LDRs - pain and coping strategies?

Hi all,

Met my Oregon-based GF on an online game on Facebook in March, got chatting on Yahoo in June, began Skyping in August, met in London for a weekend in mid-September, flew out to meet her for 17 days in mid-November. The Oregon trip was to see if we got on and wanted to take it further, which we did. Now we have to suffer an extended absence 'til at least end of Jan or possibly end of Feb while we prepare for her arriving in Wales for an extended stay of 4-5 months on a visitor visa. That is another worry as we prepare documents and evidence that she will return rather than overstay. Until this happened (I was not looking for a relationship) I would not have considered an LDR nor believed in two people being destined to meet. But now I wouldn't / couldn't swap her for the world.

The advantage of an online relationship is that it removes the physical element from the relationship so you get to know each other far faster and deeper without sex distracting or taking focus - we didn't even really know what we looked like until we started Skyping.

The obvious disadvantages are the loneliness of separation from the one you love, the fear they'll meet someone else, the inability to hug when either is suffering, the time zone difference impacting upon windows to Skype or Yahoo.

Some days I'm okay ... I will think about her a lot but am okay. Other days are unbearable as the minutes grind away without her. Each day I have to tell myself it's another day nearer to our eventual reunion.

How do you cope with the pain or feelings of helplessness? What romantic things have you done via distance? Have you any tips for others in an LDR? What are the pitfalls and how do you avoid them, such as insecurity etc?

You're off to a good start using Skype.  We also made each other mixed CDs, watched the same movie simultaneously while on skype, played scrabble online, wrote lots of letters, and he sent me flowers.

It's hard but as long as you keep communicating you can make it!

Before I moved to be with my BF(now hubby), we used to talk everyday. Good communication is key to feeling less anxious and lonely, emails, skyping, whatever works best for you. We used to write letters the old fashioned way as well.

Staying positive is sometimes really hard, I used to write in a journal when I was feeling particularly low or lonely, it helped me to let stuff out and I felt better afterwards. Might be something to try?

I was in an LDR in the days before Skype and cheap phone calls! It used to cost about 70cents a minute to talk on the phone...but, I found it was the most exciting time of my life. I made sure that I had my own life, my own friends, and did my own thing, he did exact same thing, went out with his friends, lead his own life...this made being together exciting, the saying goodbye exciting, and anticipation of being together exciting....and of course, reunion sex. Nothing like it.

Anywho...14 years down the line, two kids and a mortgage, thinking back on that time sends a real shiver down my spine. I just remember how special everything was. Enjoy the time you spend together, and try to enjoy the time apart.

My husband and I used to try to Skype once a week when I was back in the states, that was really hard when we were both working though because he would have to stay up late due to the time difference.

One thing I really enjoyed is that we also had a message thread on FB going where we would message each other once a day at least, just to kind of chat about how our day had been.  So even if I didn't get to Skype with him, I was able to at least read a message from him.

It's hard, it's good to have a goal to think about to keep positive too.  Like we would try and plan when our next trip to see each other would be.

I think it's also important that you keep busy with work, going out with friends, doing things you enjoy, etc.  When you're occupied, it's a lot harder to feel lonely.

We'd Skype running even if we had other things to be getting on with, just knowing you always could say hello was a huge help.

Planning the next visit is always lots of fun too... You don't even need to stick to the plans

I reckon couples that did start out with an LDR often have the advantage of developing good communication. It's probably natural to feel insecure sometimes. Try to be reassuring, especially with things like parties. You don't want your other half worrying at home till they hear from you, the long distance can play tricks on even a trusting couple IMO.

Also, it's worth it in the end Stick with it!

I don't really have much to add to what's already been suggested, but wanted to chime in to say I completely understand. My Mancunian boyfriend and I have been in love (officially  ) since August, but first grew to be very close friends not long after meeting on Twitter in October '09. My days don't feel complete without being able to Skype with him at least once a day.

The time difference is a challenge, but we've started keeping Google calendars that we've shared with each other, so it's easy to see open time slots and take advantage of them. The layout is really nice, and we don't have to spend as much time translating from (or just qualifying statements with) "my time" or "your time."

We both have iPhones, and use "WhatsApp," which is a text message simulator, except works over the internet instead of through our carriers, so it's only the cost of the app. There's nothing more exciting than exchanging a series of text message with him when we're not able to have a conversation (i.e. at the office or in class). If you don't have iPhones, but maybe some other smartphone, I'm sure there's a similar app.

When we have good chunks of time, we'll read to each other - we've worked our way through whole novels and textbooks this way. We share interests -- but different levels of expertise -- in science, philosophy and literature, so the vigorous discussions that we have and the things we learn from each other can make it feel like we're across a table from each other, rather than an ocean and a continent apart. I know it's already been said, but I also really love synchronized film-watching. It's just another thing to share and talk about.

