Fathers at the birth

Hi,

My husband and I have been talking about the upcoming birth and what we both want/expect.  For both of us, my birth plan is simple: go through it together and come home with a healthy baby boy.  One thing that is worrying us though is how much of a role my husband will get to play in the birth and the hours after it.  I want him there with me - it isn't just me that needs to bond with our son, it is my husband too.  It freaks me (and him) out that there is the possibility that he will be forced to go home after the birth if I need to go into the ward. You hear the horror stories and they are not encouraging.

Can anyone give any insight into how fathers are treated and included in the birth and after?

Cheers,
Pengi

My DH was included in every aspect of the birthing process.  He was the one the midwives talked/asked questions to when we first arrived as I was too busy sucking on gas and air!  He was going to cut the cord but didn't get to since baby was in distress.  He also held the baby while the afterbirth was delivered and I was examined and cleaned up.

He was allowed to stay with me on the post-natal ward during 'partner visiting hours'...which are different from 'normal visiting hours'.  I believe the hours for partners was 8am-9pm and regular visiting hours were from 2-4pm (obviously that will be different for each hospital).  Initially I was upset that DH wouldn't be able to stay with me overnight, but it wasn't that bad as we were all exhausted and just went to sleep anyway.

Jon was with me throughout the entire birth and even though the girls were born a couple of hours before partner visiting hours opened, they allowed him to stay with me.

Of course, he was not allowed to stay overnight. Don't worry about this, though. If the midwives at your hospital are anything like mine then you're going to get A LOT of support. You only need to ask for it. I was only there for two nights but on both nights the midwives took the girls off me for a couple of hours so I could get some sleep.

DH felt more involved and welcome at the birth of our daughter than at the birth of our son.  

With DD it was just him, me and the midwife through the night and delivery.  DH was great as I was induced, so they had me stay overnight through my labour.  DH was delegated responsible for my TENs trigger once I got into the birthing suite and had my Entonox.  After DD was born  I had an unexplained bleed after the placenta was delivered, so the room filled with people instantaneously and poor DH was a bit overwhelmed by what was going on and seeing it all.  I ended up having to stay overnight (2nd night) by myself with DD.  DH honestly didn't mind as like Eastside mentioned the hospital had virtually all-day Partner visiting hours and he was just exhausted by the time DD was born.  I on the otherhand was on a fantastic high and so excited about having baby I didn't mind nor sleep...  We ended up calling and texting back and forth all night.

However, when DS was born earlier this year his birth was extremely short.  My labour was only 4 hours from start of contractions to delivery (again, I was induced, so it was quite clinical).  DH felt less involved in the birth this time round as we had the Midwife and a student and they seemed to kind of push DH out of the way so the student could learn.  I don't think it helped that we had DD with us for a little over half of my labour and he was busy running after her.  DS pooed while I was giving birth, so they decided to keep us in for observation overnight (he needed checks every 2-4 hours).  DH just wanted me to call to update him on the checks.  I think DD was more devestated than DH of us not coming home that night.  We just wanted to make sure DS was healthy and everything was fine; that outweighed us being together at home.

If he wants to be there to support you pengi that's fantastic and a great asset to have him know exactly what you're wanting in the event of X, Y, Z.  The Midwives will double check with you on everything to make sure it's what you really want still, but it's just to ensure the decisions aren't being taken away from you.  If you want something particular like him cutting the cord etc. have a word with the Midwife or have it written in your notes, that way they can (circumstances permitting) accommodate for it.  Good luck!

With both kids (natural & C-Section) my husband was with me for the whole time, which was great. But both of my kids were born at night (my son at 9 pm and my daughter at 11 pm) and to be honest, after a few hours, I wanted him to go. I would guess that the hospitals had different rules of your kids are born at night, but I did reach a point where I really just wanted to be alone with the baby, he needed some rest, and I was happy that he went home. He came back a few hours later, and didn't miss out on any bonding with the baby. IMO the really important bit in the 24-48 hours after baby is born is to establish breast feeding (if you choose to) and there is plenty of baby-bonding time after that, I mean, there are dirty nappies to be changed and cups of tea for Mummy to be made!!!

