Just needing to vent

I have been so frustrated lately. I'm trying to plan my trip over to England to see my boyfriend. I'm working all the time to save up money to see him and all its doing is causing problems between us. He gets upset because I'm not around to talk to much because im always work. But if i didn't work I couldn't afford to go see him.

Then when we do get to talk it just turns into one big fight. I haven't bought my ticket yet and im supposed to leave in December. But I don't know how long I will be able to stay for. He is worried that if I stay too long (thinking of 4 months) i won't get in because Immigration will think I'm up to something for staying so long, or they will think I won't have enough money. I don't have a lot of money, but I only need money for food. So i don't see the big deal. But he makes everything so complicated. I know he is just looking out for us. But its really annoying.

I ask him what he thinks I should do and he says he cant answer it. He said its my money so its my choice. I ask when he wants me to leave, he says its my choice. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I try to talk to him about stuff and it turns into a fight. He said he fights with me because he misses me.....does that make sense to anyone else?

I just want to go spend time with my boyfriend like a normal couple can. I hate being so far away and having to do everything on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm single. No one understands what I'm going through. I feel so alone most of the time. Its hard for him to open up, so i don't get much help there.

And then the jealousy thing pops up now and again. I don't know how to handle that sometimes either. Lately I keep noticing new girls on his myspace and stuff like that. I trust him when he says they are friends. But they are a lot closer to visit then I am. And I'm sure the temptation is there because I am in another country, I mean how would I find out?

I thought about going over for a month and if things are good then just changing my flight. But I'm sure that would cost me a lot more money. Has anyone changed their flights before?

If anyone has any advice about any of this it would be helpful. I just feel so lost sometimes. This was the only place I could think of to go to for help.

Here's my 2p for what it's worth....

Why don't you book a trip over for a more reasonable amount of time (like a couple of weeks), then if things are going great, change your flight? If you book your return ticket 4 months out and things go from bad to worse, then you will need to change your flight anyways.

Staying with someone for 4 months as a guest can be pretty stressful. You can't work, you probably won't have a car to drive, you are 100% reliant on him, and this can be stressful to someone. I know if I were going to go visit my BF for 4 months with very little money and no job or friends there, I would be bored out of my mind. I also know my BF would be really worried that I'm having a good time. You do need money for food, but if you want to do anything or go anywhere, you're going to need money and England isn't cheap. Perhaps he's worried about supporting you for 4 months? Maybe he's worried, like you, that you're fighting a lot and things won't go well when you're there. And the idea that you might book a trip for 4 months is putting a lot of pressure on him and it sounds to me like deep down it's pressuring you too.

Personally, it sounds to me like he's fighting with you because he doesn't know how to express what he's really feeling. I think he's right to be concerned about immigration. Do you have a job to return to in the US? People do get bumped for not having enough money or ties to the US, so he's not really being that unreasonable.

I guess I would maybe think about taking things a bit more cautiously. If you really do want to stay for a long time and are concerned about getting rejected at immigration, perhaps you should explore a 6 month visitor visa as an option.

Don't worry honey, you're not alone

I actually have a fairly similar situation. Although we are now engaged (as of Aug) I had to do long distance with my boyfriend. It's really hard. Plain and simple. If you are having trouble communicating at the same time, try emailing when it's convenient and set "dates" to talk live phone/online. Send each other snail mail. Email each other songs that remind you of them. It's hard, but there are little ways to feel like a "real" couple (I know you are a real couple, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way when you're long-distance)

As for visiting, I say set your trip for a lesser amount of time. Maybe 6 or 8 weeks. That should give you enough time to shorten or extend your trip without huge additional fees. Most airlines will only charge you a small amount to change your flight dates if do it far enough in advance. A shorter trip will also make it easier to get through immigration. I went to England for 3 months this summer and was lucky not to be asked too many questions. I'm a student and don't have much money so my situation could have looked a bit sketchy.
Just check with your airline about their policy for changing dates, it should be on their website.

Try to stay positive. Missing each other will make you both sad and grouchy and while you can't stop missing each other, try and focus on the things you love. Daydream about your trip in December, you'll have a wonderful time!

xx

I ask him what he thinks I should do and he says he cant answer it. He said its my money so its my choice. I ask when he wants me to leave, he says its my choice.

Nienna, this is going to sound bad, but i think it needs to be asked.
Are you 100% sure that he is as 'into' this relationship as you are?
Cos some of what you've written... like the bit i quoted above... sounds like he's not really interested.

I had a similar situation as well, though I did stay there for 3 months, I am really glad I did and things worked out well, we were at that point though, where it was make or break time, we had visited back and forth several times each.

Every single time before I went over there we would manage to get in spats, it is a nervous situation especially if you are going over for a lengthy time and men worry over money I think it's just how it is.

I don't know your situation and only you and he can judge how you feel about each other. It wouldn't hurt to make sure that the time frame and the finances are what is appropriate.

I will say this though, it has been a long ass slog for both my DF and I , more than once through the 7+ years we have been going through this we broke up, but we could never manage to stay away. Right now I am 100% positive that we will last til we are both doddering and grey.

