Stepchild problems. Are all kids reared this way in UK?

thats how i feel too! and i dont want to be a nag. my hubby said one of the best things about me was that i didnt bother with all the hen pecking and girly B.S. that some do. but this one thing just keeps popping up and i cant very well tell my sons, "go clean your room" when they know that the older child doesnt have to. how do you set two different rules in the same house? i think that would be disturbing and confusing.

I agree with Mindy.  You will definitely have to have different rules.  Maybe that will help your husband see that he is being taken advantage of.  And he will see that children  should not behave in such a manner.  Heck, if the younger ones act better than the older one (who is an adult), maybe that will help!! 

thats more than likely what i will have to do. i sometimes think that because it was only one child, maybe my husband doesnt understand the ramifications of raising 4 children who are dependent on you for every solitude thing..... wont happen with my three, i guarantee that one.

But if your children aren't coming for another year, then is your stepson, by then 20 going on 21, still going to be hanging around doing sod all?!  I mean, how long is it acceptable to let a "young adult" live off of you and do nothing?  Is he on benefits? Or making any type of money?  Or do you just live in hope that he'll go room with his mates or something?  But why should he? He's got it pretty good at home without much grief.  You can't blame him though because his parents should've put their foot down....

You can't blame him though because his parents should've put their foot down....

Indeed.  This is so less about the stepson and nearly entirely about the dad.  If the dad won't put his foot down, the son isn't going to change.  Why should he?  He has a pretty terrific life not working, money at his fingertips, no responsibility to cook or clean and has a chauffeur at his disposal. 

I think the way your husband is acting is actually pretty sad.  He is not equipping his son with real life skills and if it continues, the son will always be at your home.

I personally would not expose my other children to it.

But if your children aren't coming for another year, then is your stepson, by then 20 going on 21, still going to be hanging around doing sod all?!  I mean, how long is it acceptable to let a "young adult" live off of you and do nothing?  Is he on benefits? Or making any type of money?  Or do you just live in hope that he'll go room with his mates or something?  But why should he? He's got it pretty good at home without much grief.  You can't blame him though because his parents should've put their foot down....

im hoping he wont be here. not to be mean or anything but just for the fact that his attitude is like poisen. he does not like it when other people are happy and he actually takes joy in others misery. besides the fact that he says he hates kids. which i  have talked with my hubby about and he assures me that the boy will either be gone or if he has a problem with my kids, then he will have to go.
he only gets his dole and he is content to sit and do nothing. he is what i call a dreamer, one of those who works harder at winning the lottery than at bettering himself.

Indeed.  This is so less about the stepson and nearly entirely about the dad.  If the dad won't put his foot down, the son isn't going to change.  Why should he?  He has a pretty terrific life not working, money at his fingertips, no responsibility to cook or clean and has a chauffeur at his disposal. 

I think the way your husband is acting is actually pretty sad.  He is not equipping his son with real life skills and if it continues, the son will always be at your home.

I personally would not expose my other children to it.

i know its my hubby and i feel horrible. i dont want my husband to sound like some p*ssy whipped pansy ass, but unfortunately it is how he is when it comes to rules. we have a border collie who has no rules when my hubby is home. when i am here, that dog wont put one paw out of line, but when daddy comes home he turns into this terror and gets away with murder. i know the husband needs guidance, but when i give my oppinion, i get rolled eyes and a loud grunt. i dont mean to be pecking, but it doesnt change so ofcourse im going to say  the same thing over and over. i have told him that if when the boys got here, if i was not happy with it all we would have to look at getting the boy to move on. becuase mine are to young and the other is well enough aged and has his nan's to go too if needed. but i dont want to feel that i forced him out, i just want him to take responsibility for his life.

Two words: boot camp.

Kid sounds like my little brother, also aged 19.  While I recognize alot of the situation lies with the kid, the parent is also just as much to blame.   I will tell you what the psychologist told my parents about my brother:  So long as you keep providing the creature comforts he's used to, nothing will change. You have to start denying him things, be firm on your decision and never waiver, and you will eventually retrain not only him, but yourself as well.

i agree with you navie and it just keeps getting even more difficult as my husband is down stairs dealing with his son who is yelling and screaming about our dog mak, who decided to use the boy's suit as a toy in the yard.
Now i dont think that its all the dog's fault, because the boy should pick up his stuff. who leaves a new suit lying in a bag on the floor for 2 weeks? I used to tidy up after everyone, but when you spend 3 hours cleaning out just the main entrance way and within 2 days there are golf clubs, shoes, jackets and all sorts back behind the door, well........ you just get pissed at it all! i refuse to pick up now. but i can hear them down there and apparently the hubby did say something to the effect of its your fault for not picking up. where the boy is now pissing and moaning that the dog needs to be gotten rid of. not going to happen.

