Torn about when to start trying for a baby

Wow, emmylou! You think we are nearly living parallel lives!
Iceland and Japan were my two "travelling milestone", and we are also living in a tiny one bedroom flat (which we bought a year ago) and are in the middle of renovating. It would be financially logical to live here for as long as possible, as the property market isn't exactly booming... and I'm sure having kids would force the move sooner than we would like.

Both of my little sister's pregnancies were a "surprise". But she decided she is not having anymore and is sad that she "won't be able to experience finding out she is pregnant and not breaking down in tears". She was newly married with the first pregnancy and had just repatriated back to the states after finding out about the second... neither were ideal times to be pregnant for her. But she says she is still happy that she didn't have to make the decision of when to have them, or go through the anxiety and stress of trying to get pregnant. So I guess it's swings and roundabouts.. as they say.

I currently have quite good maternity leave: 6 month full pay, 3 months statutory.. and this could change depending on my funding source. So again, another head trying to rule over heart issue.

So yeah.. I feel you on so many levels. I'm just glad there are others in the same boat as me!

After to speaking to a few people about this, who have all been so supportive about the PhD, I think I'm going to let both the heart and the head rule. My husband says to go for both. I know it's making things harder, but I was never one to take the easy route anyways. I'll let fate play it's role while I'm off pursing what I want out of life.

Wow, I say go for both, it all sounds really exciting!

It sounds like you're in a great position to be able to handle both at once: you already work in the lab and you know what you're in for so that will make the transition to phd easier; you'll be able to get maternity leave and you might have the flexibility of going back part time.  Plus, when is it ever going to be the perfect time?  If you postpone the baby for the phd, then what happens after the phd?  You might be doing a postdoc or settling into a new career.

Phds are a hard slog, but it sounds like you have the maturity to handle it.  I'm coming to the end of my phd now, and the thing that's hardest for me is not the intellectual challenge or the number of hours you have to work, but the perseverance required to see it through.  In fact, although you have to work hard for a phd, I don't think you need to work more than full time hours to get it done.  A lot of people do, because they are young and single and have no other commitments.  But I don't think it's necessary as long as you are productive while you are at work, and have the flexibility to occasionally come in on the weekend or in the evening to keep an experiment ticking over.  In fact, being a student can be a bonus in terms of the extra flexibility you have in choosing your own hours. 

There are three women in my lab who have had babies in the past couple of years, and they are doing fine.  In some ways, I think it might be beneficial to have a family while you're doing a phd, because it forces you to maintain balance in your life.  I can guarantee there will be times during your phd when you think "why the hell am I doing this?".  If you have postponed having a baby, you might also be thinking "I can't believe I put my life on hold for this".  But if you have a baby, you might think "In the bigger pictures, life is good and I have a beautiful family waiting for me at home".

That's a beautifully insightful post Hobnob. I also appreciate the vote of confidence. I've been an RA for 5 years now, so I think I know what I'm getting myself into (even if you one is never truly capable of understanding how hard it is until they are actually doing it).

I have to say I really appreciate how encouraging everyone has been. This idea started as a tiny apprehensive little "what if" in my heart, and has evolved into a strong defiant "I can" in my head. I attribute that to every one of the responses here and the surprising positivity I've received from friends and family.

I will definitely keep you guys informed of what happens next.

Hi across!

Your post really resonated with me as well.  I just turned 33 and I'm in the 4th year of a part time PhD (I work at a university full time).  I was once in your position and I chose to stay on birth control until I finished my PhD (still not finished but am considering coming off the pill!).  I suppose the things that I'd be thinking about are very practical.

Would the PhD be part of the job you're in now (similar to my current position - I'm working full time and the PhD is just sort of a 'perk' that I'm expected to do in my own time- i.e. nights and weekends) or once you get the funding would you become a full blown student?  If you have to work and do the PhD in your spare time, I'd say that would be very difficult to do with a new baby.  I'm sure people have managed it before, but if you can avoid doing both, I say avoid doing both. I chose to delay starting a family, but on the plus side, I'm getting paid a salary to do a PhD that would have cost me a lot otherwise.

If you are going to become a full blown student where you get paid through funding (i.e. a stipend), and all you had to do was the PhD (ha! 'all you had to do'), it will also be difficult, but definitely doable.  A friend of mine took a year off to have her little one and she is doing well.  She came back part time and it is sometimes difficult for her to get back into her work only working a couple of days a week.  Although it works well for her becuase doing a PhD is so flexible and she can work from home or when the baby (who is now 4) is sleeping etc.  I suppose it might be different in a lab setting.   The downside is she doesn't get the full council tax reduction (and other perks) that a full time student would, and it will take her a lot longer to finish.  After 4 years of my PhD I'm sick of the sight of it so that might be something to consider!

If you stay in your current job without taking on the PhD, you'd have the  maternity benefits, which I'm assuming are pretty good at Oxford. If you become a full-time (or part-time) student, you might not get paid if you're on maternity leave.  I think my friend just didn't get funding while she was on her year off.  Then again, she had the flexibility to take an entire year off and come back when she was ready - so that's something to consider too.  For me, your best situation would be to get pregnant now while working full time in your job, make the most of the maternity benefits, then when you return become a full time student and do your PhD!