LDR's are freaking HARD!!! hard hard hard, no two ways about it.

My DF and I had a similar thing, he wanted me to work and get money to make trips etc, but hated never seeing me, he has the same feelings, it's my money and he can't tell me what to do with it. As far as how long to stay we went back and forth on that eventually I just had to set a time frame and he said fine.

If this is your first time meeting each other, I think it is too long, if it isn't... then it may be fine.

I am not much the jealous kind and my DF's personality is such that I never suspected him of cheating, but I got the other end of that. I have a lot of guy friends and I don't keep them secret but I had to put up with grief!!! If you can't trust him... that could be a problem even if it is you and not him. If it's the other way around and you really think he is faithfully challenged that could definitely be a problem.

I can give you understanding and let you know you are not the only person going through this. As far as advice goes tho, I think that the situation is something you have to trust your gut on, as well as your head... sometimes the heart can get in the way of making rational decisions, and your boyfriends difficulty with input could be insecurity or a myriad of other issues... you will have to find a way to approach the subject that will not turn into an argument. Remember the I feel's and the I think's and I really want to know what you think about this and just make sure not to say you you you, ya don't want him on the defensive.

Nienna, this is going to sound bad, but i think it needs to be asked.
Are you 100% sure that he is as 'into' this relationship as you are?
Cos some of what you've written... like the bit i quoted above... sounds like he's not really interested.

I was thinking something similar.  I think you guys need to communicate better first of all.  And it needs to be something you are doing *together*--planning, etc.  Why isn't he taking more responsibility?  Why is it all, "it's your money, it's your choice"? 

I was thinking something similar.  I think you guys need to communicate better first of all.  And it needs to be something you are doing *together*--planning, etc.  Why isn't he taking more responsibility?  Why is it all, "it's your money, it's your choice"? 

I don't know if he is not that interested or being passive aggressive. Either way, I think you need to communicate better.

first....thanks to everyone that replied. its good to know I'm not alone sometimes.

the other night we had a huge "fight" and well things couldn't be better. we got it all out. i hate to admit it sometimes but i like a good argument. sometimes i think i cant say what I'm thinking because i get scared. but if we are already arguing about something i just let go. he said that he has been talking to people and they have been putting doubts in his head. just because of the distance and all the paperwork that will go into being able to live togeter. and all the stress of me coming over and what if i don't get in.

sowe talked about everything and decided that I'm gonna stay until the end of January. that would give us about 6 weeks together. and if things are good and we want to change the flight he said he will help out with the money so its not all on me. i told him it wasn't about the money but its good to know he is willing to help.

and to my shock when i got home from work on monday there was a dozen roses waiting for me. the card said "thanks for putting up with me, see you soon". i told him i was so shocked because he is never good with surprises.

so of course i felt a lot better about things. and then today was my day off and someone knocked on the door. and it was the delivery guy with ANOTHER dozen roses. this time the card said "hows this for a surprise?"

he has never been good about opening up, but he really did the other night. maybe things are gonna change for the better. we get so caught up in working and stuff that we forget about how happy we are when we are together. its hard living a separate life. he has his friends and his job and his apartment. and then i have my own stuff going on. i guess we just needed a good talk to get everything out in the open.

so thank you all for replying. i know things aren't perfect but they are a lot better then they were.

That's great to hear!!

Having a (constructive) argument and getting things out in the open can really help, just make sure you keep up the open communication!

I'm happy things are going better for you two  Two dozen roses?! I'm jealous! haha

2 dozen roses in a couple of days?!
that's more than i've had in a lifetime! 

If you have the funds available and are happy traveling alone, what about using him as a base, but heading off and doing some exploring around the UK while you're here? That would take the pressure off the 24/7 togetherness, as well as giving you a great holiday.

How ever long you wind up staying, I hope you have a great time! 

That is really awesome! and fantastic and reminiscent of what I have gone through with my DF over the last 7+ years =)

I am really happy for you and again I will state LDR's are fek hard as hell, but when they work ... well my opinion is that I know with my sugar it's gonna be for life cause if we can get through what we have been through already then nothing will part us =D

Yep, me and my ex had these "everything's going to be alright!" moments over and over again,just like yours. Exactly like yours. And they weren't. We thought we'd be great and fine and forever too. Sorry but you still have a long way to go before knowing if it's all just going to turn out to ashes or not. I would never again do what you are doing and what I did. Never.

We've had some moments like this, too.   It's really hard when your schedules don't line up and you can't be in touch a whole lot.   We also usually have an argument just before and after travel, maybe due to stress.   But once I realized that was a pattern related to travel and not subject matter, it became less of an issue.

just remember that if you can't do everything together, you're going to be miserable.  You have to be able to communicate and do it well.  Make that your priority, always.  Everything else will fall into place.

Glad to hear that things worked out after the big discussion. It's always nice to clear the air no matter what the outcome is.

I say go for it! You'll never no what happens if you don't put yourself out there. Like Chary said, you can always spend the time here doing some traveling around the UK.