The only kind of support my husband was in charge of was comic relief! Thats all I really needed!

My experience was similar to many here.  DH was there for nearly everything, but was grateful for the chance after DD was born to go home and get a little rest.  They ended up moving me (since everything went well and I ended up not being able to have an epidural) into the Midwife-led Unit and offered him a chance to stay with me overnight there, but by that time he'd been by my side for about 14 hours.  He'd wanted to be there for everything, but ended up being thankful for a chance to walk home from the hospital, breathe some cool air, and try to get his head around this amazing thing we'd just experienced.  He was back by my side first thing in the morning though.

Check with the specific hospitals.  Some of the midwife-led units let partners stay overnight, but if you are having medical stuff like an epidural, they'll probably say he can be there during the day, but needs to go home after 9pm if you aren't in actual labour.  If you are in labour, he can stay with you during the night obviously.

I was induced at night, and my husband was not allowed to stay, as I was in a ward on the post natal floor. I went into labor at 1 a.m. and they wouldn't let him come until 8 in the morning, so I labored alone for 7 hours. Had they actually moved me down to the delivery floor he would have come sooner, but they didn't think I was far enough along (even though I was almost 7 cm by the time they took me down to the delivery floor). I was not happy.

Our son was born at 1 pm and my mom and husband were allowed to stay until 8 at night, then had to go home, and he couldn't come back until 9 or 10 the next morning. Short of a private room (and even then he may not be allowed to stay) you have no choice. One of he women in my recovery ward came in at 11:30 pm and her husband literally had to say goodbye and leave, and this was probably 2 hours after she had their baby.

Gosh, I can't imagine not having been able to have had DH with me all night when I had my son (I just gave birth via c-section in the US in June). I was in for four nights and he was there overnight for all of them. I needed him to help me pick up DS, help me up to the bathroom, get me water and things, etc. All things I didn't need to bother the nurses for. He was able to get out and have breaks during the day when other people were there to help me. I definitely wanted him there at night though. I'm sure I would have managed if we'd had our son in the UK and pengi, I'm sure you will be fine, but given the choice, I definitely would prefer him being with me at night. Just my opinion!

The midwives here are so supportive and lovely! I had a C-section on the Thursday night at 11 pm and was sent home early Saturday morning, they don't keep you in for very long if you can get showered and up and about. Also, I think they let you go home because of the community midwives that come to your house to support you. Mine came for about a month. She was amazingly helpful and supportive!

Just to chime in with what racheeeee said...from my personal experience, the aftercare I have received from the midwives here in the UK has been far superior to the aftercare I received in the US.  The nurses in the US were very nice and helpful but I don't think I could have survived the 5 days/4 nights I was in without having someone there with me.  I wasn't able to walk properly so obviously couldn't lift/carry DD...even had trouble changing her because I couldn't bend my back.  I would've felt really uncomfortable calling a nurse everytime I needed to go to the bathroom, get something to drink or feed DD.  I experienced similar physical issues here in the UK but I was home within 24 hours so it wasn't a problem.  I could have been released 6 hours after the delivery (which I would have preferred!) except for the fact my pregnancy was high risk (which just called for a few extra hours of observation for me and baby).

I also found it really nice that the midwives come out to visit you.  You don't have to worry about dragging baby out in bad weather and things like that.  In the US, DD had jaundice so I had to take her to the hospital (35 minutes away from home) for blood test at 4 days old...and then back to doctor's office (45 minutes away) at 1 week and 2 weeks old.  It was a real hassle.  Plus I just felt the way I always feel at doctor appointments...like they wanted to hurry up and be done with me so they could get on to the next patient.  Here in the UK, all I have to do is open the door...and I find that the midwives seem much more caring and supportive (in the hospital and afterwards).  They're only here for about 10-15 minutes but they take the time to make sure you have no concerns.  Just my personal experience YMMV.

