Mostly a (long) rant, but need advice. Regarding In-Laws.

I'm sorry if this has been put in the wrong forum category, it's kind of half rant/half please advise me!

I seem to have mortally offended my FIL. We have a young son and some months ago when the baby and I were sick he turned up unannounced and I asked my husband to please ask that he ring before turning up in the future, which to me seemed completely reasonable. My husband did so, and my FIL made the accusation that my MIL had put him up to it (they are divorced. It is not friendly). My husband had been up all night with sick baby/wife and had very little patience and told him that he was being ridiculous and sent him away. Probably not in the most friendly manner.

After that incident, we invited him round for dinner on father's day but before he would come said he had to see my husband on his own to talk first, which they did. He basically said it was rude of us to tell him not to turn up unannounced. I don't really know what happened at their lunch but he came for father's day dinner and then we didn't hear from him for ages after, he just didn't respond to any messages etc. so we mostly gave up.

Come Christmas, we tried to get him to come round again and after weeks of his ignoring us he finally responded that he wouldn't see us because he had people who actually cared about him who he "does't have to make an appointment to see." Along with a whole slew of emails about us being under the control of his ex, who is evil incarnate, etc.

Well, the boy's birthday was yesterday so I thought I would try one last time. I only sent one email inviting him to see us (I as not going to chase him down again like we had to at Christmas). I suggested a few times that were good for us. He replied that it would be good to see us but that he couldn't do the suggested times, and suggested some of his own. When I said that unfortunately we couldn't do the two days he suggested but we were free all but one other night for the rest of the month, he completely freaked out. He said that we were trying to be manipulating and controlling by not cancelling whatever was going on to see him those days, that we were being 'controlled' by his ex to try to do him harm, all sorts of kind of really out-there things.

He sent me a whole slew of emails and in the end it comes down to this: Either we do what he wants and let him stop in unannounced whenever he wants or he will be convinced that we are under his ex's "control".

So, what would you do? There is a BIG part of me that just wants to wash my hands of him, but I feel like that would be doing my son a disservice. I really, really do not like the idea of him turning up when my husband is out. Do you think we were out of line in asking for advance notice of his coming? Should we take it back?

It is super frustrating because I know that my parents would jump at the opportunity to see the boy on holidys/his birthday/etc. Even though we would ask them not to turn up unannounced either!

I say stand your ground. It's your life and he needs to understand that what he wants to do is not acceptable to you and your family. Your husband needs to explain to him that you're not under anyone's control, particularly the ex's. The request that he call ahead is being made in the best interest of your family.

Honestly, he sounds like he's being a big baby. 

It's reasonable. It's your life and your kid. 

I didn't have contact with my one set of grandparents as a kid and while I wish it was possible, I know that they were nuts so I understand it all.

I don't know.  Personally, I think with older people (particularly family), you kind of just have to go with the flow and be the bigger person most of the time.  In some families, turning up at their immediate family members' houses is not a big deal at all.  I can see how your FIL could be upset if you told him you didn't want him to do this.  To him, it might seem like you're telling him he's not wanted at all.  And as you said, your husband probably didn't ask him in the nicest way either.

I'm not saying I would be happy with my FIL turning up without letting me know, because I wouldn't.  But I would probably just let it go because he is my husband's dad and he probably wants to see his grandson, and well, he's old and maybe a bit lonely.

I think its wonderful that you care about your family and have given much effort into inviting your FIL into your life & home.

I don't find it unreasonable to expect a 'heads-up' before almost anyone comes to your flat. You could be ill {as you were}, in the middle of showering, taking a long-distance call, etc.....

Good luck 

I think this mostly sounds like an issue to do with the divorce, and as such, I'm not sure there's a lot you can do.

Even if you give in on this, there's bound to be some other sign that you're really on "Her" side. 

How does your MIL feel about the situation?  Is it this acrimonious on both sides, or is it really just your FIL that's blowing it so out of proportion?  If it's really just him, then is it possible that there's more going on?  Dementia, or some other mental illness?

I have the perfect solution, tell him he can drop by anytime he wants and make sure that he walks in on you and your husband having sex in the lounge or kitchen. THAT will make him stop dropping by...or, you could answer the door naked or in a towel or something....I agree with Geeta, sometimes you just have to humour people IF you want a relationship with them, trust me, I am the queen of humouring my in laws...the queen. But if you really aren't that bothered about the relationship, stand your ground. If you are bothered, try finding some kind of compromise! Good luck!

