Marital- Need serious advice on a tricky situation

I really don't like airing my personal business so openly but I need good advice from anyone who can offer it.

I'm newly married now for a little over 7 months..  And I've been back in the UK for a little over a month which I've been struggling trying to cope with the reality that my home is here. I've also very recently started working which has helped with my adjusting. Now I'm facing a situation that I'm just not sure how to deal with.

My husband has 2 small boys from his last marriage which last year was his and their first year celebrating birthdays and holidays however, the arrangement that he and his ex came up with is that he goes to the house they use to share together ( which is literally about a 3 in walk from where we live) to do birthdays and Christmas....  I told my husband that last year I felt I had to stay quiet given how uncomfortable it made me because it was the first year that they were going through birthdays etc since he left his ex wife. Now that we are married I'm wanting to desperately have some kind of structure that works for everyone. Which I explained to my husband that I dont feel comfortable with him going over to the home they use to share for birthdays, Christmas etc... His oldest sons birthday past which my husband did go over before he went off to work to give him his gift which I understand. We do have a great relationship until it comes his kids. Should I suggest anything or express an oponion he gets upset or very defensive.  When I suggested that this year for Christmas why not have his boys come over and they can open the gifts we get them here which he instantly got stand offish and said yea maybe we'll see.... Which means more then likely it won't happen. Then there's the situation where his ex wife still has packages delivered to my husbands job for her dance school that she runs. When I told my husband that I really don't like that and don't see why she can't have them delivered to her house or her dance school he says well it's easier this way and when she comes to pick up the packages sometimes she brings his youngest so he can see him.  Also because his car isn't working at the moment depending on the activity, his ex wife will come pick him up and take him to wherever he's going for his boys.  Basically I'm trying to find the best way to handle the situation but to also not bring any personal issues with my adjusting here I'm the mix.

We do love each other loads and I don't want to be made out as the bad guy or control freak...... I guess I just want to feel like we have stability and we both are happy.

This is hard.  Would I be bothered if I was in your shoes?  Absolutely.  But I don't think you should be.  He divorced her and married you.  I think the fact that they are still friendly, is a VERY good thing.  The kids NEED that.  I think the packages being delivered to his office is a non-issue.  You need to pick your battles.

I hope you can talk to your husband about your insecurity with his relationship with his ex.  Hopefully he can make you feel better about your relationship with him so that you don't feel threatened.  Would you ever be comfortable in befriending her?  You don't have to be best friends, but if you could be friendly it could reduce the awkwardness of holidays/events.

I think if you could be comfortable on Christmas, it would truly be best for the kids.  Otherwise, you risk being the person that split their family apart even more, which could lead to both the kids and your husband resenting you...

It's a hard situation.  I don't envy you.  I hope you can find a solution as it is amazing for the kids that their parents come together for their sakes on special days.

KFDancer posted before me and I agree with all of her points.


When I read your post, I can't help but think you are being a little bit unfair to your husband. You've been married for 7 months and most of that time you've been living in the US. Is this your first marriage?

You've just made 3 HUGE changes in your life.
1. You've moved countries. As you've said, you are very much outside your comfort zone.
2. You've moved in with your husband. (Im assuming this is the first time you've lived with him)
3. You've become an instant co-parent of young children.

I know you've already discussed the first one, so I won't go any further with that.

As to moving in with your husband. Did the two of you talk about what you thought life was going to be like? I know I had an adjustment period to living with my Brit when I first got here but we discussed absolutely everything we could think of before I moved from my debt (student loans and CC) to how clean we both like the house to be to what kinds of foods we'd cook/eat and did we want children. Since your husband is already a father, that's a bit of a moot point. Kids are a part of the package. Did you discuss his involvement with the kids, or what your relationship with them would be like?

You said you've had issue with the birthday/Christmas arrangement since it began last year. Have you thought through why exactly it bothers you? I can think of numerous things it could be, but only you know why it's an issue.

How often does he get to see his kids? You haven't mentioned what sort of custody they have, which would give us a better sense of how often he sees the kids and how spending the birthdays/Christmas at his ex's fits in. As to his ex having things delivered to his work, it is a little bit strange, but if he doesn't get to see his kids all that often I'm sure seeing the youngest when the ex picks up a package is HUGE for him.

Does your husband have a good working relationship with his ex? They are no longer in a romantic relationship, but they share children and they do have to work together in that. Kids are a lot of work and it helps to have good communication so you can have similar rules across the board, etc.

Basically, my advice is to think through and figure out why exactly these things bother you so you can have a calm, well thought out discussion with your husband. That's just my 2 pence.

Thank you kfdancer and lyonaria...  I do agree with what you both are saying which I know it sounds like I'm the crazy jealous person but truly I'm not. 

