Dealing with Family and Friends

I don't know if this is the correct thread for this, but I'll try it here for now.  My boyfriend and I were recently engaged, we've been dating for 10 months.  He's from the UK and I'm from the states, I'm planning on moving over to England to be with him and get married after we've saved for a few months, visa apps and all that. 

But anyway, I am so excited and happy right now and am finding that my family and friends are less than enthusiastic about me leaving.  It's really starting to hurt me because this is a really big deal for me and I know the circumstances aren't what people are used, but still it would be nice. 

I have one friend in particular who refuses to talk about it at all, this is a very good friend too or was anyway.  Example, I was at the bar last night with her and another good friend, I started talking about plans for my wedding, etc, she literally turns her back on me and my other friend and says,"I don't want to hear about this."  I would understand if she had valid reasons, but she basically told me she can't be happy for me because she doesn't like where her life is going right now.  I don't even know how to handle it because I'm so shocked that she's acting like this.

My family also is not being very supportive.  I have a large extended family and no one has moved out of the state except for maybe 2 of my forty first cousins.  So I understand that what I am doing is not the norm, but I wish people could just suck it up and at least pretend to be happy for me.

It just really hurts that I get messages from my fiance's friends and his parents congratulating me when my own friends and family are acting like this.  This is an exciting time in my life and I just want to be able to share it with people I love without feeling guilty.

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are not being supported by friends and family.

Sometimes others happiness is hard to experience. Sometimes a change is hard to experience. Sometimes people just don't know how to deal with people 'leaving' in such a concrete way. Whatever it is, it is no reflection  on you, but others' difficulties in dealing with your decision.

You know what's right for you. You know what you need to do to make yourself happy. Try and spend time with those who are supportive to figure out ways to deal with those that aren't when you feel you have energy in the way that works best for you.

((Hugs)) 

I know it's difficult, but try to imagine the sadness they are feeling at the prospect of their best friend or family member moving away. I am sure they are happy for you, they are just struggling with their own selfish desires for you to stay put. You may find that they come around in time, closer to the time of your wedding or your moving. My best friend could hardly talk about it with me before I left, though she was supportive of the wedding and everything, and though I've rarely seen her cry in 20 years of friendship, she bawled like a baby on my doorstep the day I moved to England.  However, even though she said "it will never be the same" the day I left, she is surprised at how much our friendship has been maintained in spite of the distance, thanks to cheap calling plans, webcams, email and Facebook, and visits here and there. It's always much harder for the people being left behind, who are often so sad you are moving away, and feel that sense of life being unfair, why couldn't you find a local guy?, etc. that it is often hard for them to be happy for you. Just don't let their selfish and hurt feelings bring you down. Stay positive and spend as much time with them as you can before you go. You will miss them all as much as they will miss you. In their own way, they are just trying to show you how much they care about you and will miss you when you go. Good luck.

The lack of support really does suck but I can understand how they feel. If someone I loved moved 5,000 miles away then I would be incredibly hurt. I can also understand how you feel and how excited you must have been then later bummed out because the people you love the most aren't being positive.

When I was moving, my mom didn't speak to me for days until the very last day when I was going to the airport she cried like I haven't seen before. It still actually makes me cry thinking about it.

I think all of these behaviours are normal and a lot of the members on this forum have experienced this kind of negativity and sadness before moving.

I hope you have a good time with them and they come around before you move.

I have one friend in particular who refuses to talk about it at all, this is a very good friend too or was anyway.  Example, I was at the bar last night with her and another good friend, I started talking about plans for my wedding, etc, she literally turns her back on me and my other friend and says,"I don't want to hear about this."  I would understand if she had valid reasons, but she basically told me she can't be happy for me because she doesn't like where her life is going right now.  I don't even know how to handle it because I'm so shocked that she's acting like this.

Omg, I think we have the same friend.
Even when I was coming here to visit, she couldn't talk about it and would change the subject back to her.
Trust me, you'll look back and laugh about your friend being like this...at least I am.

