When you just want to...give up?

I am not a quitter by any means, but I am literally getting physically ill from the nerves and stress lately and simply don't feel able to hold it in from the world, especially those I love, any longer.

School in the states start next week and I still have no idea if I'll be here to even register. My parents want me to register and I know I should in case my visa or applications or whatever doesn't work out. If moving to the UK doesn't work out, I need to send off admissions applications and scholarship applications before September 1st.

I am trying to enter Clearing through UCAS, but my university hasn't accepted nor rejected my conditional offers, so I technically don't have a clearing number yet. I'm trying to juggle not sleeping well for the time difference so I can make the necessary phone calls to the UK--to ask for release for clearing, clearing spots, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying to secure a place to live, prepare my finances, do the annoying little errands of sending my documentation off to the UK, which is always a pain because most of the people in FedEx or UPS don't know how to send faxes overseas.

My parents are not jumping for joy that I'm trying to move to the UK. I don't expect them to, but I wish they could at least try and accept I might get everything to work. My penny-pinching father went out and bought a car for me, which I deeply appreciate the gesture, please please don't get me wrong, but I was so upset that he spent my saved money for school on a car. I know to everyone else it sounded like I was a spoiled, selfish, ungrateful brat, but I was so so so upset with him. For my frugal father to do something so uncharacteristic of him... Now he is almost using that car as a reason for me to stay here.

I haven't told any of my friends that I am trying to go over to the UK to study. It might sound stupid, but I feel like a liar if I don't stick to my word, no matter how hard I try.   My significant other and I have done long distance before and we were quite fine during that time, I missed him like crazy, but it worked fine. I imagine he'll be upset if I just unleashed the unofficial news at this point. Gah, I had hoped so badly that I would have had my results from UCAS by now to tell everyone.

I could simply just withdraw my UCAS application, delete the emails from the universities in my inbox, and register here. It would be so easy to do it too, but I know, deep down, that if I gave up now, I would regret it. Especially when I think off how much time, effort, and emotional exertion was invested in this. I was so determined a year ago, but now I'm so...tired. I'm beginning to doubt if it will ever fall into place for me, no matter how many phone calls I make, forms I fill out, emails I send, people I talk to, no matter how hard I try.

I feel like I should be stronger, but I haven't really found anyone to vent this to and due to my reserved nature, I feel lonely, sad, anxious, and just plain scared.

Has anyone else, no matter the situation, almost completely given up?

Hi Rynn,
First of all I am sooo sorry about the stress and pressure you are currently under...and I completely understand wanting something so bad and at the same time wanting to throw the towel in because it seems impossible. But if this is what you really want then you just have to take your chances. It was very nice of your father to buy you a car and you don't sound selfish saying he used your school money...I am sure it is even harder on you that your parents really don't support your decision and that none of your friends know. People all react differently when you tell them you want to go to another country...Your parents love you and eventually will come around to the idea...don't give up if this is what you really want. It is a hard applying for visa's and it is a waiting game trying to find out if you have been accepted or not...If you give up now you may regret this decision for the rest of your life...you will always say what if...I just say hang in there you can do it...it is hard right now and stressful but you will make it. It will all be worth it...

I agree! Don't give up

I wish I'd had the guts to go to school in the UK, when it's what I really wanted. I listened to my parents & friends and got discouraged... Twenty years later, I'm marrying a fantastic man, and moving to London - but I can just imagine how differently things would be if I was as brave as you are.

Don't give up, the rewards will be tremendous. You will have a world perspective that may be lost on many people. I really congratulate you on your courage!
-Lisa

Giving up may have crossed my mind once or twice. I had a few issues to take care of before I could even apply, and there were times when I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to step on that plane.

But don't give up, not if it's what you really want, not if you know that it'll be worth it in the end. It's tough that your family isn't behind your decision, but what's even harder is having no one to talk to about it. You might want to tell your friends, or just your boyfriend, so you can have a sounding board for the emotional stress that you're going through right now. That's what friends are for. 

Rynn, you sound incredibly stressed and I can see why. You have a lot to deal with and there are some deadlines approaching. You don't want to give up on what you want, but you want to be reasonable at this point about whether or not it's going to happen. Well, I would say that you should definitely keep going after what you want, because if it does work out, it will all be worth it. But, I do agree with your parents that you should have a back-up plan. It would cost a bit of money for app fees and all, but at least if you had all your paperwork in to the other school, and things don't work out with your moving to England, you still have something to focus on to help ease the disappointment you will feel if your app doesn't go through in the UK. It is a cliche but sometimes things really do (or don't) happen for a reason. I could've traveled around England with my ex-boyfriend, but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, so I didn't do it. Later, I kicked myself a little over not doing it. Then, a few years later, it so happened that I fell in love with an Englishman when I wasn't looking, and now I live here with him. If it's meant to be, it will happen for you someday, whether that is now or at some point in the future. At least that's what I believe. So, do your best to make your dream come true, but have a reasonable back-up plan in place in case things don't work out, if you are able to do so. At least you will know that you gave it your best shot, and really, that's all you can do.
Best of luck!