I want to move to the UK, but husband doesn't.

Oh yes that would be hard if they were older and not in the best health to travel.  Does he have any siblings that could come and visit? 

I dont remember from earlier, did you say you already asked him about traveling and he said he would not pay for it if you went on your own?  If he has not said it yet, I would start there and just say look, I want the kids to see England and visit with family, if you are not going to come let's at least look at flights and see how we can make this happen.  I can't possibly imagine he would not want his own kids to see the UK? 

Well it has taken us some time, I joke that it took us a while to get our "arguing styles" in sync, I am a talker and want to discuss/get things out, he used to be more of a leave the room if he didnt want to talk about it kind of person.  So we both have compromised, I let things go sometimes instead of going on about them, he is much better about talking things out now, lol.   

My husband tends to make excuses whenever I mention that I'd like to take another trip to the UK. His favorite excuse is that we don't have the money, which just isn't true because he suggested we go to France! If only he'd just come out and say that he doesn't want to go to the UK.

My husband does have a sister, and I think she might visit once their children are a bit older... But she and my husband are not that close.

Our children have been to the UK once and they had a good time. Who knows when or if we'll ever go again though!

Your "arguing style" sounds a lot more healthy than ours! 

I thought about this because it seems to be an aversion to the UK.  I wonder if the harsh life he had there makes even the idea of seeing it again too painful.  There is a place I formerly lived in this state, and I'd never return there due to the horrible memories.  No way do I ever want to see that place and those people again.   

There may also be some bad familial dynamics.  He may consider himself estranged from some family members.  That too can be incredibly painful and uncomfortable.  He may worry about things they may say to you and the kids, and how you would react.   

If he agrees, take that vacation.  Getting your independence back is also a good idea.  Who knows where that could lead?  He fell in love with a bright, independent woman, and it may help things. Good luck to you.     

Thank you, Mariposa. I tend to think the very same thing... My husband doesn't want to "go back there" -- to the life he had before.

If only he would be honest with himself and with me. I do look forward to taking the vacation -- it will definitely help things! Thank you!

I too thought it might be something like that. But if he doesn't like East London, there are lots of other places in the UK you could go to! What about somewhere he's never been before so you could both be tourists?

I know! We discussed going to Cornwall and my husband would probably enjoy that more.

His family no longer lives in the East End, but I'm thinking that maybe he just doesn't want to visit his relatives...

But yes, that is a very good idea about visiting as tourists and is exactly what I'd like to do!

Thank you!

From the outside looking in to me it kind of looks like you may have put the UK on a bit of a pedestal. I understand wanting a change but I don't think that moving internationally will fix any of your problems. Your marriage will not improve if you throw in the added stress of visas and movers and settling in in a completely different world culturally than where you are now. A lot of people have trouble adjusting to the culture because we expect it to be similar, and if you have spent almost no time in the UK a sudden move could be really hard on you and your family.

I agree with some of the others, and would recommend trying counselling again. Best of luck to you.

I see what you mean and I often try to reflect on why exactly I want to move...  I definitely want change and also like the idea of my children having the experience. But then I also think to myself how "good" we have it here, so actually moving isn't probably the best idea I've ever had! But I suppose I entertain the idea because I know it will probably never happen! I think if we were just to visit once in awhile I could stop obsessing about it and be content.

Honestly, I don't think the marriage will change -- it is what it is now and I doubt any therapy would help. We are together because of the children, most definitely. We enjoy each others company most of the time, but I am definitely the one who "gives in" and probably sacrifices a bit too much. I think once the children are older and I can work more outside the home things will change big time! If I had things to do over again I would have never left my career to stay at home full time with the children. It's such a big price to pay (or at least it was in my case) and my children would probably  have been just as happy with a nanny or in a day care. Oh well, life and learn.

Thank you for the feedback!

Although the title is a bit of a mouthful, I read this book when I was dealing with a difficult boyfriend and found it very insightful. Good luck!

Although the title is a bit of a mouthful, I read this book when I was dealing with a difficult boyfriend and found it very insightful. Good luck!

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Thank you, Courtney. I think I'll download the book to my kindle. I read through the many rave reviews and had to laugh at this one:

 "The book is especially useful for people who feel like the problems in their relationship are all their partner's fault, or who spend a lot of energy being angry about their partner's behavior and failure to meet their needs, or who feel like their partner has all the power."

Yep, that's me!

Your husband sounds just like me, except I'm the USC and I don't want to go back to the US. We talked about this before I moved. I told him I do not want to move back under any circumstances. I keep putting off visiting. I don't hate it. I just can't be bothered. I'm not really all that close to my family and my memories from back there just aren't the happiest. My happiest memories are from the last 3 years after getting married and moving.