Sometimes, though, my favorite times are when we're both working at home (I telecommute and he does independent web design), and we're on skype, listening to each other type away. I can pretend we're working in the same room. The silence is very comfortable and familiar, but it's wonderful to know if I have something to say, he's there to hear it.

This may sound a bit creepy, but on the weekends, when it doesn't matter if his phone battery drains before morning, we'll stay on the phone (Skype on iPhone) until he falls asleep. Then I read while I listen to him sleeping. I can imagine I'm laying next to him.

It involves a lot of imagination sometimes, but the time we spend feels really intimate and is a taste of the future where we're finally together. I miss him more than anything when we're not "together" (able to talk in some way), and it's not easy, but the time I get to spend with him is always the best part of my day.

Hey! I have been in a LDR since August 2009 and we too met on line playing a FB game!!! lol And...it is the strongest relationship I have ever been in and we are engaged to be married this year (as soon as I complete my fiancee visa and convince the UK to accept me....lol)

We were lucky this year to have spent 5 months together off and on...but are now seperated from this past Oct thru hopefully only March.  And all the prior posts are so correct...it is all about daily communication...SKYPE and Messenger on my Blackberry are my lifelines.  We play games online with Messenger all the time and watch tv together...we even plan dates! and have simulated date nights....like eating at our fave pub or picnics...whatever it takes to keep our spirits up. It is hard but the rewards are so GREAT!

Beware on the visitor visa! Make sure you are very thorough and very complete. My fiancee' was denied on the grounds he did not have enough ties to the UK to visit the US for 6 months...and he owns a house! But he is selfemployed so obviously that was a red flag!!! Just ask for alot of advice BEFORE you apply and make sure all is perfect!

Good Luck...and hope you both get together real soon!!!! oh...and I LOVE WALES!!! so, great place to get a visitor's visa...We will live in Newent outside Gloucester and oh so close to Wales....lol

Tracy

Hey! I have been in a LDR since August 2009 and we too met on line playing a FB game!!! lol And...it is the strongest relationship I have ever been in and we are engaged to be married this year (as soon as I complete my fiancee visa and convince the UK to accept me....lol)

We were lucky this year to have spent 5 months together off and on...but are now seperated from this past Oct thru hopefully only March.  And all the prior posts are so correct...it is all about daily communication...SKYPE and Messenger on my Blackberry are my lifelines.  We play games online with Messenger all the time and watch tv together...we even plan dates! and have simulated date nights....like eating at our fave pub or picnics...whatever it takes to keep our spirits up. It is hard but the rewards are so GREAT!

Beware on the visitor visa! Make sure you are very thorough and very complete. My fiancee' was denied on the grounds he did not have enough ties to the UK to visit the US for 6 months...and he owns a house! But he is selfemployed so obviously that was a red flag!!! Just ask for alot of advice BEFORE you apply and make sure all is perfect!

Good Luck...and hope you both get together real soon!!!! oh...and I LOVE WALES!!! so, great place to get a visitor's visa...We will live in Newent outside Gloucester and oh so close to Wales....lol

Tracy

Hi Tracy

Did your bf apply for a Visa before he left to visit you in the US?? As the US doesn't allow people to stay there for 6 months like the UK can allow....on a B-2 Tourist Visa on a single entry it's only 1 month...

Well I haven't done the long distance between countries thing - but I did have a LDR at one time in my life, in which my then BF (now ex) was living 1500 miles away

And well I have to agree with just about everything Racheee says

but, I found it was the most exciting time of my life. I made sure that I had my own life, my own friends, and did my own thing, he did exact same thing, went out with his friends, lead his own life...this made being together exciting, the saying goodbye exciting, and anticipation of being together exciting....and of course, reunion sex. Nothing like it.

Oh how fun- one time I surprised him by showing up for a special event for long weekend- I tricked him- I even called him about an hour before I saw him- and made the conversation sound like I was going about my normal business- little did he realise I was only down the hall! That made for a really good weekend and an even better reunion sex weekend!! 

And it was the little things that were so meaningful- random flowers or gifts sent to each other- Hand written cards- Pictures of me out and about/vice versa- random phone calls that weren't expected, etc.   Oh it was sure a great and fun relationship!!

(My then BF came to live with me eventually, we lived together for 3 years (together for a total of 5).  Unforunately for me, he came to resent the fact that "he moved for me" and it made things (amongst many myriad of reasons) unbearable in our relationship and we split up.  Now I'm happy to report that doesn't seem to happen to too many of our members on here, mine was just a relationship breakdown that was for many reasons!!)

Anyways, have fun and just enjoy it. I know immigration does monkey wrench things that I didn't have to deal with in my relationship, but there are still ways to make it fun and interesting!