I just wanted to say, that while this to you might be unacceptable behaviour, it is very common in the small rural village where I live for teens to stay home, my DH's oldest brother didn't even leave until he was 28. At the moment, it is hard to find a job (though, granted, your stepson might not be looking very hard for one anyway) and when my DH was that age, he was also on the dole because this is a small village and there aren't many jobs to be had. He did finally find one a few years later, and he has worked there for 17 years now, and worked his way up in the company. At 19, though, he was still living at home, his mam did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc, and he was on the dole, only popping by the JobCentre every 2 weeks or so to check and see if anything came up. And he did go out with his friends whenever he wanted, stayed out all night if he wanted, or even all weekend, and did things teenagers generally do at that age. Party, mostly. So, although you may see this as unacceptable behaviour, it actually sounds pretty normal, for the area we live in, and it's definitely accepted here. I can certainly remember taking a lot for granted at that age - my father paid my tuition many times and I dropped out, but now I have a masters degree, so I did shape up eventually, as did my DH. 
There are some issues with certain things, like your stepson being disrespectful and asking for rides in the wee hours of the morning, but, he is a teenager, so he is going to be mouthy sometimes, and as far as what his father does for him - he already had this relationship with his father, so it will be difficult for you to change it. I think you should try to just let things go a bit, and it is very possible your stepson will turn out just fine. You can, of course, give your husband your input, but ultimately, he is the one who has to take charge if he wants anything to change with his son. I know it's tough, and I am a stepmom of a toddler, and don't always agree with certain things about his upbringing (he still gets a pacifier sometimes at 3.5 years old which drives me nuts) but ultimately, it is up to his parents to decide what they want to do about certain things. I can only just try to have the best relationship with my stepson as I can, and hope that I can be a good influence on his life. Hopefully he will start itching for more money and his own place, and all those good motivators soon enough and start trying harder to act like an adult.
Just my two pence. I hope it gets better for you soon.

That's actually a really good point, Jewlz. I remember being shocked that Tim's youngest sister (she's 22) was still living at home and his brother (25) only recently moved out, and Tim explained that as far as he knew, it was completely normal in the UK to let your children live with you after they're adults.  I think Tim's mum will be devastated when Tim's sister finally does move out!  I live with my mom right now, too, but she and I are more like roommates who split the bills evenly than an adult child living with their parent.

Although I do think the kid is taking advantage a little too much of his dad's hospitality.

To the ones that posted it was common to live at home until older.  I think there is a HUGE valley of difference between living at home and being a productive member of the household or just generally respectful of others.  It is ridiculous the son is driven everywhere at all hours or doesn't pick up after himself.

i know its my hubby and i feel horrible. i dont want my husband to sound like some p*ssy whipped pansy ass, but unfortunately it is how he is when it comes to rules.

I don't think this.  I think your husband falls into a trap that many parents do.  They want to be friends with their child, they want to be liked, they want to provide them with things they didn't have, etc.  Unfortunately, they don't see how they are failing their children.

You have a steep hill to climb and I wish you the best.

I lived at home until I was 22, but that was mostly because I wanted to spend my money on traveling instead of rent.   I did not have to pay rent to live there, but I to pay for everything else myself. I was in collage and paid all my tuition, etc for that and I worked 30-40 hrs a week. My family would never have let me just stay if I wasn't working/in school.

besides the fact that he says he hates kids. which i  have talked with my hubby about and he assures me that the boy will either be gone or if he has a problem with my kids, then he will have to go.

Unless you seek family counseling, I personally doubt that your husband will stand by this when the time comes. I would not bring your children into your home until the smoke clears, so to speak.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard to have such a rift in your home.

  I live with my mom right now, too, but she and I are more like roommates who split the bills evenly than an adult child living with their parent.

Do you have a job?

What do you mean by 'let go'.  This kid will eventually get his act together and move on with his life.  He's bratty, needs to grow up, and learn to keep his mouth shut but there's probably a lot going on with everybody-sounds like you're all a bit too involved in each other's lives.  I would never read my kids' MSN conversations -because I probably wouldn't like what I found there.  Plus, that's a pretty big invasion of privacy whether he was talking about you or not.
And he's not just going to disappear, he's always going to be a part of your husbands life, even after your children move over.
If it was me, I'd work on helping the kid figure out what he wants to do in life, get him on and using public transportation, set down some strict ground rules for late night pickups and money borrowing and realize that what he's doing isn't all that out of the ordinary.

I think that is all a bit harsh of you. "If it was me.." but it's not and so until you are in the same exact situation you really can't say for sure what you would and wouldn't do.  She even states later on that she's tried the things you would, and it hasn't worked. People don't change over night and let me tell you sometimes they NEVER do. I have an uncle who is the mirror image of this kid at 50 and now that his parents are dead he's f*cked.

I think that is all a bit harsh of you. "If it was me.." but it's not and so until you are in the same exact situation you really can't say for sure what you would and wouldn't do.  She even states later on that she's tried the things you would, and it hasn't worked. People don't change over night and let me tell you sometimes they NEVER do. I have an uncle who is the mirror image of this kid at 50 and now that his parents are dead he's f*cked.

She is free to take or ignore any of the advice or opinions given.