His Ex is Too Much!

Hmmm... Interesting turn of events.. I'm talking to her on Facebook chat.  Shall I post the conversation here for your opinions?

I wouldn't go down that road if I were you--both engaging with her by chatting or posting your conversation with her.

I know it's mighty tempting not to do, but clearly, this person is manipulative and loves drama, and will be happy to draw you into this.  My bet is that she will be informing him that you contacted her, which will only provide a boost to whatever incentive he is getting out of having 2 american women fight over him.

Don't do it.  I say, if you really feel that there is some hope of saving the relationship, then concentrate all your energies on helping him work out this situation and learning to grow past this co-dependence on the ex.

Sounds like a tough situation.  Personally, I'd want a satisfactory resolution before I uprooted my life and moved to another country to be with a person like that.  There is just too much at risk & personal sacrifice for you, for him to be so wishy-washy. 

Hmmm... Interesting turn of events.. I'm talking to her on Facebook chat.  Shall I post the conversation here for your opinions?

Yes, post it I know we are all curious, if anyones says you're not - you are lying We are women after all - and we know how manipulative they can be, especially bitter ex's.

Oh and I also just wanted to say that it sounds like your Fiance, wants to have his cake and eat it too. I totally agree that this is an ego booster for him. Needs to be settled before you make such a life altering move. It's either her or you. Period.

I wouldn't go down that road if I were you--both engaging with her by chatting or posting your conversation with her.

I think LadyV is right. As much as the voyeur in me would love to read the conversation, I think it's probably best for you to step away and focus your attention where it'll do most good - i.e., with your fiance.

Saturday night, I was on MSN Live talking to him (on cam) when I realized that he was scooted down in his chair and typing a mile a minute to someone (and it wasn't me).  Of course it was her.. on Facebook chat...

I would have been furious!  That sounds like he's (albeit very badly) sneaking around.  Why?!  All sorts of alarm bells going off.  What he's doing is not on.  Listen to your gut. 

Sounds like a tough situation.  Personally, I'd want a satisfactory resolution before I uprooted my life and moved to another country to be with a person like that.  There is just too much at risk & personal sacrifice for you, for him to be so wishy-washy. 

I agree with this.  You cannot give up everything and move here to be with someone who is not 100% committed to the relationship. This guy does not seem to be, sadly.  As for your chatting with her online or reposting the conversation here or elsewhere, isn't this just perpetuating the problem?  Stop communicating with her and give this guy an ultimatum - give up the ex or lose you.

This reminds me of a guy I was once involved with who made all sorts of excuses as to why he couldn't cut off communication with an "ex."  She was unstable, he didn't know how she'd take it, he was afraid she'd get violent or hurt herself, he was breaking it off slowly, etc etc.  Turns out that the truth was that he hadn't broken up with her at all, and never intended to.  It's really hard to face up to a situation like this, especially when it's someone you have deep feelings for.  But the others are right--this is not acceptable behaviour, and you need to make sure you are the only woman in your fiance's head and heart before you move halfway across the world to marry him. 

I agree with this.  You cannot give up everything and move here to be with someone who is not 100% committed to the relationship. This guy does not seem to be, sadly.  As for your chatting with her online or reposting the conversation here or elsewhere, isn't this just perpetuating the problem?  Stop communicating with her and give this guy an ultimatum - give up the ex or lose you.

I agree with this. 

Your problem is with him not her, why are you considering confronting her?  I think nothing is to be gained from talking to her.  It is only going to perpetuate the drama and your personal hurt. 

I personally would put the wedding on indefinite hold. Your BF is going to have to choose in this situation.  I would lay it out for him and if he doesn't cut off all contact, in say 2 weeks, that is that.

It is totally crap for you and you don't deserve it.  But better to face it now then when you have given up your life in the US or have children.  How much bigger of a nightmare would that be!

Hi TexasArtGal!!  I had an extremely similar situation with my dh.  He had no interest and she had some 'other issues'.  The story on how they got back in touch is complicated, and yes she was from the US too.  I don't want to put it all up on here, but essentially when she called on Christmas Eve, I told my now dh, then bf, that I wasn't really interested in doing another ldr anyway (long story, but had been in one previously), and I didn't want to deal with this either.  When he told me he wanted to get married, I said it was no contact with her because of her situation and that included getting a new mobile number so she couldn't call, or it was a no.  Obviously we are married so that worked out for me.  Anyway, please pm me if you want to talk more about it.  