I am probably 3 months away from submitting my PhD and I'm tempted to go off the pill to see what happens.  I'm assuming it would take a few months to get pregnant anyway and it takes 9 months to have a baby, so this PhD better be finished by the time a baby arrives!  The problem for me is that we were hoping DH's job would transfer him to Canada, which we thought was going to hapen but is still up in the air.  Failing that plan, we were planning on moving back to the USA. Of course, with no jobs in place that would be difficult given the healthcare situation, especially if I was pregnant!  So if I did get pregnant in the near future, that would mean staying in the UK for longer.  I've been here nearly 8 years and am really starting to want to go home!  Not to mention the families- his will be devastated if we had a baby here and then moved away shortly after it was born, mine will be sad if I have a baby here and they can't come see it.  I know, no win situation so we just have to do what is right for us.  Practically, having a baby in the UK makes sense but I'm scared I'll be really sad/psychotic about not having my family around and that we'll end up staying forever instead of moving!! But then my biological clock keeps ticking and all of that. . . AHH!!! 

I know.  Overthinking it. probably a displacement activity instead of focusing on the PhD that is almost done. But it is really difficult!

Across, good luck with your decision/whatever happens.  I know it will all work out- these things always do!  Keep us posted! xxx

Thanks for your insight kowalsks. I think I will try to do the PhD (or DPhil as they call it in Oxford apparently) as a full time student. The option of doing it part time and continuing my job as an RA has been discussed, but I want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Having a baby while I'm working would be ideal, but unfortunately I could possibly have a time constraint with the job. My current contract is funded through core funding which ends in July 2012, so unless my PI gets the grant she has applied for to keep me on I wouldn't have long enough on my contract to have much maternity leave. Besides the fact that it's impossible to know how long it will take to get pregnant. I don't feel like I can put the rest of my life on hold on such an uncertain event!

I am probably 3 months away from submitting my PhD and I'm tempted to go off the pill to see what happens.  I'm assuming it would take a few months to get pregnant anyway and it takes 9 months to have a baby, so this PhD better be finished by the time a baby arrives!  The problem for me is that we were hoping DH's job would transfer him to Canada, which we thought was going to hapen but is still up in the air.  Failing that plan, we were planning on moving back to the USA. Of course, with no jobs in place that would be difficult given the healthcare situation, especially if I was pregnant!  So if I did get pregnant in the near future, that would mean staying in the UK for longer.  I've been here nearly 8 years and am really starting to want to go home!  Not to mention the families- his will be devastated if we had a baby here and then moved away shortly after it was born, mine will be sad if I have a baby here and they can't come see it.  I know, no win situation so we just have to do what is right for us.  Practically, having a baby in the UK makes sense but I'm scared I'll be really sad/psychotic about not having my family around and that we'll end up staying forever instead of moving!! But then my biological clock keeps ticking and all of that. . . AHH!!!  

I know my sister really struggled bringing up her first baby in the UK without my mum around. But now that she is on baby #2 back in the US, she's on this whole nostalgia kick about how romantic it is bringing up a baby in the UK (summer time walks through the parks in London, seaside breaks on the weekend etc). Her husband found a great job in the US pretty quickly, and his insurance is covering her pregnancy.

I've spent so much of my life trying to do what's practical... what makes the most sense. But, lately I've been trying to learn to just let go and live more in the moment rather then trying to plan for the future all the time. Like you say these things always work out.

Thanks for the show of support It's always scary to change your life so dramatically, especially when you are pretty happy with how things are ticking along. I used to set all these personal milestones that I wanted to do before I had kids.. travelling to certain places or having the right house. I honestly envy those who have "surprise" pregnancies. It takes all the worrying and stress out of making the decision!

I definitely feel this way. I've been considering it off and on for the last 2 years or so. I'm happy with the way things are, and love traveling and spending time with my husband (and sleeping in! ) but I'm 35 now, so I feel the clock ticking. It's easy to say that you want to wait until you get a promotion, or buy a house, or whatever, but my MIL says if you keep waiting until the time is right, you will never have one. There will always be another excuse - now that I have the promotion, I'd like to save x amount of money, etc. - and eventually time might just run out. All I can say is follow your heart! 

Jewlz- I think your MIL is right and there is an element of just having to do it! 

Across, sounds like you are coming up with a really good plan.   There have definitely been times where I wished I was doing my PhD full time instead of trying to do it in addition to work, and I have felt like my life has been on hold for a while. Good luck with the PhD and baby making!!      

PS I can relate to your sister! there are just too many pros/cons of each place!

It's easy to say that you want to wait until you get a promotion, or buy a house, or whatever, but my MIL says if you keep waiting until the time is right, you will never have one.

This is exactly how I feel! I think we will have to get into a position where we can buy a bigger place and then just go for it. However, if we all got pregnant tomorrow I'm sure everything would work out so why wait?