Visa denials taking it's toll on the relationship?

It did sound a bit like fiction....sorry to say. If true, I hope things are better for Teddy!

Um, I totally thought 'Teddy' was a Catfish, and ignored all of his/her posts.

I hope I was right, because I would not want anyone to have to go through that mess.

Same here Lara, I can't say why but there you go. That said, as you say I would hate for someone to have to go through that..

And sorry to read about what you are going through pimmscrazy. You know it is such a tough thing to LDRs, visa refusals and you going through a bereavement

It takes such a great amount of emotional maturity to deal with these relationships and emotional strength. From what you are saying I do wonder if your partner is struggling in some way with the rejection of visa's etc and acting this out in certain behaviours because she really doesn't know how to deal with it or even recognise it.You know the ole 'push people away because you ain't never going to get them anyway' kind of thing. Defense is the best form of attack so to speak, lash out, hit out because emotionally it is too hard to deal with the prospect of another long wait for, well, who knows... I know it doesn't help you chuck, but I have known people to really push others away from them as a form of defence and to make what they may see as the inevitable easier to deal with. It sounds like you have tried to talk but you are both on a different page at the moment and both sounding at extremely raw and vulnerable times in your lives. Sorry I can't help much but once again to send lots of *hugs* ....


I'm babbling on, psuedo-psycho stuff maybe so just ignore!

I don't mean to be insensitive but did anybody wonder about the veracity of the story?

I foolishly did believe it at first, and offered suggestions and 'tough love', but as it wore on and on and on and on, and the guy never made any move to help himself or heed anyone's advice, I just went... no, this is not real.

I foolishly did believe it at first, and offered suggestions and 'tough love', but as it wore on and on and on and on, and the guy never made any move to help himself or heed anyone's advice, I just went... no, this is not real.

Well, real or not, people often stay in abusive relationships for many reasons and will often attempt leaving many times before leaving for good. Teddy's story is a common one, and the DV posts on this board are regular enough that he wasn't/isn't the only one. I recommend reading some of the links below about why people stay in abusive relationships for some perspective on this. Because it can be difficult to understand why someone just wouldn't leave when it is so easy to see what is wrong from the relationship as an outside party.

It is not a surprise that some abusers seek out partners from a different country - domestic abuse is about power and control, and it is easier to have power and control over someone who is in an unfamiliar place and needs to rely on their partner.

Why your friend or family member might be staying in an abusive relationship and situation

It doesn’t happen all the time and when he isn’t violent he’s really nice to me.  Is this really abuse?

Disabled women

(And yes, I know Teddy is male - but a lot of this pertains to the situation he was in and DV in general)

Well, real or not, people often stay in abusive relationships for many reasons and will often attempt leaving many times before leaving for good. Teddy's story is a common one, and the DV posts on this board are regular enough that he wasn't/isn't the only one. I recommend reading some of the links below about why people stay in abusive relationships for some perspective on this. Because it can be difficult to understand why someone just wouldn't leave when it is so easy to see what is wrong from the relationship as an outside party.

It is not a surprise that some abusers seek out partners from a different country - domestic abuse is about power and control, and it is easier to have power and control over someone who is in an unfamiliar place and needs to rely on their partner.

Why your friend or family member might be staying in an abusive relationship and situation

It doesn’t happen all the time and when he isn’t violent he’s really nice to me.  Is this really abuse?

Disabled women

(And yes, I know Teddy is male - but a lot of this pertains to the situation he was in and DV in general)

Thanks Cali Girl.  You said my thoughts better than I would have.  Real or not, the back and forth and not heeding advice is classic domestic violence stuff.  That's how it goes in most of these situations, unfortunately.

And you are right, there have been plenty of other examples of bad relationships and abusive ones where the partner ended up feeling trapped after giving up everything to come clear over to a foreign country to rely on that person.

Thanks Cali Girl.  You said my thoughts better than I would have.  Real or not, the back and forth and not heeding advice is classic domestic violence stuff.  That's how it goes in most of these situations, unfortunately.

And you are right, there have been plenty of other examples of bad relationships and abusive ones where the partner ended up feeling trapped after giving up everything to come clear over to a foreign country to rely on that person.

I agree.  I gave Teddy the benefit of the doubt because many abusive relationships go through breakup/make up cycles.   

I tried to help a woman who said she wanted to leave her abuser, and within 4 months, she was back with him.  Why?  She needed food and shelter.  She decided he was better than living on the streets.  A year later, she was asking me if she could live with me again, because his house was supposedly going into foreclosure.  I had to refuse.  I can't risk her allegedly abusive man being around my home.   This was a person who left a person in a country where they were both citizens.  I can't imagine being in a foreign country where the abused is prohibited from using certain services.  Teddy's relationship sounded like many DV situations I've heard of and been around before. 

Teddy did say things that gave him niggling doubts in some of his early posts, but ignored them.  People called them to his attention, but he went full speed ahead into that relationship.  He returned to the US alone, having to lodge with a friend and reestablish his life.  His late dog, Otis, paid the ultimate price (death) for his being in that relationship.  As someone who has been involved with organizations that do DV animal fostering, I can say that is a legitimate fear, and one huge reason that some people don't just pick up and leave an abuser. 

Back to the person who started this thread:  Please proceed with caution.  As others have said, you've had to deal with a lot emotionally in a very short period.  Do not make any major decisions that the law does not require right now.  Let the dust settle before you and your partner make any major relationship decisions.  Best wishes for your future.