I really didn't mean confront her as in get all nasty confrontational with her.  I meant more like see what she's expecting from their "friendship".  I'm not the nasty confrontational type but I do like approaching problems head-on. 

Anyway.  I spoke to her on Facebook and it seems that he inflated things quite a bit.  She told me some things that I already knew (that they were talking about getting back together for the first 6 months after they split) and some things that I didn't know.  (That they were both miserable in the marriage and they were always better off as just friends.) He always made it seem like things were so rosy between them.  She told me that they weren't.   

She told me that she wasted precious years with him that has now kept her from having more kids as she feels too old now (same age as me, 38) and she felt like it would been a mistake having a child with him since he really hates kids.  (He really lacks the patience for children which is fine for me as those years are way behind us both.)

I told her that I expected that the chatting was only an occasional thing and wasn't going to be all the time and she said she was fine with that.  At one point, she said she doesn't know why she keeps in touch with him after remembering all the bad memories they had together.

He is on Facebook right now and still has his chat blocked.  I really don't want to keep him from talking to anyone.  I don't want to monitor or control him or who he is talking to at any time.  I just expect that he doesn't let things get out of control to where I'm suffering from anxiety and panic attacks again. 

Once I'm there, we will sit down in person and discuss 1) that he is to never throw her "wanting him back" in my face again.  (He did this in the heat of a disagreement and has caused a lot of my uneasiness with this entire situation.)  2) that if he wants to converse with her it needs to not be in a sneaky way.

I've already spoke with him tonight and told him that I spoke to her and feel better about the situation. 

If I were in your situation, I would confront him about it, not so much her.  While some of the frustrations seem to be aimed at her for trying to initiate and maintain a disproportionate amount of contact with your fiance, it seems that the big issue is that your fiance is going along with it and not putting his foot down...or only making a half hearted attempt to put his foot down only after you approach him about it.

Personally, I don't understand why it's so difficult for him to cut off (or reduce) contact with someone who is:

(1) not even on the same land mass,
(2) on internet sites that have blocking features, and most importantly,
(3) someone he claims he doesn't even like talking to.  

That, IMO, is worrisome.  If he claims he doesn't even like talking to her, why does he chat with her daily?  Why does he type a mile a minute on Facebook chat with her?  

Is he afraid of confrontation?  More afraid of confronting her than you about this?  It appears she broke up with him (for her boss) - is he not completely over her yet?

Maybe it's just me, but I can't reconcile him claiming that he doesn't like talking to her, and then him furiously having a Facebook chat with her, if that's what he's doing.

Even with the visa paid for and the plane ticket booked, if I were in your situation, I would resolve this ASAP, even if that meant delaying your move to the UK and taking a financial hit on the plane tickets and visa.  While it may seem to be a problem now, if you moved over there and it didn't work out, it would be a bigger problem then.

I would tell him (again, if I were in your shoes) that he should commit to the person he's engaged to, and make good on it.  And if he can't or won't do it, it would be better to find out now.

IMO, he's not treating you like his fiancee, and he's not showing you respect or taking your feelings into consideration - how upset you are by his actions.  He may truly never go back to her physically, but it just seems to me that he's investing a lot of emotional energy into interacting with her, and because their interactions are straining your relationship together, his behavior is not acceptable if he wishes to maintain a healthy relationship with you.  There's a difference between remaining friends with an ex, and what he's doing - to the point where his current partner feels upset.

EDIT:

Glad to hear you've sorted it out some.

Do you believe her?

TxArtGal, I hope it all works out for you, I really do. This isn't about trying to control your fiance though ... it's about him showing a total lack of respect for you.  Obviously I don't know you or him but from what you've written here, I hear big warning bells. 

The first english man I dated also had an ex(girlfriend) from the states and I notice she always have contact with him, even when we broke up and got back together I noticed that she talk to him alot especially the time we were apart. My advice is just know its a two way street. If she is txting him and msning then he is replying. No one would continue to message someone for month unless they were getting communication back.

Now I am not saying its wrong for him to do so, I am just saying that he doesn't have to have THAT much communication with her. Maybe the whole thing is stroking his ego too much. I know in my situation my ex had her there as backup (harsh in saying but thats what it was) and had her there just to make himself wanted.

Hope it all works.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this situation. I do briefly and occasionally speak to ex-boyfriends and DH always hears about it when I do (for instance, when an ex let me know his mom passed away recently). DH talks to his ex-partner because they have a son together, and that's fine. But more than that "just keeping in touch" thing is just too much for me. 

... that if he wants to converse with her it needs to not be in a sneaky way.

I would have a major problem with his dishonesty.