How do you let go?

Hi - I'm new to this site.  Well, any site really.  But I just couldn't get anyone around me to understand what I am going through.  So I'm hoping someone here can help.  I met an English gentleman about 8 1/2 years ago.  Last year we got married and I moved to England to be with him.  I've been in England now going on 10 months, however I am still getting extreme bouts of homesickness.  I was incredibly close to my family, especially my mother.  I lived in the same house in the same place my entire life.  Not to mention it was California, so the weather is something else I miss.  I cry a lot and find myself longing to go home.  My husband doesn't want to live in America, he's happy where he is.  He also doesn't understand why I'm so sad.  He feels like I have never actually made the decision to be with him and I prefer home (more to the point he feels like I require my mother for a place to feel like home). 

I just have no idea how to let go of a place I called home for 30 years.  Am I over reacting? Should this be easier?

First of all hello.

Have you read the other posts on homesickness here? You will see it is quite a common problem. You are right to ask people to talk to you about it. It can be very difficult and is like no other condition. Don't give up on your situation and feelings but it does take lots of soul-searching! Often it it just takes time. If you were simply not able to go back you would have to adapt and there are different ways people do that.

I hope folks on here can quickly support and advise you. I can't as I have never dealt with it as I am sick of home! My husband struggled with it off and on for almost three years and he was a very easy going steady person with little to no family in England. He was always busy with work and school and helping me so it had nothing to do with keeping occupied for him. It didn't help that he had zero knowledge of the US before he came over. I'm wondering if there are books on the subject as it would be similar to grieving and loss.

I wish you all the best in getting it sorted and you will!

Thanks Blahblah.  Just having someone to vent to I can see as being very helpful.  My husband loves me very much, I know this.  But he is extremely insecure when it comes to my homesickness.  I just can't talk to him about it without causing a fight.  I can't get it through his head that me missing home and the people I was close to (not to mention the things I was used to) has nothing to do with my feelings for him.  I'm not going to up and leave, though sometimes I admit I think about it...just because I miss home and the security that much.

I've read quite a few of the homesickness posts now.  It's good to know that I'm not the only one out there, but it is still so hard not to feel completely alone in this. 

Hi Lorelei. As blahblah said, it's an extremely common problem. I had spent several years here total on visits and during the tail end of my education, and coped just fine, but as soon as I moved here it was a different story completely. Like you, I am extremely close to my mom. She is my best friend and I miss her a lot. It was really hard for me when I first got here, but the both of us adapted... We talk on the phone almost every day, so that is a comfort.

Often it it just takes time. If you were simply not able to go back you would have to adapt and there are different ways people do that.

This makes a lot of sense to me. My homesickness wasn't so bad once I came to terms with the fact that I'm never moving back. (I was diagnosed with MS shortly after moving here, and long story short: my life would be too difficult if I moved back to the states.)

Anyway, I wish that I had some advice for you, but all I can really say is be kind to yourself! We have all been through this. 10 months is a short time in the great scheme of things. I would say that you should tell your husband that these are things that you just need to talk about and need to get out. Often, my husband gets upset because there is nothing that he can do about it when I'm homesick/depressed. He's a problem solver, so he wanted to fix it somehow. I had to explain to him that all I wanted was him to listen to my feelings and give me a cuddle when I'm upset. It is really important to be open and honest with each other!

Very good reply! Time is torture when you are unhappy. Just very kindly keep telling your husband how you are trying to cope. It is difficult for you both. I'm telling you, my husband's bouts about killed me. I was in graduate school during the last one which I totally did not expect. I told myself that if he did this again I would help him back. It didn't but I would have!

Lorelei you can come back and rehash all you like. Some could PM you if you think it would help. Try maybe breaking down thoughts and feelings into smaller sections so you aren't overwhelmed. Don't let it keep building to where you are burdened with small things. When we get in an emotional pickle, things just become an avalanche and way out of proportion. You already know that there are certain aspects that are more important to miss and grieve so be kind to yourself and ask yourself what are truly trivial to you and tuck them away.

Really, all life is about distraction. That's why they call jobs occupation. It isn't just about paying for necessities in life. I'm not talking about you getting a job, just that keeping busy and get a good routine down. Doesn't have to be monumental.

OK, sorry to go on. I will PM you with some advice I think I filed for resiliency for moving away from home.

Hi Lorelei

I’m so sorry it’s taking you a bit to settle in. Homesickness differs for everyone, but for some it never truly gets “cured.”

Take my mother for example: we moved to the US back in 1995 and even to this day she feels homesick and misses her family tremendously.

She compensates by calling and Skyping as often as she can with family back home. She has been ecstatic lately due to my Aunts visit this coming spring, and so am I, really

The only thing I can advise you on is to do the same. Connect back home with your family as much as you can, and try to surround yourself with things that remind you of home and make you feel happy.

I think it’s unfortunate that your husband is not understanding of your feelings (at least in this respect). I do think this might have been something to consider when you first met him and decided to engage and eventually marry one another.

I myself am planning to move to the UK within the year (something my mother will not be happy about, I’m sure) and I’ve weighed all the pros and cons and the possibility that despite my attachment to my family (which is minimal compared to yours I’d say, from what you wrote) I will face hard times and I’m sure I’ll shed a few tears in the processs.

