Any Step-Parents out there??

I was hoping that maybe there were some step-parents out there that could give a first timer step parent with no kid of her own advice/support! (I hadn't seen an advice/support thread out there!) There may be some venting to on my part kinda like the In-Law venting thread. I just don't know how to deal with some of the situations that come up!

A little back story: Basically, DH's wife left him for a guy she thought was rich because his wife died of cancer and he got her insurance money (Charming huh? She is a massive gold digger and is teaching her daughters to be the same, so EVERYTHING with them is revolved around money! Ex is extremely spiteful and rude!) She point blank told DH that she was putting herself first, going for this guy because he was rich, moving herself and the girls up to Hull area and didn't want him to see them but wanted his money. When he fought her on it, she said fine, you will see them, but only when I allow it...Which is next to never. DH never did the court thing because he was afraid of how it would affect the girls, which is understandable as they were only 4 and 7yrs. (this is all stuff that the ex did with her first husband and their son as well!). Since then, it's been all about money, which she has had ridiculous amounts of. 80% of everything including and extra £13,000 and all the money from a house sale from one of the properties my hubby owned when he was working in real estate! Whenever she asked for money on top of child support, he would give it no questions asked (Which had stopped when I moved here. I said forget it because she wasn't discussing these decisions with us, she would make the choice, then send us the bill with a nasty letter reminding him of what a crappy loser she though he was and no conversation about the bill and expect us to pay it! AND they were for crazy amounts we didn't have anyways!) She's always gotten child support and in fact, has tried to even say that I need to have MY paychecks deducted to her too! (She does NOT work herself!) She always pits the kids in between us and tells them, nasty things about us, so now the girls are starting to mouth off and say things to us that are horrible and untrue!

The oldest has always done it and we've had a good few blow outs with her. She's always been our trouble kid. But the youngest has been the BIGGEST sweetheart in the world and has never ever anything before! We've always had a wonderful relationship with her! She was supposed to come visit this weekend (we've maybe seen her a total of 5 days this year and her mom's taking away our Christmas week with her now!) and she bailed out of coming to see us because she decided a friends birthday party was more important. DH told her he was disappointed because was really looking forward to seeing her and it upset him that he seemed to be so low priority to them. She FLIPPED!! Told him basically that the door swings both ways. He was a horrible person and a disappointment as a father who is never there for them, never gives them money to them so they can't be like all their rich friends, and a whole heap of other things that simply are not true!

We call and text them all the time and we NEVER get any answered. The only time they contact us back is when they want money! We offer all the time to pay for things (and have paid a LOT of things in the last two years on top of our child support like car insurances for 18yr old which is not cheap, £700 laptops for BOTH of them, clothes, activities, food, school needs, etc.) We even moved into a bigger home hoping it would entice them to either come visit more or even move in with us (we only had a 2 bed apartment before and they didn't like sharing a bed) and we've seen them LESS since we've gotten this new place. But yet, they always get upset when we don't do something for them and throw a fit and then hit us below the belt.

That text from her tore my husband apart. He told me he just couldn't go through this hurt anymore (it's been over 7 yrs of it with the older one!) and basically wants to just not contact them at all anymore and let them get on with their own lives. He said "if they want to be a part of our lives without using and abusing us, then they are more than welcome, but I can't handle anymore of this being used for money thing, it hurts too much!" I don't know what to do! I do (or thought I did!) have a good relationship with the youngest, so do I just call her and have a gentle word with her to find out where this is coming from? Do I leave it and just see what happens? I don't want to see a family fall apart like this, I do love them dearly, but at the same time, it's hard to see the pain and tears my DH goes through!

What should I do?? In the middle and torn! Sorry this is so long, but after a few years of this, I'm at my wits end! 

First off, I'm not a step-parent, but I did have them growing up, and I am a mother now.

I think that the most important thing that your husband could do to have a relationship with his daughters is to get proper visitation with them. None of this 5 days a year thing and it getting cancelled whenever their mother says. I always felt super awkward around my dad when we were allowed to see him and as an adult I don't speak to him at all. I know at some point he stopped trying, maybe he thought we would come to him like your husband? He also had some other children so maybe he was just too busy. In any case, it failed. I met my sisters when I was 18 (they had to be told that I was their sister first), and I went to visit him when I was 20 for about a half hour, and that was the end of that. I don't know how it might have worked out, but certainly not seeing him from the time I was 12 did nothing to help any relationship we might have had.

