Career and childcare issues

My husband and I had a heart to heart last night and really hit a wall. Both of us know that if we would start a family that we have to have a game plan with child care and that it will be really expensive. The thing is... I think we realized we would simply be unable to afford the first few years of nanny care. That's if we have a baby atleast four hours a day would have to go to childcare.

I get no support from friends because they think it is just as simple of "staying home". There are so many factors: I don't want my husband to have the alienated stress of paying for everything. I know that he loves me no matter the situation we are living in. I can't help to feel like I need my job, I adore my career and feel as though I still be a great Mom.

I am sort of ranting but just feel a bit crushed and have no insight to how others manage. I feel like our hopes of having a family will never happen simply because it's impossible to have a family unless I choose to give up my career (being selfish as others have said).

I think it's hard to tell how you'd feel in advance.  For you, a child at this point is only theoretical, not a real person.  Reality plays out very differently.

Here's my case.  I've loved kids all my life, and never been a big fan of the "have em and pop them into full-time daycare" model.  But I never saw myself as a full-time stay at home type either.  I figured I'd go back part time after my daughter was born.  But as things happened, I was unable to go back as I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant and the economy didn't pick up until she turned a year old, so my job search was in vain anyway.  By the time a job became available again, ironically I didn't want to go!  I'm actually enjoying being at home with her, and although she has been in daycare she didn't do well there and was crying most of most days.  Neither thing did I envisage in advance.  So I think you'll have to figure out whether you want a family or not and just be prepared to make sacrifices in advance because it's difficult to tell what form they'll take - whether financial or career advancement or what.  And the mom instincts kick in, so you'll know what's right for your family, whether it's being at home full-time, or part-time, or working full time. 

I think your options often depend on what industry you work in.  If you know that you want kids, but also want to continue working, is it possible to focus on working for a company/organization where a flexible schedule/telecommuting/job sharing is more common? 

Another thing to consider is why you're working.  If you really enjoy your career, then maybe it's worth the expense of childcare.  My best friend and her husband are both teachers, and have just had their second baby.  She knew before she had her oldest that, by the time they deducted the cost of full-time daycare, she'd be working for not much more than minimum wage.  But she loves her job, and even that amount of extra money makes a difference in their household budget.  Now that they'll have another one needing care, they may have to recalculate and re-evaluate the decision, but I think that, as long as it doesn't result in a net loss of household income, she'll keep working.

I think there is always options. In my situation, I now have two children and was a stay at home mother while my husband worked full time. Yes, it was a struggle at times, but I found I actually loved being at home. Now both are in school full time and I am training to become a teaching assistant as like you we don't have family to rely on and not many friends and so this is the best option for me since I want to go back to work. Childcare issues will be almost non-existant as I will be on the same timetable as they are as well. Having a child can be hard financially but the joy I get back from being a mummy is priceless. It can work out. 

The cost of childcare plus my husbands aversion to having anyone but close family watch our 2 year old daughter. Our closest family is 6,000 miles away ergo...This is precisely why me & my 3 university degrees are a stay at home parent. With my husbands income & our tax credits we make do.

I agree that you don't really know what you would truly do until you're actually in the situation. Don't let anyone's opinions stress you out and cloud the decisions you want to make. If you want to go back to work, go back to work! I have friends who could have easily afforded to have her stay at home, but she chose to go to work because she likes working and couldn't see herself as a stay at home mom. We don't have kids yet, but some days I think that I would want to stay at home, other days I think I would want to go back to work. I really won't know what I feel like until that time comes.

My thoughts for our situation are worry about making the baby, then worry about the other stuff when that actually happens! No sense putting the cart before the horse! We know we definitely want a family, so everything else will fall into place.

I don't think you have to give up your career at all, I think that working mothers in the UK have lots and lots of flexibility, and yes childcare is expensive, but you can get some help with that with things like Childcare Vouchers (which are taken out of your paycheck before taxes) Yes, its a sacrifice, but its worth it for us, and to be honest, I love being a working mother and even though I am on maternity leave (for a year! Hooray!) with my 10 week old right now, I feel a bit of a loose end and I miss the structure that working give my life.

There are lots of childcare options, for instance, Childminders are less expensive and more flexible than nurseries are, although nurseries are very social, and you will get some help when your kids turn 3, they get 20 hours of free daycare a week (athough with the new government, who knows if that will stay or go)

One big plus for me is that due to a some kind of European legislation, because I was getting childcare vouchers while I was working, and I didn't opt out of them, my company is obliged to keep paying them for my maternity leave, so while I am home with my new baby, my 4 year old son is still with the childminder.

In all honesty, we could afford to have me stay at home with the kids as my husband does make a good salary, but I like working, I like having my own money and I enjoy the lifestyle of being a working mother!! Don't listen to anyone else, do what feels good to you!

I agree with Elliejean that you'll really never know how parenthood is going to play out for you until it happens.  My sister who loved her job and intended to go back to work full time was laid off during her maternity leave.  My friend who intended to be a stay-at-home mom ended up going back to work full-time when her baby was six months old because her husband got laid off.  Another friend had a baby girl who had a near-SIDS episode that left her blind and so impaired she has never been able to speak or even respond much to her mother.  The husband of an acquaintance of mine died of food poisoning on holiday while she was pregnant and suddenly she was a grieving single mother.  As with most things in life, becoming a parent almost never goes exactly to plan. 

I've been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, and both at the same time. I can't quite agree with Bmore_2_UK that "everything will fall into place" but I do agree that if you really want to be a parent then you'll find ways to make things work out, even if they aren't always the easiest ways, or the best ways, or the ways you would have chosen.

There are lots of childcare options, for instance, Childminders are less expensive and more flexible than nurseries are, although nurseries are very social, and you will get some help when your kids turn 3, they get 20 hours of free daycare a week (athough with the new government, who knows if that will stay or go)

It's actually currently 12.5 hrs of nursery education a week, going up to 15 in Sept (our playgroup has has to change the session times because of it).  Don't know how the new government will affect that though.

We were lucky that we live a 20 min walk from Alex's parents who volunteered before we actually asked to watch Jean when I went back to work (she was 8 months).  Otherwise I'd have gone with a childminder until she was playgroup age.

I'll echo what the others have said already. You really don't know what options will be available to you, or even how you'll feel about wanting/needing to work until you actually have a child with you.

I rushed back to work after 3 months after my son was born. I was a teacher and I loved my work. I did not think they could possibly cope in my absence, nor could I "survive" without having my career, so I rushed through my leave and got back into the classroom as soon as possible. It was a very hard and very miserable year for me. I could have never predicted that happening. Things have changed and now I'm home all day with a toddler and am simply itching at getting back to work (cannot find a teaching position where i live now) but for that first year, I really wish I would have stayed home.

In all honesty, fulltime childcare won't be necessary for too long (particularly in the UK where not only is maternity leave a bit longer, but a child's school "career" seems to start that much earlier than in the States) Financially you will make it work. I find it funny that parents here in the States fall over and make a fuss at the obscene costs of a college education, when in all reality a year of tuition it is not much more than a year of daycare at a quality center.