They don't have a legal custody arrangement,  they agreed between themselves which is good they could,  that my husband sees them 2 times during the week more if he wanted since they live so close and he also has them for the weekend in meaning spending the evening.  I have no issues what so ever in meeting with his ex but she does not want to meet me at all...  I have lived with my husband before for 5 months which during that time their kids were allowed to come over to see me every now and then. Before I came back we did speak constantly of everything under the sun and especially the arrangement with their kids which we both basically had a plan that we agreed on to which he was feeling very confident that his ex wife wouldn't change the already existing visiting /custody schedule. When it comes to going on vacations, she will allow my husband to take them for a couple of days as long as I'm not there..

I'm just feeling because she didn't want the divorce (which is a very long story)  the only link she has to my husband is thru their children.  Which is making me angry as I see her using them as pawns but because whenever I suggest or comment about their children he gets very defensive so I haven't said anything. I don't want to have a strain on the relationship with the children and my husband but I also don't want to feel such like an outsider...

Well Nessa, after reading your posts, it really looks like your husband has a nightmare of an ex-wife! She sounds like the supreme puppetmaster to me and your husband is letting her pull all the strings and not really taking your feelings into account at all as she has used the kids as pawns to keep him under her thumb. 

To only "allow" your husband to see "his" kids at "her" house and then when she feels like it, to "allow" the kids to come over to your house or go on vacation only with your husband and not with you!? How is that a "good and fair" agreement?
He goes over there for the kids birthdays/christmas and you are left sitting at home twiddling your thumbs all alone? Not good, not good at all. Not a good way to spend the next 10-20 years of holidays...
Not too mention using your husband's place of work to have her packages delivered when she has her own place of work that packages could be delivered to? Huh? She is able to do this because your husband allows her and she dangles the off-chance of seeing his son so he will let this continue.
You are not in a good situation and the big red flags are all over the place about this, his ex not wanting to meet you, not allowing the kids to go on vacation with you, not really allowing the kids to come to your house, insisting on the father to visit the kids at her house on birthdays/holidays, as it is supposed to "better for the kids".... How can any of this be good for the kids, the father and you? It is working out great for her though!

I really wish you the very best of luck with all of this, I hope you and your husband are able to get this worked out so it is best for all of you, not just the ex-wife!

Thank you Stephanie303.... My thoughts exactly,  I think it's easier for me to see the red flags because I've been made such an outsider looking in.  I just don't know what to do as this is my first and will only be marriage and my husband has made it absolutely clear he will not go through another divorce..  We both want this to work as best as possible I just don't know how to make this situation work without causing the hefty arguments and fights.

Thank you kfdancer and lyonaria...  I do agree with what you both are saying which I know it sounds like I'm the crazy jealous person but truly I'm not. 

They don't have a legal custody arrangement,  they agreed between themselves which is good they could,  that my husband sees them 2 times during the week more if he wanted since they live so close and he also has them for the weekend in meaning spending the evening.  I have no issues what so ever in meeting with his ex but she does not want to meet me at all...  I have lived with my husband before for 5 months which during that time their kids were allowed to come over to see me every now and then. Before I came back we did speak constantly of everything under the sun and especially the arrangement with their kids which we both basically had a plan that we agreed on to which he was feeling very confident that his ex wife wouldn't change the already existing visiting /custody schedule. When it comes to going on vacations, she will allow my husband to take them for a couple of days as long as I'm not there..

I'm just feeling because she didn't want the divorce (which is a very long story)  the only link she has to my husband is thru their children.  Which is making me angry as I see her using them as pawns but because whenever I suggest or comment about their children he gets very defensive so I haven't said anything. I don't want to have a strain on the relationship with the children and my husband but I also don't want to feel such like an outsider...

This really helps paint a better picture for me of how things are working in your lives.

It sounds like there's jealousy on the ex's side along the lines of, he's moved on and he's happy with someone new. You don't know where she's at in her life, maybe things aren't going so well.  The ex may also be worried that her kids will "like you better than her." Which would cause issues as well.

The fact that she's put an ultimatum of no holidays with their dad if you're there is a bit much. You are his wife, it's not like you're the new girlfriend in a string of short term relationships. It sounds like your husband may need to have a conversation with his ex if she is unwilling to have one with the three of you.

To be fair to the ex, since you two had a long distance relationship, she wouldn't have had the chance to meet you or see the kids interact with you like she would have been able to with someone who is from the UK. I'm not excusing her behaviour, I'm just saying she may have her reasons. It will probably take some time for her to come around.

I know I love Christmas and the holiday holds so many great memories for me as a kid. Since this is the first year for this new family dynamic, maybe figure out a way so you and your husband and the ex can both get what you want. Is Christmas day the "big day" for one of you and Christmas Eve more important to the other? Then the kids can spend some time with both of their parents at different times. Or maybe you can create something fun just for your new family?  I don't think it would be fair to you for your husband to leave you home at Christmas while he spends time with the kids.