I think if he got to see them more regularly he would not be so upset if one of them wanted to stay behind for a friend's birthday. I don't know how old they are now but they sound teenagery, and sometimes your friends really *are* more important to you than your parents at that time.

I don't think it is your place to step in and ask your step daughter why she said whats he did. It doesn't really matter why she said it, but it's how she feels, and your husband should address that. If she thinks that he is not making an effort to be a part of her life, I'm sure that him fighting to be able to see her more will show her that he does care for her.

Hi Missjoules!
Thanks for your response! I like the fact that you can speak as the child! It really helps!

I forgot to mention the age! The oldest is 18 this year, so not much we can do there. But the other one (the recent one to spout off) just turned 14. So maybe it would be worth fighting to some sort of joint custody for the next 4 years. They live in Sheffield and Hull now. (We are in Stoke-on-Trent area)

Luckily, over the years my DH has kept up with the phone calls and yearly visits, so they aren't strangerish with us at all...In fact, sometimes it too comfortable! LOL! Complete with bodily functions and all! I keep encouraging my husband to at least by-weekly send them a text or call them just to check in on them, which he does, there's not a month that goes by that we don't try to contact them at least 2-3 times (and sometimes more to be honest!) and I think he should continue it. I told him even if they don't appreciate it now, there will (hopefully!) be a day when they look back and say "Gosh! Looking back, I can see he did try and did care!..." and maybe regret not putting more effort in themselves you know? I also tell him that whether or they ever come around, you can look at yourself in the mirror without guilt because you know you tried and kept trying!

I like your perspective around speaking with her. As much as I would love to mediate and bring them back together as a loving family, it really is up to DH to call and make any amends (I think it was partially his fault as well...He could have just said "OK! No problem!" instead of complaining of not being important to them). So maybe I'll just leave it and continue to encourage him to keep in contact once this has blown over a bit?

Thanks so much for your input!! I appreciate it a lot!! This is all brand new to me and it's a mixed bag of emotions I don't know how to deal with! 

Oy, what a nasty situation to be in.

I am not a step parent, but my husband is a step parent to my first two children. Difference is he is more of an actual parent than their bio-dad has ever been.

Truth is I wish he would help out more with my oldest who is 19 now and has always been the most difficult of all 4 kids (I had two before my husband and two with my husband). So in a way it is kind of similar to your situation only I am coming at this from the parent's perspective, not the step parent's. Being that my oldest is male and my husband is obviously male there is some definite male to male thing going on there- not saying that happens in your situation (female to female) but it is really rough in our situation. I think of it like 2 male rams that can't see to get along. My husband and my son have this constant negative energy going on- and that's where I really wish my husband would try more. I wish he would let go of his male ego for a while and see my son as a person who really needs him.

I guess what I'm saying is if I were you, knowing what I know about these situations, I would attempt to have a one on one talk with both of the girls (separately), not lecturing and not in the sense of step mother to step daughter, but in the sense of really trying to be a friend and mentor. If you get a sense that they (or at least the youngest) is open to that then perhaps gently let them know that they have hurt their father- but do it in a round about way, not attacking.

14 is a hard age, but still doable, I would strongly suggest your husband fight for his right to have her live with him, at very least part time if he has any hope of trying to maintain any type of relationship with him.

Now coming at it from the perspective of the mother who has the kids- my ex has not paid a darn penny in over 10 years now- eventhough legally the courts tell him he has to, plus he is a dead beat dad who never contacts his kids, not even for birthdays or Christmas- so I don't know what it would be like to have an ex who actually cared about his kids, but it sounds to me like your husband's ex is a monster and personally I think if I were in your shoes I would be having it out with her- probably not the best way to go about it, but I just don't know how I could sit back and let her continue to 1) walk all over us and 2) continue to ruin those girls!

I wish you all the best in this mess, but do, if you can, try to at least talk to the youngest girl and see if you can't get her to come around and be sweet again.

Hi Amberelle11 ~ thanks for sharing the challenges that you and your husband are dealing with and my heart goes out to you both for what you have been experiencing with them. I'm not a stepparent either, but I know many friends that have stepparents and that are stepparents themselves as well. Your husband and stepdaughters are blessed to have your support. I found a few articles on stepparent that may relate to your situation here " newcomer link: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/blended_families.aspx?p=1157699 [nonactive] " and here newcomer link: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/single_parents/custody_issues.aspx?p=1157699 [nonactive] . These come from the organization that I work for, Focus on the Family, U.S. and I hope they will minister to your needs. They have an associate office in the UK, Care for the Family at 011/44 29 2081 1733 or at newcomer link: http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk [nonactive] . Their office may offer free counseling services as well. I'm praying for your family, asking God to bring His healing and hope into your relationships with one another. Hugs and blessings!