If you're really worried about your husband's participation in the birth, you could always do what my friend did. She just this last week gave birth to her second child at home. The midwife was phoned too late and her husband ended up delivering the baby. Talk about involvement! (I should say everyone is totally fine and father is a beaming mass of pride of having delivered his son)

thanks for everyone's comments. my husband is going to start going to every appointment with me and we'll make it very clear in my notes that he is to be with me. To be honest I had a not to great experience when I tried to see about a tour of the maternity wing (the lady I spoke with was quite rude and when I tried to ask why I couldn't have one she just walked away. Granted I'd not eaten in over 12. Hours so it may have just been my perception of the situation) so I don't have very good first impressions...

I've actually considered the whole call too late thing, and if I'm anything like my sisters and mother it is a possibility.

 

I think peoples' experiences are entirely down to the hospital they are in. My husband was with me for my section and he slept in a cot next to me in the recovery room the first night and for the next four nights they let him sleep in a recliner next to my bed. But I also had a private room all that time which I think was probably because my baby was in special care and putting me in a room full of women with their babies would have been quite cruel.

I understand you want your husband with you the whole time (who doesn't?) but unfortunately the way wards work is that the fathers are only allowed to stay during visiting hours unless you are in active labor. You may want to look into getting a private room if your hospital offers them so he can stay the whole night.

I was induced at night, and my husband was not allowed to stay, as I was in a ward on the post natal floor. I went into labor at 1 a.m. and they wouldn't let him come until 8 in the morning, so I labored alone for 7 hours. Had they actually moved me down to the delivery floor he would have come sooner, but they didn't think I was far enough along (even though I was almost 7 cm by the time they took me down to the delivery floor). I was not happy.

Our son was born at 1 pm and my mom and husband were allowed to stay until 8 at night, then had to go home, and he couldn't come back until 9 or 10 the next morning. Short of a private room (and even then he may not be allowed to stay) you have no choice. One of he women in my recovery ward came in at 11:30 pm and her husband literally had to say goodbye and leave, and this was probably 2 hours after she had their baby.

This was extremely similar to mine. I was induced at 6pm at night, and DH had to leave the antenatal ward at 8:30pm. I started having contractions at around 11pm. The midwives said I couldn't have DH or my doual come until I was transferred to the labor ward and was in "active labor." It sucked. But 3:30am, I was having contractions 3 minutes apart and they were pretty intense. The midwives wouldn't even do an internal "until morning," which pissed me off because they had no idea how dilated I was. I labored completely alone, walking the halls of a dark ward for hours and hours, and spent a lot of time strapped to the heart rate monitors.

The midwives changed shifts at around 7am, and one of the new midwives was super nice. She stayed with me and realized that I was in active labor. She also noticed the heart rate monitors were really erratic and called an OB to check them out. Within 20 minutes, I was being transferred to the labor ward. It wasn't time for "visiting hours," but I was sick of the crap and called my husband. Luckily we lived close to the hospital, as I was going in for an emergency c-section an hour later. Our baby was born at 9:32am, and my husband was with me the whole time I was on the labor ward and during the c-section. My doula lived farther away, and made it just as we were coming out of surgery. So...complete waste of money hiring her, unfortunately.

After that, I was transferred to the postnatal ward. It was a shared room with five other ladies and their babies. Visiting hours ended at 8:30pm and DH had to leave. I was on my own to take care of the baby all night. The first night was really rough, as I was still recovering from surgery and had a catheter and stuff. Yet, I was still expected to get up and take the baby down the hall to change nappies, etc. It's all a bit of a blur, to be honest.

Honestly, not the greatest experience. I would be very adamant about your wishes and assertive about your husband being there. I had planned a natural water birth at the midwife center, but my plans went to hell after I failed to go into labor naturally and had to be induced just over 42 weeks. I am sure it would've been an entirely different experience if I hadn't had to be induced.