Thank you guys....  Ugh I guess it's going to lead to more arguments. Like I said the hubby gets defensive pretty quickly when it comes to me speaking about his children.  I'm not sure why as I always start the approach soft and as sweet as I can...  I've even been able to help him realize some of what she is doing as another example, over the summer she took their kids on vaca out of the country for about 10 days which she informed my husband of that only a couple of days prior anyways....  When she returned,  instead of taking their children to see my husband or telling him when he can come over to see them she took them over to her mom's house and spent the night.  Normally I can be calm but this put me in a rage and I spoke with my husband about how he has to put his foot down...  He tells me often that he tries not to rock the boat because she has the say over the boys.. I'm really feeling its time that this be taken into a judges hands where they can establish a better custody arrangement.. My husband has said he would be worried to go to court as they would grant her most of the rights but I don't believe that.  He makes sure to pay his child support every month and anything else that's needed.. And it's clear he's trying very hard to be a huge part in their lives.. Thank you guys for hearing me out.

Hi Nessa, If the situation is left as it is, it will only get worse down the road.  What happens with his visitation when/if she gets into a new relationship? What happens if you and your husband have children?

Your husband has to get to court and get visitation/custody rights, because, as fuzzy wuzzy it sounds to not go to court to arrange custody/visitation, sadly, this is usually the outcome. 
I feel bad for you, it is a hard situation you are in and sounds like you are handling it the best you can, but he has got to get to court, there should be no reason why he would not get visitation/joint custody.
 Not sure how it works over here, but your husband has to get the information he needs so he knows that he has and will get legal rights to see his kids as, to be honest, his ex sounds childish and spiteful and will surely turn around at some point in the near or far future and just decide to stop letting him see his kids, just because she can!

Yes I agree Stephanie303... I will also do my research as I have no clue how things are done here either. I really had hoped that there was a way to resolve this in a more peaceful way but with this and me going through my out of whack feelings about being here it's all too overwhelming..... But thank you guys for letting me vent and for the advice.

Oh wow.  Your second post definitely is more of the story.  I agree with the others, he does need to sort custody legally.  Otherwise she will use the kids against him forever.  It's a shame he doesn't see her behavior for what it is.

How does he feel about her not wanting him to see the kids if you are present?

Wow, Nessa, that seems like quite a lot to have to deal with all at once!  I think you husband MUST speak with you about this issue!  You need a better arrangement because it is completely ridiculous that you are expected to be absent from your husband's kids lives.  His ex-wife sounds like she has some issues with the break-down of their family unit.  However, you are now step-mother to those children.  Your husband really needs to understand that and needs to speak with his ex-wife.  I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time.  I really hope that it works out for you.

First off, let me say that I sympathise with you regarding the step-parenting/ ex-partner relations stuff.  It's not something I've ever dealt with myself, but I can imagine how difficult it is.

I think there's some good advice throughout the thread on how to deal with your husband, his ex, and the custody arrangements.  But I wanted to take a minute to throw in my two cents, from a divorced kid's perspective.

My parents split up the day I turned 18.  Like, literally.  Because I was 18, I didn't figure into the settlement at all, and as my sister was 16, the arrangement was 'she can come & go as she likes' (a situation which, like most teenagers, she exploited shamelessly).  There was never any discussion about holidays.  The stated assumption was that we'd simply make our own arrangements.  The unspoken assumption, on everyone's part, was that we'd each get to do things exactly the way we wanted.  See the problem yet? 

Those first several years were hellish!  Sis & I were just trying to carry on as normally as possible, doing all the things we'd always done.  Dad was trying to let us, but was also trying to work in stuff with his new family, and wanted to include us.  And Mom was a never-ending source of tears & guilt-trips, because we were choosing to 'abandon' her.  It was a horrible position to be put in, feeling like we were solely responsible for our parents' happiness.  I'd have given anything to be able to say 'sorry, but the judge said so.'

So, maybe you can explain that to your husband, to show why it's absolutely vital that they work out some kind of specific, legal custody & visitation arrangement, especially for holidays. 

Yes I agree with everything... And his ex wife allows their children to come over with me there too just they aren't allowed to spend the evenings with me there which shortens the time with them and my husband since they are picked up to get ready for bed or dinner or go out some where... Whatever excuse she comes up with. But that's it..  so yes after what everyone has said I think it's time that this be handled by the courts..  I hate to do it,  to be the one having to bring it up given I'm still trying to get use to everything but this I know is too important to sit and wait and see what happens.
. Thanks guys not only for the advice but the support too..

I would definitely encourage getting a proper custody agreement in place. I agree with your husband that in the UK, they definitely favor the mother (much more so than in the US), but it sounds like he has the back up to show that he is a present parent and he should be able to get some set visitation.

The children should have time with him, and whether or not you are there should not factor in to those rights.

Also, what's going to happen when she ends up in another relationship? Things are going to go downhill and fast with their casual agreement.