The best way to overcome homesickness, or for some, become comfortable with it, is to surround yourself with things and those that you love, and to realize what you’ve gained in return, in this case, your husband. If you still feel empty about it, then I suppose it’s time to evaluate your relationship?

I wish your transition eases in the next few months. I shall be holding a good thought for you in the meantime. 

Much luck to you

I would say that you should tell your husband that these are things that you just need to talk about and need to get out. Often, my husband gets upset because there is nothing that he can do about it when I'm homesick/depressed. He's a problem solver, so he wanted to fix it somehow. I had to explain to him that all I wanted was him to listen to my feelings and give me a cuddle when I'm upset. It is really important to be open and honest with each other!

This. Also emphasize that you don't intend to act on your homesickness by moving back to the US, but if you can do so in other ways (incorporate family traditions, Skype with family a lot, plan frequent visits, etc), that would give you (and him) something to talk about/"work towards" (which, as PL said, guys quite like to do!) other than how much you miss your friends/family/US life.

If you feel like you can't share this issue with your husband, for whatever reason, it's going to be that much harder to deal with. Hugs, and good luck to you!

Yes.

Home and family will always be very important and of course you will always want them as much in your life as possible.

Do not for one second get down on yourself for what you should have done before marrying etc. First of all it is very difficult for every one to be so practical on the emotional things. Most importantly, it doesn't matter now..

Hate to come across preachy but you must be sure to do all the healthy things (eat right, exercise, relaxation, sleep right amount etc). It is very tough to do when you are down. Been there all too often but when you are as healthy as possible, it makes getting through this easier and mind things can make you physically ill so...

Even though I've been lucky and haven't had horrible homesickness, I have had the pang or two and it helps to get it out.  Keep talking to your hubby, like others have said just let him know you need the vent every now and again.   I've joined a few support groups for US women in the UK on facebook- trust me it's been a lifesaver when you need a moan and nobody is around.   I've thrown myself into hobbies and I try to get out and about when I can.  The worst thing you could do is isolate yourself when your already feeling down. 

Finally, (I know it's easy to say, hard to do) focus on the things that brought you here in the first place, and the things you love about being here.  Missing family is tough- I've been sending little photo books to my family that I've made on snapfish.com to help share my life here with them.. Plus I blog to keep them updated as well.  Somehow knowing that they understand why I'm here and that I love it makes them feel better- which in turn makes me feel better too!  Hope things get better for you.

P.S:  Love your name!  We are expecting our first baby girl in Feb, and I'm naming her Lorelai

Smashley, you said it all very well! No isolation. I worry about that for myself because of my disability and don't know how soon I can get power chair or out and about with carers and friends.

That point on sharing the positive things (no matter how small or how often) with others is really good. It passes time and changes the negative in our heads to positive!

Thanks.  I've still be crying/upset, but I refrain from certain phrases that tend to make my husband feel like I don't need him as much as I need others.  It's helped tremendously and he's been a great comfort the past two nights. 

Still hate that I'm so sad, though.  I make myself go to work, but sometimes that makes it worse. I think I read someone else in here had this problem - but I was a Marriage and Family Therapist in California.  While I'm licensed to provide therapy in the UK, I don't have as much experience as some....so I work in a hotel now taking reservations.  Quite a leap and feeling a bit 'overqualified' with a masters degree.  But, then again...not doing so great at solving my own issues, so maybe I need more experience!

Thanks again for all the advice/words.

I had one advantage, in that hubby had moved to the States for the first (almost) 5 years of our marriage, so he understood first hand the feelings that come along with moving to a different country and missing family and home.

Beyond that, I found that keeping in touch via FB, phone calls, and Skype helped. I made sure to bring things that reminded me of home - Christmas ornaments with meaning, the quilt my great grandma made me, the popcorn bowl grandma always used and I ended up with, pictures of nieces and nephews, etc. The comfort 'things' that just a glimpse of bring comfort because of the family ties to them.

Another thing I did was allow myself to wallow in grief while I was in the shower only on days I really needed a good cry. Giving myself permission to cry and really feel the misery was very healing, but putting a time limit on it kept me from letting it take over my life.

Learning to use public transportation was a big step for me. I never had a problem with getting in the car and driving 7 - 10 hours by myself, but the thought of taking a bus across town alone filled me with deep terror the first time. Now it is a breeze. It is easier to get out and about it small chunks at a time, and build on it, whether walking around, taking public transportation, driving, going shopping or anything.

As far as 'solving your own issues', it is easier to give advice as a friend, or help someone as a qualified therapist, than it is to apply the same to yourself. Don't beat yourself up, and give yourself time to adjust to it all. After visiting and loving it here, I thought it would be easy to just move over. I think a lot of us find it more of an adjustment than we originally anticipated.

I think that was one of the biggest problems. I visited here so many times I thought it would be easy to move. I loved it here. Now it just reminds me of everything I lost and everything I don't understand.  I feel like a child learning about the world all over again and as an adult...most people seem to look at me oddly because I don't know. 

But mostly...I just miss my family.