I don't know...

My English MIL dropped by a few times unannounced and I was always in the midst of something (I would have answered the door in my towel but we lived in a block of flats and had an intercom system to let people into the building). She was so offended that I forgot to offer her a cup of tea the last time she stopped in that she stopped coming round alltogether and then ranted to my husband about it in a roundabout fashion.

Since we've moved, my parents will always phone up before coming over and usually a day or so in advance -- my mom says it's because she doesn't want us to feel like she's intruding or meddling and just how she is. Though it could be an American thing or my mom is just really mindful that it might not be a great time to just drop in when my husband and I both work, we have a 3 year old and a new baby...

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask that he at least give you a call before he heads over that way you can have a quick tidy (if need be) and put the kettle on  .

With my MIL we just made a weekly date with her on Sunday to take our daughter over to see her. My husband and I really didn't get along with my MIL much but we were civil so our daughter could get to know her grandmother...my MIL mainly read her newspaper or talked on the phone when we were there (lovely ain't it?) but we gave her the chance...that worked out so well we moved back to the US early last year...but we did try for our little girls sake and probably would still be doing the same if we had stayed in the UK.

My parents would never dream of dropping by unannounced. Even when I lived on my own around the corner from them, my mum would always call. My parents in law however, zomg, I don't want to live in the same town as them for that exact reason, so I don't think it's a US/UK thing, more of a different strokes for different folks.

Is it outrageous that people drop by without calling? Absolutely...However...old people are kind of a law unto themselves, and I honestly don't think the occasional (let's be honest, how often would he actually drop by?) annoying drop by would be as bad as washing your hands of him, he's your kid's grandfather after all, and I think arguing and falling out over things like that with family just isn't worth it.

The thing is, surely he'll just drop by, find you out and then stop dropping by unannounced eventually.

Dementia, or some other mental illness?

This is what I was going to write. Frankly he sounds a little unhinged.

He has a lot of issues with his ex, and it is spilling over into his relationship with you and your husband.  It also sounds like he's got a touch of the control freak.  You have every right to control who accesses your home and child--including dates and times.   

You've been very reasonable in offering various days and times at which you could see him.  He sounds like it's his way or the highway.

I've heard of people greeting someone like that at the door with purse in hand, saying something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, but I promised I'd be (wherever) by (whenever), so I can't visit today." 

While I wouldn't be offended at the occasional drop-in, I think FIL expecting to do what he wants and have you drop your lives to accommodate him is too much.  I'm lucky that I live at least 30 miles from the nearest relative, so that is not a concern for me.  Good luck, and I hope you can all come to some sort of agreement on this.

Thanks for all of the replies and sorry for not getting back to this sooner (the stomach bug made its way through our house )!

 My MIL (so we have to take this with a grain of salt has said that she as told many years ago that he had a mental illness, and I have to say that we definitely wonder sometimes. There's not anything that we can do though, as far as I know, because he isn't hurting anyone... He's just a little bonkers.

It all seems to have sorted itself though because he has now emailed to say that no contact is the safest thing for him at the minute because we have been programmed to do him harm, that I should "return the harm" to my MIL, that god is on the case so something will have to give soon, and (this is my favourite bit!) "The Fuchsia is bright " (That last bit written in fuchsia, of course).

So I suppose I will respect his wishes and not contact him for the time being. My husband says that he has done this kind of thing in the past and will eventually contact us again.

In all seriousness, is there anything that can be done when you suspect mental illness?

If you honestly are concerned that someone might be a danger to themselves or others, or (particularly with older people) might be incapable of properly caring for themselves, then I believe you can report them to a social service agency.  I'm just not sure which one.  I'm sure that CAB could tell you.

They might be able to do a one-off welfare check, but unless it's very, very serious, there's not a lot they can do, and virtually none of it without the individual's cooperation.

I don't think it's a UK/US thing either.  I know my mother would drop by unnanounced and that would be all right with me.  My future in-laws are different.  His father and step-mother would get in touch with us weeks in advance to let us know they were planning on coming up to visit.  His mother would probably call when she's two hours away to let us know.

Good luck with the FIL.  And I believe that you are not legally allowed to do anything about his mental health unless you are a mental health expert then you could section 6 him (6?  I think it's 6).  You could always discuss things with your GP and share your concerns. Even so, a spouse isn't even legally allowed to commit a spouse on suspicion of mental instability.