I'm not a parent on a step-parent, but I would take any advice that Focus on the Family gives and do the exact opposite.

Haha DrSuper. I definitely had the same thought >_>.

Beccarose, thanks for your input! It's such a crazy situation to me and it all comes from the ex! Funny enough, my dh was her 2nd husband and according to DH, she was like this with husband 1 and their son...except without moving 3 hours away so he could fight back and see his son everyday since he lived about 10min away! DH said that the minute she pushed him out, he realised the trouble that was to come. Some if it was my DH being to nice to her, but I also blame his lawyer because his lawyer advised him to NOT fight for joint custody because of what it could put the girls through (which could have helped our current day issue!) I don't understand her, most parents would kill for a dad like my DH! It's heartbreaking.

Thanks momluvslgg for your input as well! As a Christian myself, I'm very familiar with Focus on the Family! (Grew up on Adventures in Odyssey! Ha!) I will take a look and see what they have to say!

I don't 100% follow along with everything Focus on the Family tote, but after looking tiny bit at the websites provided, a good portion of it says what I've already heard from Dr. Phil and other mainstream psychologists.

I'm a step parent for about 4 years now.  It's been really rough for me at times.  I once was banned from picking the kids up from school just as a control tactic from the mother because she knew it would upset me. Now she texts me instead of the husband about things sometimes to get my advise or help.

My husband wanted to give up at times and not fight.  But I encouraged him to put up a fight with the ex for his kids sake.  Turned out it was worth the fight and we are all co parenting together much better.

I don't have the same situation as you do.  But if I had any advice it would be to speak your mind.  It's okay to be in middle sometimes and help to keep the peace.  A step parent role is a tough one, best to you

Lizzylou, thanks south for your thoughts! I've been kinda letting things blow over a bit before doing anything.

Lol! I can straight up tell you that DH's ex will NEVER develop a relationship with me. Almost 3 yrs with DH and she still treats me with the same resentment as always. It has nothing to do with me personally, she's just a mean person. She's complaining to the girls that she wants to move again because she doesn't have any friends...But of she would be nice to people maybe she would! ((Shakes head)) she's just one of those people destined to find ways and reason to be miserable and wants to "spread the love" miserable style. It's super sad really!

Lol! I can straight up tell you that DH's ex will NEVER develop a relationship with me.

My husband's ex, who I refer to as the Warden/Ice Princess had to develop a relationship with me when it finally suited her best interests and she saw the damage the strain was causing the children.  While we are polite to each other, we'd never go out and have a coffee or anything. 

I have a several friends who are step mom/mum's - some get it all worked out with the ex and some don't ever get things to work.  But you should definitely feel free to express your feelings.  They might not be your birth children but they are your family and their relationship or lack thereof with their dad has a direct impact on you. 

Sometimes I agree with my husband's side of an argument with her and others I call him out on and get him to see her side.  In our case, it was a situation where she actually needed physical help and realized she couldn't do it all. 

The Warden/Ice Princess is now a step mummy herself with ex in the picture that wants to be difficult like she was to me...Karma.

I would love for all of us (including mom) to get along. I have this fear in the back of my head that we won't be invited to other big events in their lives like Weddings, etc. because their mom won't want us there. Her and I are civil to each other, but I think I've talked to her maybe 1 time in the last year, and it was ask if I needed to pull the car around the corner so that the young one didn't have a long walk with all her stuff, to which she proceeded to give me directions on how to get out of the parking lot!  LOL! She's done that to my in-laws as well, so I don't take it personally! The ex is still the same with her first husband (which she doesn't have to deal with anymore as he's 21). She has step-kids who want nothing to do with her as well...But their mother had sadly passed of cancer, so she doesn't get to feel what it's like to put up with another mother. But to be honest, I just think she thrives on being a mean and negative person.

I'm like you, I try to be very neutral and see both sides. But try not to get overly involved because at the end of the day, they are his kids. I may call her this weekend though to see if we are ok though. If she wants to talk about it great, if not, that's ok to! I'm hoping just knowing that I've tried will mean something, even if it's for 5 minutes of small talk! I picked up a book from the library today called "How to be a happy stepmum", it's been a good read so far! Hopefully I can pick up a few things and direction from that!