The (evil) ex-wife...how much interaction is necessary?

I sort of disagree, there. And it is quite unfair to say that she can't judge bad parenting because she doesn't have children. Lots of "parents" can't judge parenting.  You don't know what her situation is or the extent of what has happened - tainted ex husband's view or not.

I wouldn't want to sit with my husband's ex and hash out what's expected.  That just puts the stamp on there, that there is an issue and gets it out there for the ex to know that you are uncomfortable.  I came here to be with my husband and (when they are with us) the children.  He deals with the ex first and foremost. WE discuss how WE want to deal with issues that come up, and then he communicates it.  That's where the connection is, that's where it should stay. sorry, but at the end of the day. I am STILL, not here for the purposes of being her friend. I'm here for my husband.

That said...

I agree that you should get the meeting out of the way.  I knew all of the horror stories from my husband and the family and yes, my view was tainted.  But I basically said to myself "how is she treating ME?"  "I can't view her in the way they do, or moan about her the way they do when I haven't been 'in the line of fire' so to speak."  "She's been nothing but nice to me and loves the fact that i'm here and with the kids."

So I was civil and cordial and had lunch with her a couple of times and phone calls.   The results were two-fold:
1.  I saw her actions myself and now have my view of her based on what *I* experienced.
2.  I have my views based on how it affects my husband and the children in our home.

I am still polite and friendly now.  I accept she's not a happy person and has a more than a few screws loose.  It is what it is.  I keep hoping she will find what makes her settled and happy.

I will, however, not take any bull that crosses over my doorstep because of her doing.  And if I need to tell her, I do. But i get very creative with it but very no nonsense.  Because, again. the WHOLE point is to make sure those children are happy.  And that your life with your husband isn't a living hell because of it.

Any any case, it does take time.  We hit bumps on the road on this, but we worked it out. You and your husband just need to have that trust.

Ooh Ooh me! I can soooooo swap those stories too!!!

I call her the egg donor  

My brothers sometimes refer to my ex as my "donor."  

As for me, I'm an ex-wife and never wanted a bit of contact with him that was not necessary.  

You say you've never met her.  Any relationship she has with you will be different than what she has with her ex.  God only knows what my ex has said about me.  You may find out that some of it may be exaggerated, or otherwise inaccurate.  I can't say what she is or isn't, but you're getting most of your information from someone who has a lot of bad feelings about her.  I don't blame you for feeling a bit cautious, but how she interacts with you will be different than how she acts with her ex.  

All three of you already have one thing in common (or should):  You want the best for the little girl.  Tread carefully, but civilly, and learn "the lay of the land" firsthand.  I agree with not badmouthing the woman within earshot of her child.

I think LuckyGirl 11 and Sheriam made excellent posts.  

Thanks everyone.  Oddly enough, my guy is very friendly with her.  He stays for a cup of tea, discusses everything (including me, ugh!), etc.  He says he does it to keep things civil.  I don't want that kind of relationship with her though.  Quite honestly, I didn't have a child with her, he did. 

Oh well.  I'll try to keep my interaction at a minimum.  And cross my fingers that she doesn't make my life miserable.  If she does, it'll be the first flight back to the US. 

Thanks again.

Thanks everyone.  Oddly enough, my guy is very friendly with her.  He stays for a cup of tea, discusses everything (including me, ugh!), etc.  He says he does it to keep things civil.  I don't want that kind of relationship with her though.  Quite honestly, I didn't have a child with her, he did. 

Oh well.  I'll try to keep my interaction at a minimum.  And cross my fingers that she doesn't make my life miserable.  If she does, it'll be the first flight back to the US. 

Thanks again.

Its sometimes uncomfortable to think they may actually be able to have a friendship on some level.  My husband bends over backwards at some points, even though he'd rather never see her again.  Why?  The kids. 

On one hand, please try to keep this in mind should you start getting frustrated.
On the other hand, don't let it push you into areas where you feel uncomfortable.  She's in his life for a long time, even though they are ex's.  But that doesn't mean you have to be subjected to things you don't feel comfortable with.

If his "discussing" you makes you feel uncomfortable, ask him to please, keep discussions about you to a minimum. Affirm that you understand that he is doing it to keep the peace and give him props for it - because he's doing it to stay in his daughter's life - but ask that he keep any discussion about you and your relationship together, to light and generalized conversations, because YOU feel uncomfortable at this point in time (you may want to stress 'at this point in time').  He should respect that.

My husband discussed me with his ex many a time.  And yes, she's going to pry. She's human, she'll want to know what you are like, and if he is more smitten with you than he was with her (we all do it on some level). But when she tried to get more detailed, he was just vague.  One time right as I was cooking the egg donor said my to my husband "oh, you traded up on the cooking as well!" trying to fish out if I was a better cook than she was.  My husband just said "Its not about being better...its just different." and left it at that.  (the egg donor likes to fish and fish until she finds something that upsets her, and then has trouble getting over it, so we don't give her ammunition).

Listen, you may end up being friends at some point. You may not. She may change, you may change.  My godmother and my uncles first wife were silently at each other's throats for DECADES.  And now they are best friends.  You just never know.

Good luck! 

Jess,
 I’m seeing some major red flags in your posts and I really think you should stop and evaluate whether this relationship is really going to work out. This is the second post in which you say something along the lines of running back home to America if things don’t work out because of the child (and now the EX), if you are so quick to pull out the “I’ll go home” card I’ve got to ask, why in the world are you pursuing this relationship when you’re willing to go back home if the kid and her mom are too much for you? What level of commitment do you have to this relationship if you’re so willing to run away the moment you guys have issues?
Also, and I hate to break this to you, but you decided to have a child with her the moment you started dating her ex-husband. The little girl is part of the package deal you signed up for, and you get both the good and the bad that comes with that.

My boyfriend was married for ten years and has two girls with his Ex, he absolutely loathes her, and on occasion says things like “when the girls are a few years older we won’t have to deal with her”, and I’m sure he would love for that to be the case, heck I think he would love it if she got sucked into a black hole and was never heard from again! I keep telling him that just because the girls will be older that does not mean that their mother goes away, until either he or she die they will forever be a part of each other’s lives. There will be graduations, weddings, and grandchildren someday and she will be around and will have to be dealt with every step of the way.

You have to get used to the idea that this woman is always going to be there, and so will her child and you have to find a way to deal with it, however I think that in some ways you resent the fact that he has a child and an ex, I think that this will cause you severe problems in the future, especially if you are so quick to run when things don’t go your way.

You have to get used to the idea that this woman is always going to be there, and so will her child and you have to find a way to deal with it, however I think that in some ways you resent the fact that he has a child and an ex, I think that this will cause you severe problems in the future, especially if you are so quick to run when things don’t go your way.

I appreciate the concern, but I don't run away from anything.  I was kidding.  If you knew me personally, you'd know I actually have a record of staying too long in relationships that aren't working....not the opposite.  In the past, it took me awhile to realize you can't "fix" people. 

Anyway, I was just trying to get an idea of what I'm getting myself into and what kind of relationship is reasonable to expect when dealing with his ex-wife.  Do I wish she didn't exist?  Of course...it would make life easier.  I don't think anyone  intentionally tries to add more drama and complications to their relationship.  So although I wouldn't intentionally choose someone with kids and an ex-wife, if it turns out that way, then it does.  But I still think she's evil.