I really really need to vent. I've no real close friends so absolutely no-one to talk about this stuff with, and all the stress of planning a move and all that goes with it is eating me up. Apologies in advance for what I sense is going to be a long post.
Okay, after I've written it, it is longer than even I imagined it would be.
Given that much of it is a pure dump, I've titled the sections. Some are meatier than others, and I'm sure no-one wants to read about the visa and money issues ... the meatiest part is probably the bit about my mother at the end
My situation is that I accepted what is for me an absolute dream job in the UK - I couldn't design a better job. This means a move from Australia, where I have been for 2 1/2 years and was in NZ prior to that. It's just me and my 14 yo daughter, so obviously a large part of this decision to move involved figuring out whether this move would be okay for her. More on that later.
1a. Visa application - will I get it?
First of all, I've had the stress of applying for a visa for my daughter (I was able to apply for a UK passport - citizen through descent). It has taken me forever to do this (after first getting the docs needed for my passport, saving up the money for the passport, then the visa, not to mention all the various documents needed for the visa itself - including figuring out exactly which documents were needed). I accepted the job in May and am starting my job on the 1st Jan. But, I've only in the past week or so submitted her visa application - they say it takes 12 weeks, but it can be quicker. I doubt it will quicker in my case because of the single parent thing (proving sole responsibility etc).
So my first worry is about whether we will get the visa at all. Despite my best attempts to find out all I needed, including ringing the visa helpline, I kept getting conflicting advice and now think it will be refused on the basis of one or several of the following:
- not strong enough evidence of adequate accommodation (a letter with scanned signature from colleagues saying we can stay with them, plus scanned copies of their mortgage statement and letter from building society)
- not strong enough evidence of maintenance and funding of the trip. I have a good salary to go to in the UK, but very little savings. The only evidence of my UK salary is a copied contract (with the original obviously in the UK). Only evidence of the job paying our airfares is an email from them and copy of website about relocation grants for new staff. I only have about GBP1000 in the bank, plus the bank statement went up to 29 days prior to the application being sent - by the time they actually porcessed it it may have been past the 'month' point.
- withholding information. Visa helpline said the question about 'other family members' only included parents, siblings etc, so I didn't include grandmother. Yet my daughter has returned to NZ to see her grandmother several times a year.
- not enough evidence of sole responsiblity and guardianship of daughter. Her father has had no involvement in her life (and under NZ law no guardianship_, but I didn't know how to prove this. The visa helpline told me (initially) that just a signed letter from her father would be fine. The day before I was due to send it another helpline operator told me different. Her father didn't have any photo ID so he couldn't get a letter notarised. All I have is a child support letter saying I have 100% care, a notarised letter and stat. dec. from me, and a letter from her godmother.
So, there is some chances that I won't get the visa. But then what? First I don't have the money for a reapplication. Second, even if I did, I don't have the time as my job was meant to start on the 1st Jan. Third, I will be without a job, a home, or any sort of income as of 1st Jan. However, I simply have to take this job. It is a permanent position - things are being planned around my being there, over the course of several years. I can't *not* turn up! (I wish I'd stressed this in my letter).
1b. Visa application - will I get it (if I get it) on time?
As mentioned, the visa app. was submitted 8 weeks before my job is meant to start. This includes the 10 days or so taken up with Christmas. If I get the visa by the time we are meant to leave, I'd be incredibly lucky. Meanwhile, I need to book the flights as these are being paid for by my new job. I'm trying to get flexible tickets so I can change the dates if necessary. But the difference in prices might be huge, and I won't have the money to cover the extra costs involved in a new ticket price. Plus, as stated above, I will be homeless, incomeless, jobless etc ... while I wait for the visa. My daughter's school term starts on the 5th Jan, and she will already be starting her GSCEs one term late. My work will probably be okay if I don't arrive until the 2nd week of Jan, but I will need the time to get the NI number (so I can be paid!), get daughter settled into school, get over jetlag, find and furnish a house, figure out what I need to know before the work really gets going (1st Feb) etc etc ....
2. Money related issues
As I said above, I have very little savings. I'm panicking about how much I will need when I first arrive. I simply don't think I will have enough. My salary is (more than) enough to live month to month, but there will be so much to pay out when I first get there. I'm counting on the return of my current rental bond before I leave, and some money left over from the resettlement grant (although this is reimbursed rather than paid in advance) to cover the deposit and rent in advance - but I don't think it will be enough. Not to mention that I need to buy a car, furniture etc when I arrive. I have some hope in getting holiday pay, but this is uncertain.
