etiquette for helping sick family member or close friend?

A close family friend (her husband was like an uncle to my husband and his siblings) has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and probably doesn't have much longer. My husband is not really sure what we should do and my suggestions apparently have horrified my MIL, so I really am struggling with figuring out what is culturally appropriate. At least where I am from in the US (the South), if someone has been sick, had surgery, or if there is a death, you bring a meal or do something to help them easily have a meal if you cannot be there to deliver the meal yourself. This is done for family, close friends, and even acquaintances or coworkers. However, I am starting to realize that it may not be appropriate here, as I remember when my husband's grandmother died, his family had to provide the food at the wake and no one brought any food with them when they came. Also, when I had surgery that left me unable to care for my 5 month old for several weeks, my in-laws stopped by but only brought food for their own lunch, and didn't even bother bringing a few extra sandwiches for my husband or myself (!!!). The family friend who is so sick has to travel several hours away from home for treatment and her husband will have to stay at hotels or with friends here and there to be close to her. I suggested we bring a meal over to him or send a gift card to a restaurant close to the hospital or even to a coffee shop at the hospital so he could easily get what he needs as he is camped out at the hospital for so long. Another suggestion was putting together a basket of things she may need while at the hospital for so long. My MIL seemingly thinks all of these suggestions are inappropriate, so I am guessing this may be a cultural difference? Not doing any of those things where I am from would be considered extremely rude...and I am not sure what we *should* be doing. To be honest, when I had my surgery, no one acknowledged it or offered to help, so is it just something here where illness is ignored and people are left to get on with it??? 

Well, when I was very ill in hospital a couple of years ago, my in-laws came to visit (despite it being a 2 hour public transport journey each way for them) several times and brought food so my husband and I could avoid the horrible hospital food, and we had several friends offering him lifts (he doesn't drive) to and from the hospital, DVDs to keep me entertained, visits, flowers, cards, and various little things to help us get by, so I don't think it's a UK-wide thing to just ignore illness. I'll admit that I probably have a somewhat biased view, but I always think of the southeast of England as being the least friendly place in the country, so I'm kind of leaping to the assumption that it's more to do with the culture down there (and possibly the class, eg middle class people are more likely to think it's a private thing and not talk about it or offer to help in case it's seen as interfering, whereas the working class would be more likely to pitch in?), and that's probably not really fair. It could just be your in-laws! I would be inclined to just ask the friend and her husband themselves what you could do, as I'm sure they would appreciate the effort and could tell you what they might need, and bypass your MIL altogether!

When a co-worker of mine was diagnosed with severe depression a few years back I cooked lots of food you could put in the oven and stocked her freezer, and brought things like treats of cake etc each week, if she hates all of those food related suggestions, maybe doing a basket of fruit + magazines etc? Some posh/nice hand lotion etc is really nice when you're in hospital. My mother is asian though and this is super common in her culture, you can't go anywhere without bringing food with you and then having more food forced upon you.

I know when I was receiving cancer treatment I had a lot of mouth ulcers so ate tons of werthers originals and custard and pretty much nothing else. So maybe food wouldn't be that appropriate anyway? Also, I know when I was sick, pretty much anything was appreciated, anything that wasn't just being alone and sick was amazing to be honest.

When my father was in hospital, and then a nursing home, he very much appreciated being asked if there was any special food or candy he'd like visitors to bring. (And they very kindly asked the same of me!) So go ahead and ask if there is anything you can bring.

I think it is just different from family to family, or region to region, in ours we don't usually take food when visiting unless there's an ongoing crisis, like sickness. And in my experience it is usual for the food at a wake to be provided by the family of the deceased.

Sorry, but I don't think your in-laws have very good manners. To visit someone and bring food for just themselves is rude, no matter if the person they are visiting is sick or not.

Being kind is never inappropriate. Bring or send whatever you think will make your friends smile or lighten their load. I'm sure they will be very appreciative.

Sorry, but I don't think your in-laws have very good manners. To visit someone and bring food for just themselves is rude, no matter if the person they are visiting is sick or not.

Being kind is never inappropriate. Bring or send whatever you think will make your friends smile or lighten their load. I'm sure they will be very appreciative.

Definitely agree with everything here.  I would also add that you should do what you want and ignore if your MIL thinks it is weird. 

Definitely agree with everything here.  I would also add that you should do what you want and ignore if your MIL thinks it is weird. 

I also agree with this.  Ask your ill friend if there is anything they are having trouble doing or getting done.  If it is something you can help with, offer.  It may even be something as simple as picking up their mail or making sure delivered newspapers don't pile up.  Home-cooked food would probably be a very welcome relief from take-out or hospital food.  With food, just make sure to respect any dietary (such as religious or allergy) restrictions.  Just asking if there is anything you can do to help will let your friend know that you care, and that is good for his emotional well-being.  Best wishes to your ill friend. 

Definitely agree with everything here.  I would also add that you should do what you want and ignore if your MIL thinks it is weird. 

Agreed also.

Definitely agree with everything here.  I would also add that you should do what you want and ignore if your MIL thinks it is weird. 

I agree too. I can't imagine it wouldn't be appreciated. Do what YOU think is right.

Interesting question! Sorry about your friend, by the way.  I hope things will go as well as can be for him.

When I had my last baby, I had several friends make a schedule of food drops so I didn't have to cook the first week that I was home from my baby's birth.  Having said that, however, I'm in Wales which can be very outgoing, and all the friends were from my church, which very much has a culture of plying everyone with food to fix any problem.

As I was reading everyone's responses, I found myself thinking, but realising that most of these answers are from Americans (who might see it differently) and from people in other regions.  I asked my husband what he thought, since he grew up in the South-east (assuming that's where you are).

He did acknowledge that many in the South-east can be much more private about these things, but he also thought it would be a nice thing for a close family friend.  He came up with a suggestion that I think is pretty good.  He said he would approach them and use your American card--saying "look I'm a Southern (American) girl, and where I come from, everyone brings food if someone is ill and may be needing to spend a lot of time away or at the hospital.  Then the family doesn't have to worry so much about meals.  I would like to do something like that for you guys if it's okay."  Then you could still give them an opportunity to say no if it would embarrass them, but you don't have to sit there in silence.

I thought that was a pretty good medium ground.

He did acknowledge that many in the South-east can be much more private about these things, but he also thought it would be a nice thing for a close family friend.  He came up with a suggestion that I think is pretty good.  He said he would approach them and use your American card--saying "look I'm a Southern (American) girl, and where I come from, everyone brings food if someone is ill and may be needing to spend a lot of time away or at the hospital.  Then the family doesn't have to worry so much about meals.  I would like to do something like that for you guys if it's okay."  Then you could still give them an opportunity to say no if it would embarrass them, but you don't have to sit there in silence.

I thought that was a pretty good medium ground.

I agree with that advice!

Sorry to hear about your friend 

thank you SO much everyone! i think i just needed to hear that others didn't think the approach i wanted to take was completely out of line to counterbalance what my MIL thinks. and if i'm being really honest, i think anything i suggest will always be shot down by my MIL. just the other day, my husband told me she wanted to take my daughter to the aquarium when we visited...despite the fact that i had suggested we do this the last time we visited and she dismissed the idea entirely! and the whole bringing food for themselves and eating it in front of your DIL who is recovering from surgery before driving on to see their OTHER son and spend time with his baby while ignoring our daughter pretty much sums up the way my ILs treat us most of the time. i really should not even take their opinion into consideration anymore.

i do really like Cadenza's husband's suggestion and think that sounds like a good way to approach the situation. thanks for all of the feedback.