Hello Everyone - an LDR classic!

I'm not an American living in the UK but rather a Brit living in the UK and looking to move (and marry) to the USA to be with my girlfriend who lives in NY.

I would post on British Expats but I prefer the more "friendly" nature of this site and it's posters.

I wanted to "air" our story so far so here goes. I was relocating to NY for work earlier in the year and happened to browse members in NY on Match.com - before they sold the UK side to Meetic and split the databases. I bumped into a girl who I really liked, we chatted initially via e-mail on Match.com and then via Yahoo IM and finally on the phone. We hit it off on so many levels that we decided to meet when I came to NY a few weeks later. We kept chatting but I noticed she became "colder" with me over time, she wasn't on YIM as much and cited work being busy as a reason she couldn't talk so much in the daytime any more. Being a seasoned Internet Dater I recognised that something had changed until she finally said that she'd gone on a date with someone and hit it off. As a result she didn't want to meet me when I arrived. She said it wouldn't e fair to the guy she was now "dating" which is fair enough and shows integrity as far as I am concerned. I was really devastated by the news as this girl more than any online had created such an impression with me.

I went to NY and did a lot of Internet Dating but always wondered about her and how she was getting on. I rarely logged into YIM anymore and I never saw her online when I did. In a strange twist I later discovered that the office where she works is about a 30 second walk from my hotel. We even frequented the same Duane Reade and Deli. I eventually got called back to the UK after 3 months and said goodbye to NY for the time being.

Out of the blue in June of this year I get an e-mail from the said girl, I was working in Singapore at the time. At first I thought it was one of those "spam" e-mails you get when someones MSN or YIM has been hacked and almost deleted it without opening it. Curiosity got the better of me and it was a legit e-mail from her. I guessed at this point that something had gone wrong with the guy she'd started dating - infact they'd split up a month earlier. We got chatting again and I thought I'd strike while the iron was hot and flew to NY one weekend early in July. I told her I was there for work but in reality I was there to see her, I didn't want her to get "spooked" by the gesture of spending 14 hours in the air to spend 48 hours with her. We met and we really hit it off in person. I've been making excuses ever since to get over there and to date we've spent around 3 months of time with each other. I am returning to NY tomorrow infact and we'll spend Christmas together. Infact the most time we've spent apart in the last 5 months is 3 weeks.

Our time together has been very intense, nothing concentrates the mind more than only spending a weekend with someone. We've got to know each other so well over the past few months due to extensive e-mail, telephone calls and face to face time. I've met her family and friends and all in the garden is rosy in that respect. Last week she came to the UK to meet some of my friends and family, that also went well.

Originally the company I work for was going to petition for my L1 Visa but since then the company has changed plans and it is no longer an option. We both realised that the only viable way to spend more time with each other was for one of us to relocate and get married. We started to look into the K1 paperwork and we completed the I-129F documentation but have yet to submit it. (I forgot to mention in all of this that I proposed to her!) I volunteered to relocate mainly because I have a much smaller family than her plus I'm coming to a crossroads in my career. Also over the last 20 years I've spent a lot of time in the USA so it's not such a culture shock for me.

I'm 40 and never been married before, I've not even contemplated getting married previously. She's slightly younger and also been single for a while, like most of the girls I've bumped into in Manhattan. Like me she's never been married.

Now I'm looking down the barrel of the K1 Visa process which can take anything up to 8 months with a lovely interview at the US Embassy in London to top it all off.

I suspect that my situation is not that different from most people who have met in this manner and I have my fair share of concerns:

We both love each other but are we jumping into this too quickly?
Am I doing the right thing?
Is this just just a crazy thing to relocate to the other side of the world?
Am I too old for this? (I don't feel it)
What if my feelings change while we're waiting for the K1 Visa process to complete?
Will I integrate and find my own friends/social circle?
Will I be able to find a job? (Not that I need to worry too much initially as I have more than enough savings for a year or two)
How on earth will we cope with the separation during the K1 Visa process?

I've lived abroad before when I was much younger, I learned the language and slowly began to like living there - it took a good 2 years before that was the case however. I guess I'm at a crossroad in my life, I can continue the way it has been for the last 10 years i.e. very corporate and professional, forsaking my personal life for my career .. or take a chance and opt for the unknown/adventurous route and not purchase a motorcycle like any other man in a mid-life crisis!

If anyone identifies with my points or has any comments then I'd love to hear them!

Thanks.

Welcome to the forum!  I don't have any easy answers to any of your questions - those sort of things all tend to be so individual.

Many of us on here are here partly because the UK visa process (for spouses) is relatively so much easier & quicker to come over here, than for people here in the UK trying to go over to the US - as you are finding out.

I moved to the UK the year I turned 40 years old to marry my English guy.  We originally met online & dated in real life for a year before we made our decision - having spent a total of nine weeks together over the course of that year.  And we've been happily married now for about 6 1/2 years.  So these things can & do work out.

Your mileage may vary.  Good luck!  

Welcome to the forum!  I don't have any easy answers to any of your questions - those sort of things all tend to be so individual.

Many of us on here are here partly because the UK visa process (for spouses) is relatively so much easier & quicker to come over here, than for people here in the UK trying to go over to the US - as you are finding out.

I moved to the UK the year I turned 40 years old to marry my English guy.  We originally met online & dated in real life for a year before we made our decision - having spent a total of nine weeks together over the course of that year.  And we've been happily married now for about 6 1/2 years.  So these things can & do work out.

Your mileage may vary.  Good luck!  

Thanks for the welcome!

