathom how your mom must be feeling to have lost a daughter so young. Even if she does just sit on her laptop all day, I'm sure she'll be thinking of your sister the whole time and I don't think you should make her feel guilty about it.

I hope you're able to reach a compromise and find a way for people to honor your sister's memory in whichever way is best for them.

Honey, no....

I know right now you are in a world of grief and I can sympathise. I lost my stepbrother in a car crash in 1995 - on the same day my brother got married. But if I can promise you anything it's this...she will never, ever be forgotten to those that loved her. James is still as vivid in my memory as the last day I saw him alive. Every memory is still fresh...even that funny laugh of his. Yes, people will move on with their lives but that does not mean they are forgetting the ones they love. In the hearts of those that loved her she will always be there holding a special place.

I know you are hurting so much right now but your sister will not be forgotten, I promise you that.

Hugs to you Ericka. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose someone so close. I think the advice given is right though, people all grieve in different ways. Some people just push it all down inside and try to keep it there. I know doesn't probably help at all, but it's their way and it doesn't mean they don't feel the loss in their own private way. I think you need to celebrate your sister's life and her birthday in a way that feels right for you. If it's not a huge get together, don't let that make it harder for you and don't be hard on her friends or your family if they don't participate. Belita has some great ideas for other ways to honor her memory. What about a web page where others can leave their thoughts and remember the good times? I know you are good with computers so just a thought. Again, sending you lots of hugs as you head in to a really rough time of year.  

Honey, no....

I know right now you are in a world of grief and I can sympathise. I lost my stepbrother in a car crash in 1995 - on the same day my brother got married. But if I can promise you anything it's this...she will never, ever be forgotten to those that loved her. James is still as vivid in my memory as the last day I saw him alive. Every memory is still fresh...even that funny laugh of his. Yes, people will move on with their lives but that does not mean they are forgetting the ones they love. In the hearts of those that loved her she will always be there holding a special place.

I know you are hurting so much right now but your sister will not be forgotten, I promise you that.

Well said. 

I know what it's like to lose a sister.  I lost my only sister in 1989, and will not forget her.  I cannot.  Living or not, I can't imagine forgetting my loved ones.

We don't do anything special to commemorate her, but I know we all still remember her in our own ways.