mother at home had a "mild" stroke!?

This is my first post here - I have been reading around today and this seems like such a nice community. Sorry to unload a big one from the beginning. I've been in the UK for 4 years now and it's been more or less smooth sailing. The UK has become my new home, but suddenly I feel like I'm.. abroad.. again.

A few days ago, I got a call from my mother (in the US) explaining she had just had a TIA (a transient form of mild stroke with no lasting damage). A day later I get a call saying it wasn't a TIA, and it turns out an MRI scan had shown some minor permanent damage on the scan, so it was actually a proper stroke. Mild, but still! My mother claims she's fine and that her biggest problem is the hospital food, but when problems are big she tends to minimize things. She sounded a bit confused on the phone to me, and on further questioning she admitted they still haven't been able to discharge her from hospital because her heart starts racing when she gets up to walk. Months ago, we had planned for her to visit me for Thanksgiving, but according to doctor's orders she should not be flying for a while.

Now, the reason we had originally made these Thanksgiving arrangements is that although my mother and I love each other very much, we get a little crazy when we're together especially around Christmas. When I visit her in the US we fight constantly, but we've discovered that when we travel or when she visits me we get along better. So we try to see each other at least twice yearly on holiday or in the UK, but not at Christmas. It's been a while since I last saw her, and given current circumstances I miss her more than ever. I feel so far away! But I'm not sure how to arrange for us to see each other. Is it sensible for me to drop everything and fly to see her for such a mild stroke? If not now, when is a sensible time for me to fly to the US? I was planning to take time off from work and travel elsewhere for Christmas with my British partner and other extended family, but now that my mother can't fly I worry about her spending it alone and I am considering changing my plans to visit her... even though I also worry about our propensity to argue over Christmas if I visit her then.

Despite much reassurance, I can't help but be so worried about her. Not only for how bad it might actually be, but also her increased risk of a more serious stroke in future. I don't know how reasonable this is, but I still worry. I should mention that I'm an only child, my father sadly passed away several years ago, and although she has many good friends in her town she has no family within driving distance. She has a few wonderful friends currently visiting her at hospital, and they are ready to stay at home with her for the first week or so after she gets discharged. I am very grateful for them, but I worry about who will care for my mother in the longer term, too. I just feel a little overwhelmed and so completely far away.

Thanks for reading my ramble. Any thoughts about what to do or similar stories shared would be so very much appreciated.

Hi Psychswot, I just flew back to the states to be with my ailing mother so I completely understand what you're going through.  In my case, the decision maker to leave the UK was speaking to the nurses and my sister.  The nurses should be able to give you pretty good information, and your mother's friends also can let you know if you *need* to be there. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It's a nightmare being so far away from loved ones when things aren't going well.  Try and be kind to yourself, you're doing your very best.  And also, welcome to UKY- this is a lovely community. 

Thanks so much, Sarah. I think I might have to have an honest conversation with some of her friends at home who know her best. My discussions with my mother of:

Me: "When can I come see you?"
Her: "I'm fine and you're busy! But if you want you can visit any time. When do you want to visit me?"
Me: "Any time, I can change my plans, but I want to come when is convenient for you. When do you want to be visited?"
Her: "Any time, but really I'm fine...."

..ad nauseam is not very productive.

We had decided to wait until she gets discharged from hospital to make holiday plans, but her discharge date keeps getting postponed. First next day, then a day or two more, and yesterday they said Thursday...

Oh I am really sorry to hear of this. It makes the distance so difficult.  (((hugs)))

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you are in such a difficult position and I hope you are able to come to the decision that works best for all of you!

So sorry for your predicament, PS. I was an "only" too (as was my husband -- double whammy!) so I know what you must be feeling.  My mum used to say if anything "happens" don't worry about us -- get on with your own life. But by the time they were in their 80's and ailing it got very tricky. Seemed like I was flying back and forth quite regularly and that was very hard. And I felt guilty because my aunt and cousins were bearing the brunt of these medical emergencies.
But you just have to do what you think is "right". Try to get a realistic assessment of your mum's condition from the medical people. You may decide at the end of the day to pop over and see how things are yourself. May not turn out to be as bad as you fear. I hope not!

I could have written this about a year and a half ago with minor changes (not an only child, what was thought to be a stroke turned out to be sepsis--and again about six months later).   I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and it seems to be happening a lot around here.  Honestly, asking the friend might be the best suggestion.

Hoping for the best for you and your mom.

Thanks you very much again for your kind replies.

Argh. Speaking to the friend is just like speaking to my mother indirectly. I am certain my mother has told her what to say.

I also just spoke to my mother again today. I told her I have decided to pop over and see how it is for myself (good idea, BostonDiner!). I told my mother that I feel bad she can't come for Thanksgiving and I really wanted to see her then so I'm just coming to her instead of the other way around. When I told her I was coming, instead of asking her if I should come, she seemed relieved and happy - as if before she wasn't sure I wanted to come at all in the first place (but I do!). So I think this is a good decision. It will be expensive, but given the circumstances, I think it will be worth it just to see her.

I'm off to look at tickets. 

Good to hear that you've come to a decision.  I would call and talk to her nurse.  I talked to my mom's nurse about 20 times, and it was she that convinced me to come over.  The nurses totally know what's up.

  The nurses totally know what's up.

Absolutely! Sounds like a good decision. Hope it goes well.