Thanks for the replies everyone.  I talked to my mom about it yesterday and she made me feel better about the whole.  I guess right now, it's mostly this friend that is really bothering me just because I think what she is doing doesn't really have a lot to do with missing me when I leave.  But I will just focus on the support I am getting right now 

I lost most of my friends when I moved.  I don't think they understood why I was doing it.  My sister still, after 4 years hasn't forgotten me.  Honestly the last memory I have of my sister before moving is of a huge fight.  I know that isn't the last time we saw each other (she let me stay with her for a month before I left) but that is the memory I have of her that stuck.  My parents on the other hand, were absolutely supportive and even bought my ticket over here. 

The thing is a lot of people may not understand what you are doing, they may also not know how to deal with you moving away, or they are just plain jealous, but that is them.  It is the people who are being supportive you need around you right now.  The whole process is a very scary thing and there are those who support you and they are the ones you should concentrate on. 

Good luck.

Pengi

I think a lot of us experience this same thing when we move.  I just got back from a visit with my family in the US (after being in the UK for 6 months) and my family still refuses to talk about it.  It is kind of upsetting that my family knows little about my life now because they refuse to ask/listen/participate in conversations about what's going on since it involves me being in the UK.  Lord forbid I mention how something in the UK is better or easier or nicer than in the US!

If you look at it from the other side, it is a little easier to see why they're not super excited about you moving thousands of miles away from them.  They're happy that you are happy...they are just being selfish because they feel like they are "losing" you.  It is understandable and talking about it does help a lot.  I'm glad your mom was able to make you feel a little bit better after you discussed it...perhaps try the same thing with your bestfriend.

...they are just being selfish because they feel like they are "losing" you.

Selfishness definitely comes into it. My family and friends have been rather supportive, but my father frequently told me he hoped that something would go wrong with my visa so that I didn't get it, and he wasn't particularly congratulatory when I did. Or now he'll say he hopes I don't get a job here and will have to move back to Ohio (which is extremely selfish considering the field I'm in barely exists there). Probably the worst was when my (UK) boyfriend visited Ohio with me and my dad kept asking him if he'd like to live there... Strangely, when I was living at home, my father and I barely spoke.

But to be completely honest, before I moved I didn't want people to acknowledge it much because it always resulted in someone crying!

I feel some of this already, and I'm not even moved yet. It just feels like some people are so stuck on feeling bad about me leaving, that they have started distancing themselves from me before I even go. It's sad, and it's hurtful. When all of the stressful parts about visas and moving are starting now, I feel the most alone. I am so happy  knowing soon I will finally be with my husband. I wish people close to me would just be happy for me, knowing I am happy. I know it will be hard leaving, but I just wish everyone would make the most of the time I am still here, and realize I am not going to outer space! Wherever I go in the world, I'm still me, and still a phone call, an email, and a plane ride away.

it was hard for my family and friends to except me moving to another country..so I understand what you are going through..my sister who is my best friend was really upset with me and refused to talk about it for awhile and she tried to not like my fiance...she did this because she was mad that he was taking me away from her..she thought if I moved that far away that we wouldn't be able to talk as much as we used to and we wouldn't be as close. I have one friend in particular who was my best friend who never took the time to get to know my fiance and made little snide jokes all the time about how I shouldn't move. I think part of her problem was that I was moving on with my life and she wasn't. She was very jealous and she didn't want me to leave. She even got in a fight with my fiance to the point where I said we shouldn't be friends anymore..but after that fight and discussing our feelings we remained friends..what you are experiencing with your family and friends is normal..But once my family spent more time with my then fiance and got to know him and got to see how happy I am with him..they slowly started to accept things. And my sister found out that even though I am living in the UK we skype all the time and email everyday and talk on the phone..so we are in contact as much as we are before...she now loves my husband and is happy for both of us..her and my mom just came to visit...you just need to give them all time to get used to the situation..good luck and if you need to talk just let me know....
Josy

Im sorry you have to go through this with little to no support from your family.  It makes it that much harder. 

I think you should know that you are not alone in this respect.  It sounds like most or some of us have to endure unsupportive families.  My immediate family disowned me, but now they are ok with the idea, and have been ok about it....not supportive per say but better.  And now my extended family has disowned me lol....and my family is from England!   

You are the person who knows what is best for you and your life.  Dont let others dictate what you do.  I honestly believe the more they get used to the idea the more they will warm up the closer it gets.

hugs