My Brother-in-Law [BIL]

My BIL who I've known since the '80's -- they've been married since '89, have three kids, one boy in college who just turned 19, one boy who will be 15 this January, and a daughter who will be 13 in January also.

My BIL was diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2008.  He had surgery to remove the cancer which we thought had been successful.

Today I received an email from my sister telling me that he's been diagnosed as terminally ill.  The only other family member she told was our Mom.  

She said right now they're about to try new treatments along with experimental drugs.  I feel so hopeless, I want to be there for her, traveling is out (we're gutted financially at the moment since my house in the states hasn't sold yet), and I can't leave yet because I don't have my spousal visa.  What's going to happen to the kids?  Losing a parent at any age puts your life on hold.  My parents are still here thank goodness, I can't imagine losing them even at my age.

I'm just going on and on but please keep them in your thoughts.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Regarding lost parents, I lost my dad to cancer when I was 23. I certainly wasn't prepared for it, and I still miss him terribly, but life does go on. The first year was hard, and I did my best to stay busy, and it got easier over time. The experience definitely matured me in ways that I may not have matured otherwise, and I am sort of thankful for it, in a weird way. Most of all, I'm just thankful that I knew my dad at all, as some people aren't so lucky. I'm so sorry to hear that your niece and nephews will have to continue to grow up without their father, but hopefully the experience will at least make them stronger. It tends to put things into perspective, as once you have faced something so horrible as losing someone you love, the little things just don't get to you as much as they used to. At least they will still have their mother, while many others have lost both parents.

I'm not trying to diminish your grief or feelings of sadness by any means at all. It is a terribly sad and frightening thing to face. But, I tend to find that at times like these, I think of people who have it worse than I do, and it helps me go on. It was really the only thing that helped me face losing my dad. I kept thinking of my cousin who had never met his father, and of others I knew who had lost someone close to them, and in a way, it helped me be grateful for the time I had with him, rather than lament the time with him I was going to lose. Hugs and love to you and all of your family in this terrible time. Just do the best you can to be there for them.

Oh, I'm so sorry for you. Can you set up Skype or something so you could take time and chat with your sister and nephews and niece?  It might be good for them to have someone outside the family that they can always talk to...it's a way to help long distance...

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry to hear your news.  It will be hard on all family members involved but the more support the better.  Glad to hear they are trying new things and do whatever they can as that can have a silver lining.

In my opinion from friends and personal experiences kids are resilient and usually come out stronger then you realize if you give them the support they need. Just do all you can, not everyone can jump on planes and take off work to "be there" but as Jennie mentioned Skype can help you "be there" and just see people can help. 

Remember also to focus on the positive and the future because if everyone is down and out it will feel so sad but if you keep up positive thoughts it will help the kids too.  I am not recommending self delusion just being positive.  My thoughts are with you and there are TONS of books to help teenagers and kids coop with losing a parent at that age, it might be something to look into.  Kids are smarter then you think and even if you don't tell them everything they will concoct their own version of what is going on.

Be Strong, Be Open and Be There!

Nothing else to add, except that I'm so sorry to hear your news.

Thanks everyone for your kind words --- I sent my sister a link to NIH's website for their clinical trials.  But what I've learned so far is that his form of cancer is extremely rare.  Don't know which type yet.