2a money + accommodation
Tangential to the money issues is the matter of accommodation. Colleagues who will be away when I arrive have very generously offered me their house for when we first get there. But the specific area I want to live in (in particular as it has the best school for my daughter) has few rental listings - and early Jan is not going to be a good time for this. A brilliant sounding house has just come up online available mid Dec, which is furnished (including televisions!) which would obviously save us a lot of money. I really want to get this house, but its 150GBP just to apply, not to mention the 1600GBP for the deposit and rent in advance. I want to try and raise this money - using my limited savings, selling what little I can (I have no *nice* things as it's all second hand and cheap), and perhaps swallowing pride and begging my father for a loan. It would mean then that I arrive in the UK with virtually no money until I get paid - and I imagine this will take a while (with the NI processing, paydates etc ...). But at the same time, I will be facing this issue whether I have the house in advance or not. My colleagues get back at the end of Jan, and don't mind if we still stay there, but I hate being an imposition, and their house is quite far from my daughter's school meaning lots of bus rides for her which I don't want to put her through after she's moved all the way across the world...
3. Mother
Okay, so this is the 'meaty' bit. I have a fairly tortuous relationship with my mother, who has alcohol and depression/mental health related issues. But lately, it's been okay. My daughter is very close to her, though increasingly subjected to her mood swings and has a less idealized view of her as a result of this. Anyway ... getting this job was a huge deal for me. I was pregnant as a teenager, and have fought my way to a position whereby I can get a really brilliant job with a clear career trajectory and done so as a single parent the whole time. The last couple of years I have only had short-term contract positions, meaning that every few months I would panic about the end of a contract before (luckily) landing another. There's been no sense of being settled in my life, for me and my daughter (although my income has been okay - a long way from the benefits I started on). We moved to Australia for these contracts as there is nothing in my field (which I am absolutely passionate about) in New Zealand. My daughter returned to NZ 2-3 times a year to stay with her grandmother. She hated Australia and wanted to go back to live in NZ.
And then this job in the UK came up - truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I didn't tell my daughter I had an interview, but then she saw me looking at websites about the area in the UK and we got talking about it, and she said she would love to live in the UK. I really didn't think I'd get it when I applied, but lo and behold I did. My daughter was thrilled - it wasn't NZ, but it was an adventure, and better than Australia!
My mother, on the other hand, lost it when I told her. That same night I received 12 emails from her saying what a selfish b**ch I was and how I was messing up my daughter's life etc. Since then it's just been awful. My daughter has shown my skype chats with her where my mother tells her how selfish I am and how horrible the UK will be and how her schooling will be messed up and how she would give her the money to runaway from me and fly back to NZ. She said she ran away from home when she was 14 and that my daughter should do the same. And then there's the suicide emails, where she writes to me to say that I obviously hate her and so she's going to kill herself (a recurrent behavior from her, but one that had been dormant for a while).
Trying to rationalize with her simply doesn't work. I've tried to send innocuous emails, but get no response. She continues to message my daughter about how her life will be ruined and how I obviously don't care about her (my daughter) at all, and have no consideration for my mother.
I fully understand how horrible it must be to have your daughter and granddaughter move to the other side of the world. No-one would wish for that to happen. But, aren't I old enough to do what I want? Don't I deserve at least a begrudging congratulations for actually managing to get a brilliant job? And most of all, doesn't my daughter deserve some support for her move, telling her that it will be hard but that she is going to do fine? Rather than someone telling her that I am ruining her life and that she will fail all her subjects at school and everything will be horrible?
My daughter is brilliant, and all this behavior from my mother is changing her understanding of her grandmother rather than turning her against me. She can't understand why a mother would be so horrible towards her own daughter. Be sad, for sure, but not nasty. My daughter has always been fully involved in the decisions I make that affect her. She wants to move to the UK. She knows it will be hard, but knows that she will be okay. For my mother to spit her vitriol at her is both confusing and undermining, and she - thankfully - recognizes it for what it is.
So, the end result of all of this is that I've lost my mother. It's a relationship I've had to work at maintaining my whole life, and have got quite used to the fact that I only ever have conditional love from her. But now she really hates me, and the situation is quite irreparable.
I'm mostly angry, but there's a lot of sadness too. A sense of this being unfair, but in a broader sense despair about having what is meant to be a really tight bond (no matter what) just disintegrate like this. There is also the feeling of guilt - but this is precisely what my mother wants me to feel and I really don't think it's legitimate. I shouldn't feel guilty. I've made a decision that is best for both my daughter and I. No, it's not the best decision for my mother, but isn't that what 'growing up' is all about? You get to make your own decisions about your own life?
Okay, so that was very very long - the worst part is that I've only touched the surface. But the idea of a 'grievances' thread, specifically for venting, was just too appealing for me. There's a lot of venting I'd like to do.