I suppose one of my concerns is the fact that logic dictates that I should try and keep the "dating" process going so that I can be sure of my feelings but there's a part of me that can't bear to be apart from her - and vice versa. We've been in a luxurious position for the last 5 months due to the fact that I travel to NY often for work and that I have a tonne of holiday time and miles on Continental! I imagine it's a dilemma quite a few people have faced.

I have a friend who says I shouldn't worry too much as I can always come back if it doesn't work out but I'd like to think (being a bit traditional) that if I get married, it's for life. My girlfriend has mentioned that she'd like to spend some time in the UK at some point but so far any plans are vague.

Well you might be keeping the dating process going - just purely by virtue of the fact that you're going to be waiting awhile on the US visa process.

My husband & I (when we were dating) took it in turns - he first came over to the US, then I came over here, and so on throughout the year.  We also took advantage of those visits to travel around a bit as time permitted, so each got to see a little bit of each other's countries.  It helped us form a clearer idea of where we wanted to settle, for one thing - and gave us both a chance for exposure to the other's culture...although being on holiday somewhere is definitely not the same as living there long-term, lol!

I came over to live with him here on the 6-month fiancée visa, whereby we planned to marry (and did) before the conclusion of the 6 months.  But we also acknowledged that had something gone horribly awry (or had any unanticipated problems arisen) leading up to our marriage plans, I could have returned to the US during that time as well.  Fortunately, things worked out!

I had been married before, but my husband had not been.

Well you might be keeping the dating process going - just purely by virtue of the fact that you're going to be waiting awhile on the US visa process.

My husband & I (when we were dating) took it in turns - he first came over to the US, then I came over here, and so on throughout the year.  We also took advantage of those visits to travel around a bit as time permitted, so each got to see a little bit of each other's countries.  It helped us form a clearer idea of where we wanted to settle, for one thing - and gave us both a chance for exposure to the other's culture...although being on holiday somewhere is definitely not the same as living there long-term, lol!

I came over to live with him here on the 6-month fiancée visa, whereby we planned to marry (and did) before the conclusion of the 6 months.  But we also acknowledged that had something gone horribly awry (or had any unanticipated problems arisen) leading up to our marriage plans, I could have returned to the US during that time as well.  Fortunately, things worked out!

I had been married before, but my husband has not been.

She came to the UK for the first time 10 days ago, we did all the tourist things as a result! I always maintain that if you can go on holiday with someone without arguing or breaking up then it's a good sign!

You're right, the "dating" process will continue while we wait for the K1 process. Her only complaint so far is that it all seems a little clinical, especially when we went through the documentation requirements. I tend to labour under the mantra of nothing good is ever easy to get.

  I always maintain that if you can go on holiday with someone without arguing or breaking up then it's a good sign! 

Agreed!  That was a big thing for us, because we both love to travel, so if we couldn't have done so amicably, it would have been a huge deal breaker.  We have since had so many mis-adventures, it's a strength that has served us well.

All the best to you.

We both love each other but are we jumping into this too quickly?
Seize the day..

Am I doing the right thing?
50/50, but even if it goes to hell in a handcart it'll be an adventure. Be careful of having kids tho.....

Is this just just a crazy thing to relocate to the other side of the world?
I think it should be required.

Am I too old for this? (I don't feel it)
No way. If you are like me the experience would be wasted on a younger self.

What if my feelings change while we're waiting for the K1 Visa process to complete?
Well now if you are feeling iffy....

Will I integrate and find my own friends/social circle?
Americans love Brits....if anything you will feel slightly annoyed at the over-attention.

Will I be able to find a job? (Not that I need to worry too much initially as I have more than enough savings for a year or two)
Can't help here.

How on earth will we cope with the separation during the K1 Visa process?
Your passions will have reached a fevered pitch by the time you meet.

I agree with Mrs. R. that only you can answer your own questions.  My dh before we got married, we met while I was here for 3 months studying and we were only friends.  I came to visit in December after we hadn't seen each other in a year, we decided to get married.  He came for three weeks to meet my parents and then I moved and got married.  Many of my friends and family thought I was crazy, but I thought I knew what I was doing and it turned out really well for me.  I had just turned 24 when I did this so I can't speak about age.  Getting a job is key to finding your own social group.  It took me about 2 or 2 and half years to really find my feet, but now I am very happy. 

All the best with your move and your visa.  I hope you and your other half are very happy together when it is all said and done. 

Hello,

I just wanted to share a litle bit of my experience in hopes of it helping you with some of your questions and or any doubt that may be going through your mind.

I am from a small town in MN, I went through a divorce that my family did NOT approve of and started to live my life for myself...I met my now husband on the internet through a radio stations website that we had a mutual friend on..we began having our LDR, it was wonderful in the fact you spend so much time actually TALKING with your partner cos you are unable to see one another in person, so therefor, I believe it is actually a better way to get to know someone in a short period of time. and yes, it really kind of comes to the decision rather quicky to marry and who is going to relocate. In our case, I was able to travel more to England as my job allowed me more time off and freedom than his, and the expense of the travel was great and it becomes so heart wrenching to say goodbye. So , you are well aware of all that I am sure, my point is...It is ok, people will try to tell you that you are crazy, and how well do you know this person, what if this and what if that.... blah blah, I have heard it all. I CONSTANTLY had to defend my decisions to my friends and family and got SO much grief for it. In the end I stayed true to my heart and I knew it was going to be a change, and even now I get depressed and lonely...but I wouldn't give up the love that I found for anything. I am a stronger person for it, I made my mind and have stuck it thru. Basically what I am trying to say, don't let fear or other peoples opinions make your decisions. Know that there are going to be hard times, that is normal, but you know deep in your heart you love her.... and love will find a way 

Hope that helps, sorry to ramble on!

I've been hacked! I didn't post that!

Wait I did post that, just forgot it....

/mind is going....